Unicorns T-Shirt – Horny Horses

April 30, 2013 § Leave a comment

Unicorns T-Shirt

I should meet this Nobody Ever. He’s said a lot of stupid stuff.

Ah, Unicorns. Everyone’s favourite mythological horse (sorry, Pegasus fans, you’re out). This funny Unicorns T-Shirt made me giggle, but then it made me think. I’m not sure these creatures are as cool as everyone makes them out to be.

If you’ve ever ridden a horse, you’ll know that at any given time, it’s about a split-second from going completely mental. God forbid you’re riding one when it goes nuts, because when it goes nuts, it goes full on macadamias. Bucking, kicking, bolting… Now imagine that it had a massive spike growing out of its face. Not so cute now, is it? You’ve basically weaponised crazy. And I’ve got this covered whether you’re a creationist or an evolutionist. If they existed (I know they didn’t, but let’s hypothesise), either Noah didn’t want one on the ark because it would either puncture the boat or kill everything else on it, or natural selection made the equine propensity for nuzzling their downfall. It’s a flawed design. Unless you actually want to kill someone, in which case just trot one of these towards them, then throw a mouse on its back and watch the show. But, it’s because of this that I think Unicorns are awesome. Certainly not lame, and therefore, the T-Shirt is correct.

This tee was found on Fab.com and was brought to you by Skip N’ Whistle. It’s reduced to $19 (down from $25) at the time of writing, but the only size left is XL. And it comes in black. So saddle up your horned steed, jump on board, probably die within ten minutes from horn-related injuries, get reincarnated and go buy this t-shirt. Sorted.

 

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Tokyo T-Shirt – This is Godzilla’s Country

April 10, 2013 § Leave a comment

Godzilla T-Shirt

Gojira! Gojira!

For someone who pretty much hates the lazy design that goes into the ‘I heart (insert whatever here)’ t-shirts, this Tokyo T-Shirt is a clever and amusing alternative. And who doesn’t love Godzilla?

So, you may remember that a while back, I looked at a Hello Kitty shirt in tribute to my friend Nicola heading over to Japan to go and teach English for a year. Well, now she’s there, and she started a blog, so I’m totally plugging said blog for her because I reckon it’s going to be pretty interesting, especially if you ever wondered what it’s like to head off to a foreign land and go live and work there. She tells me that Tokyo is awesome and completely mental and that’s just making me even more jealous of her being out there. But then, I don’t have to deal with Godzilla or Mothra, and therefore, in those stakes, I’m up. So, this blog of Nicola’s can be found at JapanMeInTheFace.wordpress.com (the name should give you some indication of Nicola’s sense of humour) and I look forward to reading lots of interesting things on there over the coming weeks and months. She’s the sort of person who will discover amazing places where the furniture is made out of rice and all the food is in haiku-form so it should be a good read.

As for this delightful Godzilla T-Shirt, you can find it at drasticplasticrecords.com where it’s available for the very reasonable price of $14.98. It comes in black, and sizes range from S to XXL. I believe Godzilla takes a size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL, but if that’s required, I’m sure you can contact the manufacturer and request one specially – though there may be a slight increase in price.

Face Hugger T-Shirt – Parasitic benefits

April 2, 2013 § Leave a comment

Alien T-Shirt

How can you resist that darling little thing?

 

One of the most iconic and cringeworthy moments in all of horror came from something with the name “Face Hugger”. Ok, so it’s a slimy, arachnoid alien that takes over your body by mouth-raping you with its insides as it chokes you with its tail, but this Face Hugger T-Shirt could teach me some lessons.

What could I possibly learn from the face hugger? Well, dieting tips for one thing. As it’s clasped onto your ‘boat’ (that’s cockney-rhyming-slang for face for the uneducated amongst you – face=boat race=boat) it’s feeding you and keeping you alive. Just as people used to swallow a single male tape worm in a pill to lose weight (no, they actually did), I wouldn’t mind spending a bit of time with a face hugger. Obviously, the whole thing about it laying an egg in your chest that ends up killing you would not be ideal, but scientists have been messing with the dna of insects for years so hopefully it wouldn’t be too hard to make it sterile. Therefore, it just clamps onto your face, controls your eating habits for a set period of time, and then it falls off. Done. As it is, with out the aid of fictional (or so they say) alien parasites, my diet is not going so well. I’m having weekends off, and seeing as that was just a four day weekend, I’m still pretty stuffed. With fat and self-loathing. So, the sooner we can create a sterile larval alien, the better. Either that, or I go for another run this evening. Whatever’s easiest, I guess.

