Bathtub Gin T-Shirt – Happy NYE!

Shaken, stirred and with plenty of cirrhoses.

Yes, it’s that time again. Where we say goodbye to the old year and hello to the new year, same as the old year. So, rather than just find a tee with “2013” stamped on it, I thought this would do as my New Years Eve T-Shirt. It informs on what I’ll be drinking. Probably. But who knows…?

Tonight is not a night of sensible, restrained sipping, but for raucous, sloshed quaffing. As it was so done by our forefathers, so shall it be done by us. I’d actually quite like to be sensible. I would. It would be great to not spend the first day of 2013 nursing a hangover reminiscent of the apocalypse, but I will be doing so, I dare say. It’s tradition. Besides, if my new years resolution is to eat vegetables, do exercise and live an altogether healthier lifestyle, it’s only fitting that I say goodbye to 2012 with a night consisting of 40 cigarettes, 50 units of alcohol and a traffic cone that I’ll steal at 4am in the morning. Happens every year like clockwork. I don’t know what it is about traffic cones that are so appealing to the average drunk, but they are. Maybe it’s because they make a fetching hat and a handy vomit catching receptacle all in one (though it’s important to do it in that order or it gets the worst kind of messy). And said vomit, will be comprised mostly of alcohol that could have been anything in its previous pre-stomach incarnation. Hence this Bathtub Gin T-Shirt which is both a charming and very clever design, but also a description of my impending imbibings. Lovely stuff.

Where does one get their hands on this t-shirt? Head over to cafepress.co.uk where at the moment it is just £21.50. It was designed by the very talented IStillLiveWithMyParents and it comes in nine colours and nine sizes too. In fact, I may just go and lie in the bath and have people pour gin onto me. Saves energy. Nice.

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Vegetable T-Shirt – The pleasures of being lazy.

More slothful than a forest full of sloths.

It’s been a while since my last post. You’ll excuse me for taking a Christmas break. I’ve done very little with my time. I’ve been vegging (surely it should be ‘veging’ or ‘veg-ing’ but I’m going with the consensus spelling) out. Ergo, the Vegetable T-Shirt.

I have been doing my best impressions of vegetables in the last couple of days. Sitting like the archetypal couch potato and  lying in filth like a bulbous marrow, I have been wallowing, and how I have wallowed. For two days now, I have done nothing. It has been glorious. After a very hectic festive period, I’ve rewarded myself with blissful lethargy. I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek and Family Guy, consumed little else but chocolate and fizzy drinks. I’ve smoked my weight in cigarettes, had a couple of beers and taken at least two baths a day. It has been heaven, but it will soon come to an end. And that’s not a bad thing. Slight duties and activities would be welcome I’m sure. I have to continue moving to my new house and work will start again. Then there’s the whole New Year’s Eve thing. I’m sure I can handle getting back to doing some form of exercise a little more strenuous than lifting the TV remote. Well, maybe start with a big sandwich and work my way up to lifting myself out of the couch. We’ll see how it goes.

You can get this t-shirt for yourself from Esquire Clothing where, at the time of writing, it is reduced from £25.00 to £16.00 (very nice!). It comes in green, and sizes range from small to XL. Now, if only I could stop looking like a hairy pumpkin…

 

Merry Christmas T-Shirt – Bon Noel y’all!

Merry Christmas from BigScaryTees.com – have a good one.

I’m going to take a bit of a break for Christmas (probably be posting again on Boxing Day) so I thought I’d leave you with this Merry Christmas T-shirt. It’s a bit late to get it for this year now, but you can invest for Xmas 2013!

So, as grumpy as I am about Christmas (and I am), I am looking forward to the time off and the sleeping. I haven’t stopped in days. I’ve been in hotels and bars, meeting friends, taking trains, meeting family, moving house (!) and all the rest and the hecticity (it’s a word I made up a while ago that I hoped would catch on – it didn’t) doesn’t stop until 27 December. On that day, I am going to bed, and I do not expect to be woken up for at least 24 hours. I shall doze and relax and chill and mellow out beneath my duvet. I shall snore heartily and do little else. No talking, eating, moving – just me, the land of nod and dreams. I even want my dreams to be about sleep. That’d be sweet. Of course, before I get the chance to indulge in my snooze-fest, it’s Christmas night and Santa will be coming. Well, not to my house. I’m not a kid, I don’t have kids and I don’t know kids. Besides, I really don’t need any more coal. But if he did come, I’d much prefer him slam dunking the gifts down the chimney. What a spectacle that would be. Perhaps I’ll dream about Santa at the next NBA all-star game, taking part in the dunk contest. But then, that would interfere with me dreaming about sleep, so maybe in the new year.

