Star Wars Bacon T-Shirt – THIS is how you crush the rebellion.

February 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

Sith T-Shirt

Now you will witness the power of this fully operational frying pan.

Why am I looking at this tee? Well, it combines two of my favourite things in the world ever. Star Wars and Bacon. Anything that combines those two things instantly gets my approval. So, without further ado (not that there had been too much ado before now – precious little ado actually), here is a Star Wars Bacon T-Shirt.

So, say you’re a couple of Sith guys with most of the universe under your control. Like any successful business, you want 100% market share of everything you’re involved in (weapons, soldiers, the Force, etc…). It’s natural. But how do you get people to convert? Were I Vader, or the Emperor, the first bit of propaganda I would do, would be to start a rumour about how the rebels are going to ban bacon. Maybe that the “light” side of the force was all about dieting and that bacon just didn’t fit in with that philosophy. Every ship in the galaxy would turn against them. Han and Chewie would have flushed Ben and Luke into the vacuum of Space, paid Jabba what they owed him with the reward money for doing so, and gone and had a bacon sarnie. The whole saga over by act the start of act 2. Done. Instead though, the Sith preached all the boring stuff and didn’t win hearts and minds. Bacon wins hearts and minds. And then clogs up the arteries of said hearts with win. fatty, salty win. It’s odd they didn’t think of it, seeing as a Sith lightsaber is kind-of the same colour as bacon.

This Sith T-Shirt is brought to you by the good folks at the geekiest place on Earth, Thinkgeek.com. It costs between $20.99 and $22.99, comes in red and sizes range from Small to XXXL. And in my mind, if the rebellion had been crushed, to sweeten the guards at Imperial checkpoints, Han would have renamed his ship the Millennium Bacon. May the Pork be with you.

 

Asteroids T-Shirt – Topical and terrifying.

February 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

atari t-shirt

Who thought a game about shooting rocks could be that addictive?

 

Ever wonder about a giant radioactive lump of ice, metal and rock slamming into the earth and wiping us out in a grim homage to the extinction of the dinosaurs? Are you a retro-gamer who believes that the Sega Master System is just a bit too modern? Then have I found the Asteroids T-Shirt for you.

Last week, space was providing us with lots of news. Most notably, an asteroid had a pretty near miss with the Earth, and another set a town in Russia on fire. We seem to be entering a time of increased space rock activity (either that or rolling-news channels are using them as a new way of scare mongering) which is fun if you’re an astronomer, but a bit terrifying for all the ‘fraidy-cats out there. Later in the year, a particularly big one will be as bright as the moon as it passes very close to us. Let’s just hope some evil scientist doesn’t figure out a way to make it hit us. If an asteroid is big enough, and breaks its orbit around the sun and becomes a meteor, and smashes into Earth as a meteorite, we’ll end up dying under sulphurous, radioactive ash clouds. That’s not due to happen (apparently), but if it does, anyone who’s a fan of the old arcade/Atari game Asteroids will be able to help. Give them a space ship and watch them spin around, blasting the meteor into smaller and smaller chunks until it is gone entirely. Or, if you give me a space ship, I’ll spin around missing everything before flying side-first into a rock. When the day comes, we’ll owe Atari our lives.

You can get this Atari T-Shirt at Gamerabilia.co.uk where it costs  £16.99. It comes in black and sizes range from small to XXL. It should also be noted that I know how to destroy an invading alien space fleet, provided that they move in a very regular, progressively descending way.

Meat Loaf T-Shirt – Like a Tee out of Hell

February 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

meat loaf tee

Classic rock and pie charts combined. Awesome.

Every now and again, my musical tastes revert to Meat Loaf. It’s like my default music for some reason. And that’s kind of happening now. So, in celebration of this, I have found this brilliant Meat Loaf T-Shirt. It’s like the only time maths has been cool.

My musical tastes run in phases, and I always start each phase with Meat Loaf. I’m not sure why. I have several days of music on my iPod, with genres ranging from Metal to Rap, from Blues to Trance, with a few lashings of Folk, Punk, Classical and plenty of Rock in between. But despite this, I get bored. I feel like I’ve listened to everything. That’s when I go back to The Loaf. I also look like him a bit (yes, ladies, it’s true). Usually, after a few renditions of Bat Out Of Hell or I’d Lie For You (And That’s The Truth), I create a new playlist and move on. Then, in several months’ time, I’ll have to reset again, and I’ll be listing to Hot Patootie again. It’s like a musical comfort blanket, I guess. You can rock out, dance to it a bit and it’s great sing-along music too. And now, you can have the fun of applying mathematics to it as well. As well as the above pie chart, there’s “2/3 ≥ satisfactory” and “∞<old”. I’m working on others too (turns out I need to spend a bit more time with my algebra books before I start trying this stuff – but I’m sure there are plenty there). Anyway, I shall start a new musical phase soon as I’m currently enjoying Mr Marvin Adey (yep, that’s his real name) at his romantic, OTT best.