You can get this Alien T-Shirt from Fivefingertees.com where it costs just $7.99. It comes in both men’s and women’s styles with lots of sizes and colours to choose from. And hugging is good for everybody. Human contact is healthy. If only I were healthy…

You Are Not Alone T-Shirt – They’re out there…

March 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

alien t-shirt

What would be the logistical problems of an alien dating agency?

Well, I had a boring weekend and that’s not a good thing. Partly because it’s antisocial, but also because it gives my brain a chance to do some heavy thinking. Sunday evening ended with the conclusion that I need to date an alien. Ergo, this You Are Not Alone T-Shirt is perfectly apt.

Now, before you think I’ve strolled down the route of the uber-nerd who fantasises about the three-breasted Martian hooker, I should say that I haven’t. I mean, sure, just after watching Total Recall for the first time when I was like 15, yeah I thought about it but that’s not the point. Anyway, so, I was thinking about what happens when (alright, ‘if’) we make contact with other species from across the universe. This means that there will be new dating opportunities (after the initial ‘honestly, we’re not trying to kill you’ period) and whoever gets in on the ground floor first could make a mint. There would be problems of course. Coding so that something works on a PC and a Mac is hard enough without introducing alien technology to the equation – though I bet someone at Microsoft or Apple is working on that already. But once it’s up and running, given the amount of lonely people on Earth, the aliens would probably have a similar issues. This is all predicated on there being some level of mutual sexual attraction between us and them but if Sci-Fi has taught me anything, there are lots of attractive females among the Stars. Ok, so Captain Kirk already had most of them, but I’m sure there’re plenty left. And for those of us (and I’m including myself in this statement) that are a bit on the lonely and frustrated side of things at the moment, this could be a great opportunity. Who knows – perhaps being fat and shy are the most important things to a woman from across the galaxy. One can only hope.

So, as I work out how to set up a social/dating site using the coloured lights from Close Encounters, I shall leave you with this rather good Alien T-Shirt design. It’s another one that you’ll need to print onto a tee yourself, but it looks great and will set you back just $10.00 from Tshirt-factory.com. Also, note the alien giving the middle finger. That’s cool though, as this one totally doesn’t do it for me.

P.S. Upon reading the above article I note all (and there are a few) the problems with my brain and promise to try and not have another quiet weekend ever again, and to stick to more conventional methods to find a girlfriend that don’t involve inter-stellar travel, hitchhikers guides or telescopes (especially not telescopes). Apologies for my weird, weird brain.

 

Cheshire Cat T-Shirt – We’re All Mad Here…

March 18, 2013 § 1 Comment

Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt

Still curious and willing to learn.

Every now and again, I think of this particular character with great fondness, and so today, I have a Cheshire Cat T-Shirt for you. And an original one at that. Because we all tumble down the rabbit hole from time to time.

I remember being read Lewis Carroll’s books when I was a child, and the one character I always found the most amusing, interesting and appealing was the Cheshire Cat. It might even have something to do with why I like cats so much now. He’s interesting because he’s mad and he knows it. That should mean that he’s not mad at all, but he almost certainly is. Films have never quite captured his lucid delusions and indecipherable truths, but I think the Tim Burton film got the voice right – Stephen Fry’s soft, slightly lazy and uninterested tones were pretty much spot on. But the look wasn’t quite dark and terrifying enough for me. When you’re a kid, Carroll’s books have a real element of fear, but it’s the sort of fear that children genuinely enjoy, because you’re comfortable enough with the principle that good will win in the end and therefore you can enjoy all the scary stuff until that happens. When I was a child, the Cheshire Cat was not monstrous, or comical, but dark. He was teeth in the darkness and you got the sense that he really deserved his own book. How did he become? By far the most interesting of the characters in Alice in Wonderland, he didn’t get nearly enough attention. But then maybe that’s part of his mystery, and his madness.

This Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt gets the look almost spot-on in my mind. Brooding, slightly sinister, mad and yet, funny too – an excellent design. Alas, this tee is only for women so I won’t be wearing it myself. It comes from grindstore.com and costs £19.99, comes only in black and sizes range from small to XL. Enjoy the madness, whether you’re purring or growling.

 

Gorilla T-Shirt – You’ll go ape!

