Biohazard T-Shirt – Getting reborn

‘My sun sets to rise again’ – Robert Browning

The man who once told you about t-shirts is dead. I am the new version. 2.0. Except I’ve done this so many times it’s more like version 11.3, but that’s not the point. This Biohazard T-Shirt, created for a very a band that I used to like a lot, is a good metaphor. Here’s what’s happening.

You know what I had for lunch today? Fruit, yoghurt and low fat cheese. Know what I’m about to do in a moment? Go for a run. And then I’m going to lift weights. Yeah. Why this intense activity and apparently healthier living? Well, it’s the only way I’m going to change the body-of-a-God-shame-it’s-Buddha that I’ve got. And that joke has always annoyed me because Siddhartha Gautama was not a God, but an enlightened human and there is no evidence that he was in any way chunky. Anyway, I need to make changes. Drastic, immediate and tough changes that will turn me back into the muscle-bound hulk that I was a few years back. And I’m determined to do it this time round. Even though these actions could be biologically hazardous (hence the relevance of the symbol), I’m willing to take that risk to reconstruct the truly God-like frame that I once had. Bring it on. I’m going to get healthy (and still smoke and have the occasional drink) or die trying. This tee is also apt because it has ‘Reborn in defiance’ written on it, due to the fact that it celebrates an album of that name by the hardcore band Biohazard. I’m going to need some of their aggression and power as I start running again. I am defying my natural state of fat and lazy, and replacing it with healthy and proactive. My goal? To go from XL to L t-shirts before the summer. And to look a bit like a superhero too. Bring it on.

This Reborn In Defiance T-Shirt comes to you from the good folks at Thisispulp.co.uk where it will cost you just £13.99. It comes in orange and is currently only available in small. Which is a bit of a shame as I doubt I’ll ever fit into a small, but it’s a great looking shirt nevertheless. Onwards, to glory.

 

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You Are Not Alone T-Shirt – They’re out there…

What would be the logistical problems of an alien dating agency?

Well, I had a boring weekend and that’s not a good thing. Partly because it’s antisocial, but also because it gives my brain a chance to do some heavy thinking. Sunday evening ended with the conclusion that I need to date an alien. Ergo, this You Are Not Alone T-Shirt is perfectly apt.

Now, before you think I’ve strolled down the route of the uber-nerd who fantasises about the three-breasted Martian hooker, I should say that I haven’t. I mean, sure, just after watching Total Recall for the first time when I was like 15, yeah I thought about it but that’s not the point. Anyway, so, I was thinking about what happens when (alright, ‘if’) we make contact with other species from across the universe. This means that there will be new dating opportunities (after the initial ‘honestly, we’re not trying to kill you’ period) and whoever gets in on the ground floor first could make a mint. There would be problems of course. Coding so that something works on a PC and a Mac is hard enough without introducing alien technology to the equation – though I bet someone at Microsoft or Apple is working on that already. But once it’s up and running, given the amount of lonely people on Earth, the aliens would probably have a similar issues. This is all predicated on there being some level of mutual sexual attraction between us and them but if Sci-Fi has taught me anything, there are lots of attractive females among the Stars. Ok, so Captain Kirk already had most of them, but I’m sure there’re plenty left. And for those of us (and I’m including myself in this statement) that are a bit on the lonely and frustrated side of things at the moment, this could be a great opportunity. Who knows – perhaps being fat and shy are the most important things to a woman from across the galaxy. One can only hope.

So, as I work out how to set up a social/dating site using the coloured lights from Close Encounters, I shall leave you with this rather good Alien T-Shirt design. It’s another one that you’ll need to print onto a tee yourself, but it looks great and will set you back just $10.00 from Tshirt-factory.com. Also, note the alien giving the middle finger. That’s cool though, as this one totally doesn’t do it for me.

P.S. Upon reading the above article I note all (and there are a few) the problems with my brain and promise to try and not have another quiet weekend ever again, and to stick to more conventional methods to find a girlfriend that don’t involve inter-stellar travel, hitchhikers guides or telescopes (especially not telescopes). Apologies for my weird, weird brain.

 

Parrot T-Shirt – Here’s a joke for you…

The quiet parrot.