Grab your own Meaty tee at Chargrilled.co.uk. It’ll cost you £17.95, there are loads of colours and sizes go up to XXXL in this men’s style (there are hoodies and women’s fit as well). Now go pull on a frilly shirt and waistcoat combo, get some red roses, and get your oversized romantic on.

 

Hello Kitty T-Shirt – Goodbye Nicola!

February 20, 2013 § Leave a comment

Hello Kitty T-Shirt

ハローキティ – That’s Hello Kitty in Japanese (apparently)

So, my friend and colleague Nicola is heading off to pastures new, and she couldn’t be going any further away. She’s going to Japan. This is her last week of work and in a month, she’ll be off to the land of the rising sun. As she’s a massive fan, here’s a Hello Kitty T-Shirt that I think she’d like.

Long ago, I was going to head off to Japan to teach English but everything fell through and I ended up in a comfortable job in London. Which was fine, but I do regret not following up with it some times. Well, Nicola, who has been a friend and workmate for a couple of years or more now, is heading off to a land where they make houses out of paper, pizza delivery prices are extortionate and Godzillas roam freely across the landscape. She’s done her homework and learned japanese (well, she can count to 10), and she’s the sort of person who suits the craziness that happens in Japan. Often she’ll be the first person to find the cool, new stuff in London. She’ll tell us about pubs where everything is made of cheese, or pop-up bars that you can only find if you can decode a message in latin or morse code. We’ll miss that and will have to get round to our own exploring. And, she loves Hello Kitty. She’s moderately obsessed with it really, and that’s why this is a fitting t-shirt for her. Perhaps, as she sits on the costa del Tokyo, sipping warm saki from a dirty glass, watching the Mothras mate in the fading evening light, she’ll remember her friends back in London, toiling away and eating sub-par sushi.

If you also happen to be a big fan of Hello Kitty, you can get this tee at Welovefine.com where it costs $25. It comes in blue or white, and sizes range from small to XXL. And it’s guaranteed to repel 99% of Godzilla attacks (not really).

 

Satanic Cat T-Shirt – I knew the devil.

February 19, 2013 § Leave a comment

Evil Cat T-Shirt

Hell-o Kitty. *groans*

Let me tell you a tale – the tale of my first cat, whose name was Una. When I saw this Satanic Cat T-Shirt, it immediately made me think of her. Her dark legend lives on, in my memories and my nightmares. She’s also why I love cats. That sounds weird doesn’t it?

When I was born, Una was already a year old. Her mother, Lily, had been the sweetest cat in the world according to my parents. Friendly and loveable. Unfortunately she was hit by a car before I was born and she died, but not before Una had been born. Una got hit by a car too. The car came off worse. Una lived. By all accounts, my parents didn’t choose Una, she chose them. When she was a kitten, rather than sleep with the rest of the litter, she slept in my parents’ bed. When they gave the litter away and kept one kitten for themselves, they didn’t really have a choice. From then on, her reign of terror began. As an inquisitive toddler, I was fascinated by the cat, despite the fact that every time I touched her she unleashed a whirlwind of claws and teeth on my. For years, I thought that garden animals just went to sleep on the door mat, not understanding that each night she would slink off into the darkness and destroy anything that squeaked. Other cats were terrified of her. In fact, all animals were. She once got into the neighbours’ rabbit hutch and the neighbours thought there was a fox in the vicinity. Only I knew the truth. I’d found her in the morning, happily washing rabbit blood off her fur. She sent a Labrador to the vet’s once after she attached herself to its nose. We never had rat or mice problems on our road growing up. And the weirdest thing is, she never died. She simply disappeared one day. No-one could work out where she’d gone (by the end of her life there was no way she could get out of the garden, but she wasn’t there). I’m convinced that Satan called her back to hell to lead his armies. But despite all of her sins, my mother always thought of her as the little kitten who was all cuteness and charm. And that’s why I love cats. For all their sins, we still think they’re beautiful and cuddly. Cunning.

