Orang Utan T-Shirt – How can you not love that face?

Fact: The name Orang Utan means ‘Person of the Forest’

I’ve always avoided the big animal-face t-shirts on principle. The design is a little lazy, and I always thought they were for those obsessive dog-lovers who can’t stop talking about their pooch. Then I found this Orang Utan T-Shirt and, for the first time, I really want one. Here’s why:

I’m sure I’ve talked before here about my love for Orang Utans, but I’m more than happy to wax lyrical about my favourite apes once more. Those persons of the forest from the genus Pongo are just so awesome. Despite having the strength to rip a man’s arms from their sockets, and a bite strong enough to crunch bone, they are stoic, peaceful creatures at heart (by and large) who rarely raise a hand to anything (unless it really pisses them off). As well as being gentle in that respect, they are also, due to their incredible motor skills and dexterity, gentle when it comes to their quiet examination of the world around them. They are clever, peaceful and amazing animals and we, as humans, should be very proud to call them our cousins. In fact, before you do anything else, why not pledge a bit of cash to help save their endangered habitats by checking out this website right here. I suppose I’m also drawn to these great apes due to the fact that I really do resemble one myself. On the physical side, I have reddish hair, a big mouth, unnaturally strong limbs and a bit of a belly. In terms of temperament, I rarely use my strength, and I prefer a quiet existence of isolation, looking down on the ever-changing world around me (well, I’ve learnt that this is my best option). Oh, to be an Orang Utan.

To buy this Animal Face T-Shirt featuring the outlandishly handsome Orang Utan, I suggest you get yourself over to Firebox.com where this specimen will set you back just £19.99. It comes in sizes small to XL, and comes in brown. Ook.

 

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Seagull T-Shirt – Britain’s top predator.

Forget sharks – this is why I avoid the beach.

The seagull, though it might look like an uninteresting bird, is possibly the most cunning and evil avian incarnation on (or above) Earth. I shall elaborate below as you enjoy the looks of this lovely Seagull T-Shirt.

Though there is technically no such thing as a seagull (there are lots of different gulls – none of which are called ‘seagulls’) their reality is a stark and chilling indictment of the dangerous nature of birds. Now, I like birds, as a rule. I have no quarrels with quails nor any bad blood with blackbirds. But Seagulls are nasty bits of work. Their greatest crime? Chip stealing. Yes, these bully-boys with beaks that frequent British seaside towns will pinch the chips right off your plate as you try to enjoy the sunshine. And when you look to take them on – to reclaim your chip – you see the evil little eyes filled with hatred for humanity, and the yellow, knife-like beak that protrudes from their so-called faces, and think better of it. Yes, other countries may have bears, lions, koalas or any other big predator, but we have these things. An Englishman’s chip is sacred, and these feathered fiends defile the sanctity of the fried potato with such regularity that we ought to fear them. I do. Therefore, I haven’t been to the beach in England in about five years. I don’t miss it (though, admittedly, seagulls are the least of the reasons why I don’t miss English seaside towns).

Enough of my anti-avian ramblings. This Gull T-Shirt is brought to you by the talented folks at Mild West Heroes. It was created by the very talented Michelle Barker and I discovered it on notonthehighstreet.com. It costs £19, sizes range from small to XL and comes in blue. You go take a look, and I shall continue my research onto anti-seagull chip-protection systems.

 

Moon And Cat T-Shirt – A story worth reading.

“I am the cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.”

This week, I reread a story that I’d not thought about in a long time. It was from Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories. It’s called ‘The Cat Who Walked By Himself’ and so, fittingly, I’ve decided to look at this Moon and Cat T-Shirt.

I’ve looked at plenty of cat t-shirts already since this blog began, but this was rather a fetching one and it deserved a place. It’s also very apt that I should discover it this week. The Cat Who Walked By Himself was always a story I loved. If you’ve not read the Just So collection of stories, I do recommend it. It’s a fantastic work of fiction, for children and adults alike, and one of Kipling’s finest literary moments. There are stories about how the Rhinoceros got his skin and how the camel got his hump and lots of other intelligent, charming and often funny short tales that are well worth a flick through. But the one that always stood out for me, was this one. The cat is clever and cunning, proud and unique. He tricks humans so easily and does everything right, though he never wins. He never gets the real prize. Small perks and wins, yes, but he is still denied peace and love. He walks alone. Always. And everywhere he goes, the same problems haunt him, for all are alike to him. I imagine Kipling staring long into the eyes of a cat, back in the days when they were not considered house pets (when he wrote this, cats traditionally would never be allowed into houses – certainly not at night, unless there was a mice problem – they lived outdoors) and saw beyond the brooding mass of wonderfully evil intelligence that is so obvious in our feline friends. He saw the entity that it was – alone, in the darkness, and without love. Beastly, yet fragile.