To change things up for this post, regarding this rather awesome and witty Parrot T-Shirt design, I’ve decided to tell you a joke. Apologies if you already heard it, but I’ve heard it loads of times and it still makes me laugh.

So, this woman walks into a pet shop one day, and she’s taking a look around but nothing really appeals to her. The dogs, the cats, the rodents. None of them really seem right. As she’s walking out of the shop, she notices that the behind the counter is a beautiful parrot with bright plumage and shiny feathers. She walks up to the guy behind the counter and asks him how much the parrot costs.
“What, this one?” he says, indicating the bird in question “I don’t think you want this one, miss.”
“Why not?” she inquires.
“Well,” says the man “he’s a rescue. Normally that’s fine, but this one was rescued from a brothel. He’s picked up quite a few bad habits and his language is frankly disgusting. I’m going to have to spend quite a lot of time training it out of him before I sell him.”
After convincing the man behind the counter to let her buy the bird, assuring him that she’ll spend every day talking to him and training the bad language out of him, she heads home with her new pet.
He settles in fine and for a couple of hours says nothing at all. He’s very friendly and sweet, but doesn’t say a word. Then, there’s a knock at the door and the woman goes to answer it. It’s her mother who has popped round for tea. As soon as she walks into the room, the parrot starts screeching obscenities. F-ing this and S-ing that, turning the air blue. But after a minute of this he goes all quiet again. The woman’s mother is understandably shocked.
“It’s alright, mother,” the woman reassures her “he used to belong to a ghastly brothel but I’m re-educating him and I’ll get rid of all that foul language.”
With the mother reassured, the two sit down for tea.
A little while later, and there’s another knock at the door. In walks the vicar and the parrot starts off again. Lurid references and body parts, curses and swears. And again, after a minute, he goes all quite again.
The vicar is very flustered and the woman and her mother explain the whole story. The vicar tells her that it’s very charitable of her to attempt to bring this bird’s vocabulary back to an acceptable level.
A short while later, they hear a key in the lock of the front door. The woman’s husband has arrived home and she, her mother and the vicar look up at the parrot with dread. When the man walks into the room, they’re all staring intensely at the bird, who turns to see the husband walk into the room and then says
“Alright, Dave! I’ve not seen you since last tuesday!”

There you go. I bet the woman in that joke wishes her parrot had nothing to say, eh readers? Anyway, this beautiful t-shirt design comes to you from Tshirt-Factory.com. It’s just the design, which you can buy for £10.00 and print onto a tee yourself. See the site for more details on how to do that. And beware buying a parrot. Especially if you frequent brothels.

Captain Britain T-Shirt – Time to become Brian Braddock

If I’m going to fit into that costume, there’s work to be done. Lots of it.

One of my all time favourite comic book heroes, Captain Britain is a great character, and not just a UK clone of Captain America as many people think. So, to educate you, and to inspire myself a little, I’ve found a Captain Britain T-Shirt for you.

I first came across the character of Brian Braddock, aka Captain Britain in eXcalibur many years ago, as he was heading up the British/European version of the X-Men. He had a lot of the traditional superhero traits. He was tough, could lift 100 tons and fly, but he could also be a bit of a laugh – see his battle with The Juggernaut to witness a very British sense of humour. He’s Psylocke’s brother, he roomed with Spiderman at college, and was given some of his powers by Merlin (yes, that Merlin). He also had help from the writing of Alan Moore at one point which really developed his character and made him unique. That’s why I liked him – I could identify more with him than almost any other mutant or superhero. With all of that in mind, my best mate and I did once pledge to go to Comic Con dressed as Judge Dredd (him) and Captain Britain (me), and I’d like to be able to do that. Why can’t I? Well, I done got pretty fat over the last couple of years. I’ve got a bad diet and I ain’t exercising nearly as much as I should these days. All of that has to change. So I’m using the Captain Britain idea to inspire me a bit. By July, even if I don’t head to San Diego, I want to be able to pull on a costume like his and look good. That means eating greens and not much of anything else, going for a few runs and pumping some iron. That starts now. Watch this space, and feel free to shout a bit of encouragement at me.