March 12, 2013 § Leave a comment

Gorilla T-Shirt

Great illustration meets great ape.

I swear it wasn’t too long ago that I was indulging my primate tee habit, but then I found this awesome and incredible Gorilla T-Shirt. And then I thought, well, you can never have too many monkeys/apes/primates, right? Right.

I love stumbling across a site I haven’t seen before that just happens to contain a wealth of wonderful t-shirts. I spotted thebearhug.com and spent plenty of time browsing through their wide range of wonders – lots of funny and lots of cool. I love the look and though there’s a style that the creators have obviously stayed true to, they have also created a varied portfolio and that’s a great way to establish a strong brand. Be recognisable, but never the same. It really works. It’s why the ‘difficult third album’ exists in music, and why artists are always reinventing themselves. To always be new isn’t easy. Thankfully this is a very new Gorilla to me and even with the styling you can see the knowing, understanding and depth that these amazing creatures have. There but for the grace of God and/or evolution go I. Our closest relative has provided us with amazing experiences and images over the years and this tee is a very well done interpretation of that incredible face. Oh, and if you’re as fond of these apes as I am, you can help protect the few gorillas that we have left by donating a little something, which you can do by clicking on this link.

Back to this Go-Rilla T-Shirt (that’s what they called it). It’ll cost you just £18.00, sizes go from Small to XL and it comes in black. I love the illustration and it’s definitely going into the basket. Ook.

Slayer T-Shirt – My blood sucks.

March 11, 2013 § Leave a comment

Reign In Blood T-Shirt

From the lacerated skies.

I had a blood test today, and I wanted to find a tee that had something to do with that because, well, why not. While searching for ‘blood t-shirts’ (as you do), I came across this Slayer T-Shirt and that reminded me of a great album, and I forgot the blood test. Which was nice.

I may have mentioned this before on this blog, but I’ll reiterate for you now: my blood does not flow, but instead it oozes and seeps. It’s sluggish and thick, very dark and sticky. This is of little consequence from day-to-day, but when I have to take a blood test (about three/four times a year) it makes things difficult. The record is being stuck four times with a needle and nothing coming out. That was not my best day ever. But today, we had a little breakthrough – a hot poultice was wrapped around my fist, and the nurse drew blood from the back of my hand. It flowed so easily and quickly, and no bruising like you get in the elbow. So, if you’re like me, get them to take it out of your hand – a time and pain-saver if ever there was one. I saw this tee and actually thought, I wish I was raining blood. The song, Raining Blood, is awesome and moody and thrashy in the way that only Slayer can do, but rather than get stabbed by needles, it would be nice if I had some sort of sprinkler system that I could turn on and the nurses could just catch the blood in beakers. Would make my life so much easier, and it would make dressing for Halloween a real no-brainer. Also, I’m currently listening to Reign In Blood and I’d forgotten how good an album it is. There you go: a tenuous link between a good album and what I did today – that’s why t-shirts are awesome.

So, become an Angel of Death yourself by draping yourself in this Reign In Blood T-Shirt. It comes from Sugarbullets.co.uk where it costs £19.99, comes in S, M and XL and of course, it’s black. I don’t think you can get a Slayer tee that isn’t black. And that’s how it should be.

Asteroids T-Shirt – Topical and terrifying.

February 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

atari t-shirt

Who thought a game about shooting rocks could be that addictive?

 

Ever wonder about a giant radioactive lump of ice, metal and rock slamming into the earth and wiping us out in a grim homage to the extinction of the dinosaurs? Are you a retro-gamer who believes that the Sega Master System is just a bit too modern? Then have I found the Asteroids T-Shirt for you.

Last week, space was providing us with lots of news. Most notably, an asteroid had a pretty near miss with the Earth, and another set a town in Russia on fire. We seem to be entering a time of increased space rock activity (either that or rolling-news channels are using them as a new way of scare mongering) which is fun if you’re an astronomer, but a bit terrifying for all the ‘fraidy-cats out there. Later in the year, a particularly big one will be as bright as the moon as it passes very close to us. Let’s just hope some evil scientist doesn’t figure out a way to make it hit us. If an asteroid is big enough, and breaks its orbit around the sun and becomes a meteor, and smashes into Earth as a meteorite, we’ll end up dying under sulphurous, radioactive ash clouds. That’s not due to happen (apparently), but if it does, anyone who’s a fan of the old arcade/Atari game Asteroids will be able to help. Give them a space ship and watch them spin around, blasting the meteor into smaller and smaller chunks until it is gone entirely. Or, if you give me a space ship, I’ll spin around missing everything before flying side-first into a rock. When the day comes, we’ll owe Atari our lives.