You can get this Basketball Santa T-Shirt at 8ball.co.uk. It’s currently (at time of writing) on sale for £11.99, comes in sizes ranging from small to 3XL, and it’s available in four colours. Go on, treat yourself. All that’s left for me to do is to wish you all a very merry Christmas and I’ll speak to you all soon.

 

You’re Not Dead Yet T-Shirt – Keep going.

“Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly” – Elbert Hubbard

I remember the phrase well from my rugby-playing days. This You’re Not Dead Yet T-Shirt is very good of reminding one that as comforting as the sentiment is, it can also be a bit of a let down.

I didn’t want to write another post about how we’re all not dead because the Mayan apocalypse that they (didn’t) predict didn’t happen, and although this looks like it could go that way, it’s not intended to. I was sent a link to a t-shirt site by my friend Cora. I saw this t-shirt and instantly was transported back to being 16 years old, running around a muddy field on a day like this, covered in mud and having people try and attack me. When I was at school, you either enjoyed Rugby, or you were wrong. It was what my school was good at and we won more than our fair share of championships. I played loosehead prop and that meant being right in the middle of the scrum and being one of the biggest guys on the pitch. And when you’re that big, all the shorter guys tend to aim for you. Like they’re proving a point. I could withstand a lot of punishment, but on one occasion, the scrum collapsed and someone’s elbow came down on my wrist. For a few seconds, the weight of 16 fat teenagers was grinding down on my arm, and though it didn’t break, I went through one of the most painful of experiences of my life. I blacked out briefly. At the hospital later, it was decided that I had considerable nerve damage and for the next two years, I had diminished sensation in my right arm. It still goes a little weird even today – 12 years later. But as I came round and tried to get up, panicking and in pretty considerable pain, my coach said “You’re not dead yet.” I think it was supposed to be comforting in a manly sort-of-way, but at the time, death would have been sweet release. See. Double-edged.

This t-shirt that has taken me back to those days comes from printliberation.com where it costs $24.00. Sizes go from XS to XL and it comes in grey. And I hope you never suffer the pain of your nerves being ground against your bones. It’s not nice.

 

Mayan Calendar T-Shirt – For us survivors.

It’s the end of the world as w- oh, wait. Never mind.

Well, another end of the world that failed to materialise. I wore this Mayan Calendar T-Shirt in preparation and everything. Nothing. Not so much as a flaming comet or skyscraper-sized tidal wave. What a let down.

How are we supposed to prepare for the end of the world when people like the Mayans, Nostradamus and the developers who “discovered” the Millennium Bug have cried wolf so many times. Do you know what I did in preparation for today? I sat at my desk at work and then went outside for a smoke. Hardly what I’d like to do at the end of the world, but that’s because I just didn’t believe. What would I do if I could be sure the world was ending? Not sure, but it’d be a damn sight more exciting than spreadsheets and a single Winston Blue. So what did happen? Well, a lot of idiots looked even more idiotic. REM got a lot richer. News presenters looked smug (I mean more than usual). That was about the sum of it. I’m not saying that I want to see the end of the world, but flaming meteorites, giant monsters, aliens, earthquakes and the like would sure go a long way to breaking up an otherwise dull friday in December. A few screams instead of yawns would shake things up a little bit (…that doesn’t make me sound weird at all). Oh, well. Maybe next time.

There are lots of End Of The World T-Shirts out there, but I found this one on spreadshirt.com. It costs $17.30, comes in sizes ranging from small to XXL and plenty of colours. Well, until the next ancient society predicts global destruction (probably next year) we’ll just have to get by on the memories.

p.s. The other reason I didn’t throw myself into a binge of narcotics and prostitutes (yeah, that’s probably what I’d do) was because the Mayans never said the world would end today, but people like hyping these things up and I’m just shamelessly riding the bandwagon to get a post out of it. So there you go.