So, to inspire me, I shall be grabbing a Captain Britain Tee. I found this one at superherohaven.com, but I’m going to have to wait because it’s out of stock everywhere I looked. This one comes in grey and is £17.99. Well, maybe when it comes back in stock, I’ll be able to order a large instead of an extra large. That’s the goal anyway.

 

Cheshire Cat T-Shirt – We’re All Mad Here…

Still curious and willing to learn.

Every now and again, I think of this particular character with great fondness, and so today, I have a Cheshire Cat T-Shirt for you. And an original one at that. Because we all tumble down the rabbit hole from time to time.

I remember being read Lewis Carroll’s books when I was a child, and the one character I always found the most amusing, interesting and appealing was the Cheshire Cat. It might even have something to do with why I like cats so much now. He’s interesting because he’s mad and he knows it. That should mean that he’s not mad at all, but he almost certainly is. Films have never quite captured his lucid delusions and indecipherable truths, but I think the Tim Burton film got the voice right – Stephen Fry’s soft, slightly lazy and uninterested tones were pretty much spot on. But the look wasn’t quite dark and terrifying enough for me. When you’re a kid, Carroll’s books have a real element of fear, but it’s the sort of fear that children genuinely enjoy, because you’re comfortable enough with the principle that good will win in the end and therefore you can enjoy all the scary stuff until that happens. When I was a child, the Cheshire Cat was not monstrous, or comical, but dark. He was teeth in the darkness and you got the sense that he really deserved his own book. How did he become? By far the most interesting of the characters in Alice in Wonderland, he didn’t get nearly enough attention. But then maybe that’s part of his mystery, and his madness.

This Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt gets the look almost spot-on in my mind. Brooding, slightly sinister, mad and yet, funny too – an excellent design. Alas, this tee is only for women so I won’t be wearing it myself. It comes from grindstore.com and costs £19.99, comes only in black and sizes range from small to XL. Enjoy the madness, whether you’re purring or growling.

 

Ministry Of Silly Walks T-Shirt – Yes, Mr Teabag.

May I see your silly walk?

For at least the third time on this blog, I’m looking at a Monty Python T-Shirt. I feel this is a good thing. Especially when this Ministry Of Silly Walks T-Shirt highlights one of the all-time classics of the show.

I was stood in the street the other day, outside work, having a cigarette and I began to people watch. It’s a naturally occurring phenomenon. Have people, will watch. Anyway, as I studied the humans that passed by, something struck me, figuratively speaking (no one threw anything at me is what I mean). I have an awesome gait. Seriously. People walk funny. I never thought of myself as particularly graceful, but looking at the rest of you, I realised that my strides are consistent and smooth, my footfalls light but firm, and my balance is exceptional. The rest of you all jolt and stomp and stumble around like you’re still getting used to shoes while I have the air of elegance about my strolling. I’m proud. But as long as I watched, I saw no really silly walks. I’d love to see you doing a John Cleese impression by flicking out your toes, twisting your knees and swivelling your hips, but you don’t. No wonder the Ministry of Silly Walks doesn’t get the funding it used to get. You lot wouldn’t even get a research fellowship at La Marche Futile! As for me, I’m lobbying parliament for a Ministry of Elegant Walks. I shall let you know if I get anywhere with that one.

This John Cleese T-Shirt is available from Notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by the talented lot at Layer Eight, it comes in grey or blue, with sizes going from small to XXL. All of that for just £25. A price by the way which is now equal to the paltry weekly allowance offered by the MoSW. Stupid government cuts…

 

Gorilla T-Shirt – You’ll go ape!

Great illustration meets great ape.

I swear it wasn’t too long ago that I was indulging my primate tee habit, but then I found this awesome and incredible Gorilla T-Shirt. And then I thought, well, you can never have too many monkeys/apes/primates, right? Right.