You can get this Atari T-Shirt at Gamerabilia.co.uk where it costs  £16.99. It comes in black and sizes range from small to XXL. It should also be noted that I know how to destroy an invading alien space fleet, provided that they move in a very regular, progressively descending way.

Satanic Cat T-Shirt – I knew the devil.

February 19, 2013 § Leave a comment

Evil Cat T-Shirt

Hell-o Kitty. *groans*

Let me tell you a tale – the tale of my first cat, whose name was Una. When I saw this Satanic Cat T-Shirt, it immediately made me think of her. Her dark legend lives on, in my memories and my nightmares. She’s also why I love cats. That sounds weird doesn’t it?

When I was born, Una was already a year old. Her mother, Lily, had been the sweetest cat in the world according to my parents. Friendly and loveable. Unfortunately she was hit by a car before I was born and she died, but not before Una had been born. Una got hit by a car too. The car came off worse. Una lived. By all accounts, my parents didn’t choose Una, she chose them. When she was a kitten, rather than sleep with the rest of the litter, she slept in my parents’ bed. When they gave the litter away and kept one kitten for themselves, they didn’t really have a choice. From then on, her reign of terror began. As an inquisitive toddler, I was fascinated by the cat, despite the fact that every time I touched her she unleashed a whirlwind of claws and teeth on my. For years, I thought that garden animals just went to sleep on the door mat, not understanding that each night she would slink off into the darkness and destroy anything that squeaked. Other cats were terrified of her. In fact, all animals were. She once got into the neighbours’ rabbit hutch and the neighbours thought there was a fox in the vicinity. Only I knew the truth. I’d found her in the morning, happily washing rabbit blood off her fur. She sent a Labrador to the vet’s once after she attached herself to its nose. We never had rat or mice problems on our road growing up. And the weirdest thing is, she never died. She simply disappeared one day. No-one could work out where she’d gone (by the end of her life there was no way she could get out of the garden, but she wasn’t there). I’m convinced that Satan called her back to hell to lead his armies. But despite all of her sins, my mother always thought of her as the little kitten who was all cuteness and charm. And that’s why I love cats. For all their sins, we still think they’re beautiful and cuddly. Cunning.

So, it’s perfectly logical to associate cats with satan, and this Evil Cat T-Shirt does that excellently. It’s simple, but it works, and you can get your own at Burgerandfriends.com (t’s a flash site so click on ‘tees’ and scroll down. It comes in black, costs $30.00 and sizes range from small to XL in both men’s and women’s fits. And finally, a picture that sums up all cats, and the way their minds work. Meow.

 

Don’t Worry T-Shirt – Eyes in the darkness.

February 4, 2013 § Leave a comment

Eyes T-Shirt

Some nights, sleep just doesn’t come.

Insomnia isn’t fun. At best, it’s staring into the darkness. At worst, it’s letting all of your nightmares play out in your consciousness. This Don’t Worry T-Shirt actually has something to do with a film (that I’ve not seen), but it’s pretty good at summing me up right now. Just a pair of eyes in the night.

Everyone has something to worry about. No one escapes anxiety. Some brush it off and suffer other misfortunes in their character instead. Some logically attack the problems and suffer the pain bluntly. Others crack. Me? I just lose the ability to sleep. It’s been a while since I had a serious bout of it. Now i’m in the middle of one. Won’t go into the problems here – time and a place, I guess. But the effects result in me, lying in bed all night, staring out into the fathomless darkness above me. Staring into all the horrors my mind can conjure up and being paralysed by fear and exhaustion. If I get two hours of sleep a night at the moment, I’m doing well. And even that sleep is broken, light and full of nightmares. This will all pass when I get some wins under my belt, but at the moment, I don’t see where those will be coming from. They will. Time provides the answers somehow. Even if there are darker things to come, there will be light again. It is the way of things. But for now, and fro the time being, it will be my eyes staring out into the night, living all my fears and worries. Night after night after night…

You can get this beautifully designed Eyes T-Shirt from Goyte.cinderblock.com where it costs $22.99. Sizes available range from small to XL and it comes in black. Have pleasant dreams, good nights of sleep and spare the occasional thought for those of us who are unable to enjoy either.

 

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