So, it’s perfectly logical to associate cats with satan, and this Evil Cat T-Shirt does that excellently. It’s simple, but it works, and you can get your own at Burgerandfriends.com (t’s a flash site so click on ‘tees’ and scroll down. It comes in black, costs $30.00 and sizes range from small to XL in both men’s and women’s fits. And finally, a picture that sums up all cats, and the way their minds work. Meow.

 

Urban Monkey T-Shirt – Monkey!

February 19, 2013 § Leave a comment

Angry Monkey T-Shirt

King of the urban swingers. Wait. That sounds wrong…

It’s been a while. Too long perhaps. Every now and again, I need to look at monkeys. Ergo, I have found this Urban Monkey T-Shirt which not only satisfies my want to look at primates, but is also a rather dashing tee. Ook.

The idea of an urban monkey intrigues me. Sure, there are cities around the globe that have monkeys, but the one that I currently live in, has no primates at all. What if the great apes could be seen swinging along the embankment, or macaques chasing the nightingales in Barkley Square? How much better would that be. Note the lack of question mark. It was rhetorical. The only answer is that it would be amazingly awesome on so many levels. Sure there would be problems at first. We’d have to work out how to keep the howler monkeys away from the British Library (shhh…!) and the orang-utans would probably try to dismantle all the tourists’ cameras (very delicately of course), but we could get around these things. I know I’d feel safer with a silverback gorilla dominating Royal Festival Hall. Wouldn’t you? Well, enough of my fevered ramblings on monkeys living in London. It’s a nice idea, but I don’t see it happening. Alas…

So, I shall have to be content with this charming Angry Monkey T-Shirt. I found it at Tshirt-Factory.com where it costs just $10. It’s actually a template for printing your own tee, so you might need access to some printing gear, but if you have it, you should totally make this. While you do, I shall be dreaming of feeding the rhesus monkeys in Trafalgar Square. Why not?

 

Sweet T-Shirt – Let’s not be sour about this.

February 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

Cupcake T-Shirt

“Change in all things is sweet” – Aristotle

Ok, so that last post was a bit bitter. It was a full on “I hate everything” moment. I still hold much of it to be true, but there is some sweetness in the world. Not in my world, but the world in general. So here’s a very Sweet T-Shirt to make you go “Awww…” instead of “Aarrgghh!!!”.

This delightful looking cupcake-themed tee is very lovely. It’s as cute as a button (not that I spend much time noticing the cuteness of buttons – stupid turn of phrase) and just darling. It’s so sweet that I can only taste sugar, and have now developed diabetes! It’s so sweet… Nope. Can’t do it. It is very sweet but I’m not the sort of person who does sweet really. Apart from occasional videos featuring kittens and a penchant for the romantic (not that I ever get a chance to show that off), I’m not really about sweetness. I’m cynical, distrustful and dismissive of anything that appears to be too ‘nice’ or ‘lovely’. Yes, it’s part of the problem. I know that. Anyway, I really like the design of this tee. It is cute, but it also has an edge to it. There are skulls, bad grammar, evidence of physical harm, fangs and anthropomorphising food is an indication of cannibal tendencies. Ok, so I made that last one up, but I could believe it. I think this is a very cool shirt, and am only sad that I could only find a girl’s version.

This Cupcake T-Shirt is available from Attitudeclothing.co.uk where it costs £21.99. In women’s fit, it comes in grey, and sizes range from small to XL. I’m off to neck a bottle of honey and rub a kilo of granulated into my skin. Try and make myself sweeter. Yeah.

 

Valentine’s T-Shirt – May you be allergic to roses.

February 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

Valentine's Tee

Again, no card. No nothing.

Well, the dreaded day has arrived again. Another year of loneliness. Another year without love or even intimate companionship. I know I already looked at an Anti-Valentine’s tee, but here’s my Valentine’s T-Shirt.

I’m not a naturally bitter person. Ok, I am a little bit, but if there’s a day that makes me akin to strong dark chocolate, dipped in black coffee, it’s Valentine’s Day. If you got a card, maybe a flower or a gift, then congrats. Well done. You’re obviously a person deserving of love. Apparently, I failed that test a long time ago and so I am one of those who never got anything. I’m now sitting in the dark, listening to the The J. Gelis Band’s Love Stinks and Rammstein’s Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da and brooding over the apparent wrong turn I took. Fat, ugly and hairy aside, I know I’m not exactly a catch, but I didn’t think I was so repulsive that in the 29 years I have existed on this planet, I wouldn’t be worthy of a single Valentine’s card that didn’t come from my mother when I was a kid, or as a token of sympathy. Actually, my two year old God-daughter gave me a card a couple of years ago. Not exactly romantic though, is it. Anyway, to all you happy couples out there, I just hope that the champagne is flat, the chocolates poisoned and that your candle lit dinner means that your electricity has been cut off. Bitter? Hell yes. Confused and annoyed? Indeed. Angry at the world and everyone in it who has happiness and love? You better believe it. Looking forward to tomorrow when this dreadful occasion is a whole year away? Yeppers.