I love stumbling across a site I haven’t seen before that just happens to contain a wealth of wonderful t-shirts. I spotted thebearhug.com and spent plenty of time browsing through their wide range of wonders – lots of funny and lots of cool. I love the look and though there’s a style that the creators have obviously stayed true to, they have also created a varied portfolio and that’s a great way to establish a strong brand. Be recognisable, but never the same. It really works. It’s why the ‘difficult third album’ exists in music, and why artists are always reinventing themselves. To always be new isn’t easy. Thankfully this is a very new Gorilla to me and even with the styling you can see the knowing, understanding and depth that these amazing creatures have. There but for the grace of God and/or evolution go I. Our closest relative has provided us with amazing experiences and images over the years and this tee is a very well done interpretation of that incredible face. Oh, and if you’re as fond of these apes as I am, you can help protect the few gorillas that we have left by donating a little something, which you can do by clicking on this link.

Back to this Go-Rilla T-Shirt (that’s what they called it). It’ll cost you just £18.00, sizes go from Small to XL and it comes in black. I love the illustration and it’s definitely going into the basket. Ook.

Slayer T-Shirt – My blood sucks.

From the lacerated skies.

I had a blood test today, and I wanted to find a tee that had something to do with that because, well, why not. While searching for ‘blood t-shirts’ (as you do), I came across this Slayer T-Shirt and that reminded me of a great album, and I forgot the blood test. Which was nice.

I may have mentioned this before on this blog, but I’ll reiterate for you now: my blood does not flow, but instead it oozes and seeps. It’s sluggish and thick, very dark and sticky. This is of little consequence from day-to-day, but when I have to take a blood test (about three/four times a year) it makes things difficult. The record is being stuck four times with a needle and nothing coming out. That was not my best day ever. But today, we had a little breakthrough – a hot poultice was wrapped around my fist, and the nurse drew blood from the back of my hand. It flowed so easily and quickly, and no bruising like you get in the elbow. So, if you’re like me, get them to take it out of your hand – a time and pain-saver if ever there was one. I saw this tee and actually thought, I wish I was raining blood. The song, Raining Blood, is awesome and moody and thrashy in the way that only Slayer can do, but rather than get stabbed by needles, it would be nice if I had some sort of sprinkler system that I could turn on and the nurses could just catch the blood in beakers. Would make my life so much easier, and it would make dressing for Halloween a real no-brainer. Also, I’m currently listening to Reign In Blood and I’d forgotten how good an album it is. There you go: a tenuous link between a good album and what I did today – that’s why t-shirts are awesome.

So, become an Angel of Death yourself by draping yourself in this Reign In Blood T-Shirt. It comes from Sugarbullets.co.uk where it costs £19.99, comes in S, M and XL and of course, it’s black. I don’t think you can get a Slayer tee that isn’t black. And that’s how it should be.

Normal T-Shirt – I really do sometimes.

There’s no such thing as normal. Well, that’s what the voices tell me.

 

For your consideration is this Normal T-Shirt. I have always been of the opinion that there is no such thing as the concept of ‘normal’ but every now and again, I’m reminded that that I’m pretty ab-no-such-thing-as-normal. For many reasons. Let’s go through them.

Here’s 10 to get you started:

1. I don’t like steak. I’m a red-blooded, non-vegetarian meat-lover. But still, I find steak boring, bland and unimaginative.

2. I don’t believe in ghosts but I’m convinced I saw one once. It was weird and it creeped me the hell out.

3. I have something verging on a superstition about not being superstitious.

4. I’m a half-Scottish Cockney, and yet I have a classically posh English accent.

5. I enjoy ironing. I find it very therapeutic.

6. I occasionally daydream about being a superhero. I’m almost 30.

7. I have four drawers full of t-shirts and yet I don’t think I have enough.

8. I have developed a system of street golf involving my cigarette butts and gutters.

9. My residual self image would be either the Blob or the Hulk on any given day.

10. I own a ridiculously expensive pair of cowboy boots that I never wear.

There. And that’s just for starters. That’s the PG stuff. I’m not even going to start on the really freaky stuff – you’d probably have nightmares for a week! Now, I reckon we could all get a list like that down on paper – we all have our idiosyncrasies. Maybe, have a think about it. We’re all weird. But I maintain I’m more weird than most. And the face in my window whispers confirmation of that in the middle of the night sometimes.

Anyway, you can get your own Sometimes I Pretend T-Shirt at Notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by Otto’s Day, costs £24.00, comes in four colours and sizes range from Small to XL. And with that, I shall see you normals later.