 

Earthworm Jim T-Shirt – We think he’s mighty fine.

Such a groovy guy.

This post is a bittersweet one. On the one hand, I get to think back to my youth with the help of one of the greatest computer game/cartoon characters ever, but on the other hand, I’m saying goodbye to my boss. Regardless of all that, the Earthworm Jim T-Shirt is an excellent garment.

Back in the days when having 16-bits in your console was the height of technology, we were spoiled for choice when it came to original video games. Developers could be a lot more daring in those days, and, in all honesty, the results were mixed. But one game that captured the imagination and delivered brilliant gameplay, was Earthworm Jim. What’s not to love about a worm running around in a robotic suit shooting things? I still own my Sega Megadrive but it rarely gets a look in these days. Maybe though, over Christmas, I might make Jim run one more time. However, another Jim is already running. My colleague (and boss) Jim is heading to pastures new leaving me with my training incomplete. Ok, so it’s not like I’m going to head of to Cloud City to take on Vader and get my arm cut off, but it’s still sad. I’ve been working with Jim for a year or so now, learning a lot about the stuff we do. Also, he’s one of the very few men in the office so I’m going to end up being suffocated by oestrogen and cupcakes (and not in a good way). He also curates a very cool graffiti website which I think you should all check out.

Back to the tee, and you can find this for yourself at myteespot.com where it costs just $19.99. It’s only available in 2XL Black at the time of writing this, so I hope you like ’em baggy. So goodbye Jim – it’s been a pleasure. Good luck!

 

Fat T-Shirt – Well, that’s my resolution sorted then.

FEEEED MEEE! …no, wait.

I got fat. I was never really thin, but I got myself down to being a larger-than-normal normal guy. Now, I appear to be a fat guy again. I’m going to get this Fat T-Shirt to help motivate myself to drop a few pounds (stone) in the new year.

I’d like to say that I don’t know how it happened but, alas, I do. I have an appalling diet, I drink too much and I don’t do nearly enough exercise. I used to run a bit, and eat that green stuff called… er… fruit, but not so much these days. I exist on a “diet” of chocolate and fast food. And beer. And never running anywhere ever anymore. I don’t even get time to walk anywhere really. Well, I do have time but other things like painting, working and playing on an xbox seem to get in the way a bit. Well, today I saw myself in a full length mirror for the first time in a while. I got proper fat all over again. The hotel room I’m staying in right now has loads of these mirrors all over the place and I’ve been trying not to look in them, but this morning I saw the full extent of the devastation that my “lifestyle” has had on me. It was pretty horrific. And terrifying. But it’s not like I can do anything about it now. Start a diet and exercise just before Xmas? Pffftt! Yeah. That’ll work. Therefore, I shall enjoy Christmas, just as I always do. There will be dinners, lunches, brunches and drinks and I’m damned if I’m going to miss out on that stuff. But when 2013 rolls around, I am going to force myself to do something. I’ve got guts to get rid of, flab to fight and excess rolls to burn off. I may fit into a large t-shirt (instead of an XL) before too long.

I discovered this t-shirt on spreadshirt.com where it costs $20.20. This version comes in sizes S-XXL and there are loads of colours available (I picked green to remind me of healthy food). If  sweat is fat crying, then my blubber will be bawling like a kid with a skinned knee throughout next year. Bring it on.

 

Schopenhauer T-Shirt – Be philosophical about it.

“To live alone is the fate of all great souls”

All human desire causes pain. This was the idea that Schopenhauer put forward in his work The World as Will and Representation and, well, he was pretty much on the money with that one. So, here’s a Schopenhauer T-Shirt for those of you in pain with desire.