This Cat T-shirt comes to you from Spreadshirt.com where it costs $27.49. It was designed by Fat Cat Shirts & Cat Lover Gifts, comes in four colours and sizes range from S to XXL. One can only be thankful that cats were let in from the cold.

 

Banana-Saurus Rex T-Shirt – Jurassic Pun.

Other edible dinos include the Jello-Dactyl, Egg-Asaurus and Tri-Celery-Tops.

Dinosaurs and puns are two of my favourite subjects, and this Banana-Saurus Rex T-Shirt combines both. The only problem is adding the fruit and vegetables, which are two of my least favourite things. Blurgh. 

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with dinosaurs. Fascinated to the point of being a bit of an expert and decidedly destined to grow into a palaeontologist. Somehow, along the way, that dream died, or at least was replaced with various other dreams as I hit my teens – none of which are probably appropriate for this blog. Then, when I grew older, I invented this fun game. When you’re walking down a road or in the country, just imagine, at any given point in your strolling or meandering, that you are suddenly confronted by a T-Rex, say 50 metres/yards in front of you. What would you do? Should you stand still, hope it goes for someone else, run, or hide? Can you scramble up that bank, break into that house, dive down that path or alleyway? What is your best option for survival? And when you’re done with that, you can then try it with something like a lion or tiger or whatever (presents slightly different challenges). Trust me, I know it sounds silly, but it’s oddly addictive and it can really break up long walks. So, that’s the dino aspect of this tee covered – now for the fruit. I distrust fruit. And vegetables. There’s something sinister about them. Ok, people claim they’re all about distributing seeds, but I’m not buying it. I think it’s a secret plot by the plants to overthrow us somehow. I haven’t worked out the exact details yet, but if I don’t, there’s a chance we’ll realise only too late how evil they are…

Anyway, this splendid Dinosaur T-Shirt was found on Uncovet.com where it costs $25.00. It is available in brown, and sizes range from small to XXL, so whether you’re a raptor or a rex, you’ll be able to get the right size. As for all the punning, long may it continue. Pun on, gentlepeople, pun on.

 

Unicorns T-Shirt – Horny Horses

I should meet this Nobody Ever. He’s said a lot of stupid stuff.

Ah, Unicorns. Everyone’s favourite mythological horse (sorry, Pegasus fans, you’re out). This funny Unicorns T-Shirt made me giggle, but then it made me think. I’m not sure these creatures are as cool as everyone makes them out to be.

If you’ve ever ridden a horse, you’ll know that at any given time, it’s about a split-second from going completely mental. God forbid you’re riding one when it goes nuts, because when it goes nuts, it goes full on macadamias. Bucking, kicking, bolting… Now imagine that it had a massive spike growing out of its face. Not so cute now, is it? You’ve basically weaponised crazy. And I’ve got this covered whether you’re a creationist or an evolutionist. If they existed (I know they didn’t, but let’s hypothesise), either Noah didn’t want one on the ark because it would either puncture the boat or kill everything else on it, or natural selection made the equine propensity for nuzzling their downfall. It’s a flawed design. Unless you actually want to kill someone, in which case just trot one of these towards them, then throw a mouse on its back and watch the show. But, it’s because of this that I think Unicorns are awesome. Certainly not lame, and therefore, the T-Shirt is correct.

This tee was found on Fab.com and was brought to you by Skip N’ Whistle. It’s reduced to $19 (down from $25) at the time of writing, but the only size left is XL. And it comes in black. So saddle up your horned steed, jump on board, probably die within ten minutes from horn-related injuries, get reincarnated and go buy this t-shirt. Sorted.

