Coffee T-Shirt – Me and my stupid mouth.

January 17, 2013 § Leave a comment

coffee made me do it t-shirt

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons” – T.S. Eliot

My morning java is an important part of my life. Until I’ve had a cup, I’m utterly useless – something that I demonstrated this morning with real flair. So, a Coffee T-Shirt, and a brief story about how my idiocy manifests first thing in the morning.

So, after showering and getting dressed, I head downstairs in my new house to go make toast and coffee. As I’m waiting for the kettle to boil, one of my new housemates comes down and we exchange the pleasant good mornings. We’ve been very polite to each other, but I sense we’re both still in the ‘I-don’t-really-know-you-yet’ stage of housematehood. That’s fine. We’re nice enough to each other and I dare say we’ll strike up more meaningful conversations one day. Anyway, we had a brief chat, made a couple of jokes and then, as she was turning on the coffee maker, she noticed my mug of instant and asked if I’d like some real coffee. I enjoy real coffee as much as the next man, but first thing in the morning, I love instant coffee. My tastebuds aren’t really awake and the freeze-dried flavour is actually a bit comforting to me. I’ve always had instant coffee first thing in the morning and I love it. Now, this is what I should have conveyed to my housemate this morning when she offered me real coffee. But my brain decided to take a holiday at that point, saying “ok vocal chords, I trust you to handle this.” and, given this free reign, my mouth came up with the sentance:

“It’s ok. I have instant love.”

…what the hell was that!? Really!!? That’s not even a sentence! That doesn’t mean anything! Thanks mouth. Thanks for that slice of erudition worthy of Wilde or Wittgenstein. It’s as if that was my mouth’s version of a ‘watch this’ moment. Instant love!? It sounds like a really bad pick up line or an advert for viagra! I apologise for the amount of exclamation marks I’m using right now, but this situation has earned more than a few of them, as has my disbelief at the fact that my mouth is that stupid. Why not “It’s ok. I love instant coffee.”? Would that have been so difficult?! Am I so dense that that is beyond me? That’s the conversational equivalent of dribbling. People who say words like that should be made to wear rubber armbands and crash helmets all day. I’m such a prat before my first cup of coffee. Dear God… Anyway, my house mate went upstairs before I could even make a joke about how retarded that sounded, and I went about my day trying to claim that the coffee made me do it.

This Coffee Made Me Do It T-Shirt comes from where it costs between $17 and $24 US. It comes in plenty of styles, colours and sizes so you’re sure to find one that fits you. And I’m going to find my mouth some sort of restraining mechanism or gag so that I don’t go around informing anyone else of my ‘instant love’. Stupid coffee…


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