Get your own Valentine’s Tee at Spreadshirt.com. It costs $29.10, comes in loads of colours, styles and sizes. Join me in some bitterness, darkness and tragedy. It’s not as fun as it sounds, but it gets shit done.

 

Cup Of Tea T-Shirt – Lent has arrived.

February 13, 2013 § Leave a comment

Tea-Shirt

Give me tea or give me death! Or coffee. Maybe juice.

Lent has arrived. After a night of stuffing myself with pancakes, I now feel the need to sacrifice something. So, like a fool – a crazy, sexy fool – I’m giving up tea AND biscuits. Am I mad? Probably. So, to celebrate/commiserate, here is a Tea T-shirt.

As a British person, tea is, quite rightly, a big part of my life. From high tea in bone china to a bag in a mug, I drink rather a lot of the stuff. It is often accompanied by biscuits in some form or another. From bourbon creams to garibaldis, from chocolate digestives to vanilla wafers, I’ll munch them all. And it is because they are common factors in my daily existence that I am giving them up for a few weeks. There’s no point in giving up something alien. That’s not a challenge. I could easily give up taunting armadillos, or teaching economics to daffodils, but I’ll gain nothing from it. Those activities combined take up no more than 20 minutes of my week. Tea and biscuits take up much more. Also, what with this technically being a religious thing, and me being raised C of E, tea and biscuits came naturally to mind. To make up for these things being missing in my diet, I shall be drinking more coffee than is medically safe. Hopefully I’ll drink enough that I’ll be able to see through time and, more miraculously, develop a metabolism. That’d be nice. Anyway, wish me luck, and keep the pot warm for my return at Easter.

You can get this Tea-Shirt (see what I did there?) for yourself at spreadshirt.co.uk where it will cost you £20.80. It comes in a multitude of colours, styles and sizes so you’ll find the fit for you. So sit back and enjoy a cuppa, dunk a rich tea biscuit, and think of me hopped up on coffee.

 

Heavy Metal T-Shirt – I really do like it.

February 8, 2013 § Leave a comment

Metal T-Shirt

“Why would heavy metal ever go away?” – Scott Ian (Anthrax)

My music collection has grown to be somewhat eclectic over the years, but the one constant that always remains, that will always be there, is Heavy Metal. I think it’s time to salute the genre itself with a Heavy Metal T-Shirt. Rock on.

I’ve come a long way from my days as a bit of a goth. Ok, so the hair’s still long, but that’s more to do with me looking stupid with short hair than my commitments to music. In the last decade I have found myself branching out more and diversifying the music in my collection. On my iPod, you’ll now find everything from Beethoven to Muddy Waters, from Depeche Mode to the Wu Tang Clan. I enjoy it all, but despite this growth, I always regress to heavy metal. It’s who I am. I was forged in the fires of Iron Maiden and Metallica, developed with the driving sounds of Rammstein and Fear Factory, thrashed out to Slayer and Sepultura and I even suffered willingly through Nu Metal with Korn and Limp Bizkit. To quote Lemmy, one of the undoubted Gods of Heavy Metal, “I got Rock n Roll. It satisfies my soul.” and it really does. I still get chills when I hear a great riff, even when I’ve heard it so many times before. I still get the urge to grab my bass whenever I hear a great song and rock out with myself, pretending I’m playing a stadium show with one of the monsters of rock. It still gets me. I always wanted to be a rock star and though that looks like it’s not going to happen anymore, I still wish it would. Heavy metal is the music of imaginative people with true depth of character and strong personalities. If you like your metal, I salute you.

I think this is a great shirt. It’s humorous, honest and, frankly, it rocks. You can get this Metal T-Shirt by heading over to Redmolotov.com. It comes in loads of colours and sizes and the price of this Men’s Tee is £14.99. So, weather you like Hair Metal, Black Metal, Death Metal, Hard Rock, Grunge, Thrash or Classic, spend a bit of time rocking out and enjoy the finest type of music.

 

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