 

Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt – Getting Lost

I’m Late! I’m Late! I’m Late!

A little while ago, you’ll remember that I looked at a Cheshire Cat shirt, which got me thinking about the whole Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass thing. And some minor gripes I have with it. As I ramble on about that for a while, here’s an Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt for you to enjoy.

Do you know what I’d do if I saw a fully-clothed, talking rabbit run down into its hole? I’d go home, build a cage, catch the little sod the next day and make millions in the show business world. The last thing I would do, even if I were small enough to do so, is scramble down the rabbit hole after him. That’s just idiotic. Alice got what she deserved as far as I’m concerned. I enjoyed these books when I read them many years ago, but I always had a few questions regarding certain aspects of the plot. Enough of it weirded me out that by the time I got to the caterpillar, I’d have bought half an ounce off him and just got stoned. Who wants to run around in that nightmare? It would have made the Mad Hatter’s tea party a darn sight more bearable too. As for my aforementioned favourite character, the Cheshire Cat, he seems like the most normal person in Wonderland. …I jest of course, but despite how much I enjoy these books, I still like to think that I might have done one or two things differently to Alice. And I’d probably have never left – why would you? All the oysters, tea, caterpillar dope, drunk mice and talking cats you could ever want. I still think I’d have caught that damn rabbit though.

I discovered this delightful ladies Wonderland T-Shirt at notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by Not For Ponies, costs £25, comes in grey with sizes ranging from small to large. So, ladies, if you’re a fan of the Alice books, this should be the perfect tee for you. Enjoy!

 

Cheshire Cat T-Shirt – We’re All Mad Here…

Still curious and willing to learn.

Every now and again, I think of this particular character with great fondness, and so today, I have a Cheshire Cat T-Shirt for you. And an original one at that. Because we all tumble down the rabbit hole from time to time.

I remember being read Lewis Carroll’s books when I was a child, and the one character I always found the most amusing, interesting and appealing was the Cheshire Cat. It might even have something to do with why I like cats so much now. He’s interesting because he’s mad and he knows it. That should mean that he’s not mad at all, but he almost certainly is. Films have never quite captured his lucid delusions and indecipherable truths, but I think the Tim Burton film got the voice right – Stephen Fry’s soft, slightly lazy and uninterested tones were pretty much spot on. But the look wasn’t quite dark and terrifying enough for me. When you’re a kid, Carroll’s books have a real element of fear, but it’s the sort of fear that children genuinely enjoy, because you’re comfortable enough with the principle that good will win in the end and therefore you can enjoy all the scary stuff until that happens. When I was a child, the Cheshire Cat was not monstrous, or comical, but dark. He was teeth in the darkness and you got the sense that he really deserved his own book. How did he become? By far the most interesting of the characters in Alice in Wonderland, he didn’t get nearly enough attention. But then maybe that’s part of his mystery, and his madness.

This Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt gets the look almost spot-on in my mind. Brooding, slightly sinister, mad and yet, funny too – an excellent design. Alas, this tee is only for women so I won’t be wearing it myself. It comes from grindstore.com and costs £19.99, comes only in black and sizes range from small to XL. Enjoy the madness, whether you’re purring or growling.

 

Gorilla T-Shirt – You’ll go ape!

Great illustration meets great ape.

I swear it wasn’t too long ago that I was indulging my primate tee habit, but then I found this awesome and incredible Gorilla T-Shirt. And then I thought, well, you can never have too many monkeys/apes/primates, right? Right.

I love stumbling across a site I haven’t seen before that just happens to contain a wealth of wonderful t-shirts. I spotted thebearhug.com and spent plenty of time browsing through their wide range of wonders – lots of funny and lots of cool. I love the look and though there’s a style that the creators have obviously stayed true to, they have also created a varied portfolio and that’s a great way to establish a strong brand. Be recognisable, but never the same. It really works. It’s why the ‘difficult third album’ exists in music, and why artists are always reinventing themselves. To always be new isn’t easy. Thankfully this is a very new Gorilla to me and even with the styling you can see the knowing, understanding and depth that these amazing creatures have. There but for the grace of God and/or evolution go I. Our closest relative has provided us with amazing experiences and images over the years and this tee is a very well done interpretation of that incredible face. Oh, and if you’re as fond of these apes as I am, you can help protect the few gorillas that we have left by donating a little something, which you can do by clicking on this link.