It’s actually a relatively old concept, but Schopenhauer fleshed out and developed the idea that Plato and Aristotle had been arguing about thousands of years before. In fact, he turned it around and formed the idea that there was a collective will, almost with its own identity, that was forever unfulfilled and seeking to be satisfied. So there you go. Didn’t come here expecting a lesson in 19th century philosophy, did you? …You did? Weirdo. Anyway, I had my own bit of suffering to go through today, driven by my desire to not have a sensitive tooth. Two fillings. Not the most fun I’ve had on a lunch break, but there have been worse days. And as annoying, uncomfortable and painful as invasive dentistry can be, it sure beats not being able to eat on one side of your mouth. Two weeks of that is not fun. But I’m all better now. I dare say I will continue to desire and that will cause me pain, but at least the pain won’t be in my mouth. Of course, it was Schopenhauer who said that life, without pain, lacks meaning. To be honest, Art, I could learn to live with meaningless.

So if you’re in the market for a Philosopher T-Shirt, I recommend this one. It was designed by Strk3 and you can find it at cafepress.com where it costs $37.99. It’s available in nine colours and nine sizes so you’re sure to find the one for you. Just remember to floss, gargle and stop drinking fizzy drinks!

 

Robots T-Shirt – Where’s my Automaton?

The fact that I don’t have a robot does not compute.

We were all promised so much, so long ago. And yet we never got half of what we were supposed to have by now. And the greatest thing missing from my life (apart from love, companionship and a true sense of purpose) is a robot. This Robots T-Shirt highlights my pain well.

I’m not asking for much. It doesn’t need the realistic look of Mr Data, the unparalleled intelligence of Project 2501, the humour of Bender, or the killing power of Mechagodzilla. It just needs to be a robot. A cool robot. I want my damn robot! Years (decades!) ago, we were promised hotels on the moon, flying cars and eternal life. Granted, some of these promises were made by the writers of sci-fi books and films, but still! All science-fiction has some grounding in science-fact, and the fact of the matter is that I’m still missing a robot over here. As things stand, Asimo is the closest thing we’ve got but there’s only one of him and he costs too much. Also, he’s not exactly a great conversationalist, even if he’s impressive in other areas. A robot has always been top of my list (along with a working lighsaber and a Firefly class transport ship), but I guess I shall just have to keep waiting. But, while I wait for my robot, I shall console myself with this splendid I Robots T-Shirt, designed by the very talented Hannah Baber. Each little robot that makes up the bigger robot is very cool and very cute – kind of like if Devastator from the Transformers was assembled in a toy store… although thinking about it, that probably happens quite a bit.

Anyway, this splendid, original and delightful t-shirt was found on notonthehighstreet.com. Hannah designs for Mild West Heroes who stock this for £19.00. It comes in grey, with sizes ranging from small to XL. And as I can’t have my robot yet, I shall make a point of enjoying the robots on this excellent t-shirt.

 

The Shining T-Shirt – Heading to a hotel this winter?

All work and no play make John (that’s me) a dull boy…

While I’m waiting for my new room in my new house to open up, I’m staying at a hotel in Earls Court for the week. It’s not exactly the Overlook Hotel, and I’m a little disappointed about that. Still, The Shining T-Shirt helps me make-believe a little.

There are several important differences between rural, snow-bound Colorado and wet, rainy London, but that’s no excuse. The hotel I booked, while pleasant enough, is not exactly an exciting place. It’s more one of those faceless, pastel-coloured, soulless places, devoid of flavour or interest. For example, when I walk down the hallway, I’m almost never confronted by creepy twins wanting me to play with them for ever and ever. Not once have I felt the pounding of a fire axe on the door of my room. Instead of the above, I occasionally run into a businessman who nods an unfeeling and unenthusiastic hello. And no-one’s even given my door a gentle tap (more’s the pity). I can’t run through snow-drifts outside either. All that’s outside my hotel’s front door are a couple of tramps and a park that always seems to be locked. However, I will say that if you’re staying in London, Earls Court is an excellent place to base yourself. Great transport links, good shops/pubs and beautiful scenery all over the place. There’s even a Tardis outside the station. And the best thing about it, for me at least, is that by staying there, I don’t have to deal with the arctic cold and crippling depression of Twyford Station at 7am. Now that drives you mental!

Anyway, The Shining is another great Christmas movie (kind of) and therefore this Overlook Hotel T-shirt makes for excellent festive attire. It can be found at 8ball.co.uk where it costs just £15.99, comes in four colours and sizes go from small to 3XL. Letoh. Letoh. Letoh…