Back to this Go-Rilla T-Shirt (that’s what they called it). It’ll cost you just £18.00, sizes go from Small to XL and it comes in black. I love the illustration and it’s definitely going into the basket. Ook.

Hello Kitty T-Shirt – Goodbye Nicola!

ハローキティ – That’s Hello Kitty in Japanese (apparently)

So, my friend and colleague Nicola is heading off to pastures new, and she couldn’t be going any further away. She’s going to Japan. This is her last week of work and in a month, she’ll be off to the land of the rising sun. As she’s a massive fan, here’s a Hello Kitty T-Shirt that I think she’d like.

Long ago, I was going to head off to Japan to teach English but everything fell through and I ended up in a comfortable job in London. Which was fine, but I do regret not following up with it some times. Well, Nicola, who has been a friend and workmate for a couple of years or more now, is heading off to a land where they make houses out of paper, pizza delivery prices are extortionate and Godzillas roam freely across the landscape. She’s done her homework and learned japanese (well, she can count to 10), and she’s the sort of person who suits the craziness that happens in Japan. Often she’ll be the first person to find the cool, new stuff in London. She’ll tell us about pubs where everything is made of cheese, or pop-up bars that you can only find if you can decode a message in latin or morse code. We’ll miss that and will have to get round to our own exploring. And, she loves Hello Kitty. She’s moderately obsessed with it really, and that’s why this is a fitting t-shirt for her. Perhaps, as she sits on the costa del Tokyo, sipping warm saki from a dirty glass, watching the Mothras mate in the fading evening light, she’ll remember her friends back in London, toiling away and eating sub-par sushi.

If you also happen to be a big fan of Hello Kitty, you can get this tee at Welovefine.com where it costs $25. It comes in blue or white, and sizes range from small to XXL. And it’s guaranteed to repel 99% of Godzilla attacks (not really).

 

Satanic Cat T-Shirt – I knew the devil.

Hell-o Kitty. *groans*

Let me tell you a tale – the tale of my first cat, whose name was Una. When I saw this Satanic Cat T-Shirt, it immediately made me think of her. Her dark legend lives on, in my memories and my nightmares. She’s also why I love cats. That sounds weird doesn’t it?

When I was born, Una was already a year old. Her mother, Lily, had been the sweetest cat in the world according to my parents. Friendly and loveable. Unfortunately she was hit by a car before I was born and she died, but not before Una had been born. Una got hit by a car too. The car came off worse. Una lived. By all accounts, my parents didn’t choose Una, she chose them. When she was a kitten, rather than sleep with the rest of the litter, she slept in my parents’ bed. When they gave the litter away and kept one kitten for themselves, they didn’t really have a choice. From then on, her reign of terror began. As an inquisitive toddler, I was fascinated by the cat, despite the fact that every time I touched her she unleashed a whirlwind of claws and teeth on my. For years, I thought that garden animals just went to sleep on the door mat, not understanding that each night she would slink off into the darkness and destroy anything that squeaked. Other cats were terrified of her. In fact, all animals were. She once got into the neighbours’ rabbit hutch and the neighbours thought there was a fox in the vicinity. Only I knew the truth. I’d found her in the morning, happily washing rabbit blood off her fur. She sent a Labrador to the vet’s once after she attached herself to its nose. We never had rat or mice problems on our road growing up. And the weirdest thing is, she never died. She simply disappeared one day. No-one could work out where she’d gone (by the end of her life there was no way she could get out of the garden, but she wasn’t there). I’m convinced that Satan called her back to hell to lead his armies. But despite all of her sins, my mother always thought of her as the little kitten who was all cuteness and charm. And that’s why I love cats. For all their sins, we still think they’re beautiful and cuddly. Cunning.

So, it’s perfectly logical to associate cats with satan, and this Evil Cat T-Shirt does that excellently. It’s simple, but it works, and you can get your own at Burgerandfriends.com (t’s a flash site so click on ‘tees’ and scroll down. It comes in black, costs $30.00 and sizes range from small to XL in both men’s and women’s fits. And finally, a picture that sums up all cats, and the way their minds work. Meow.