May 20, 2013 § Leave a comment
The seagull, though it might look like an uninteresting bird, is possibly the most cunning and evil avian incarnation on (or above) Earth. I shall elaborate below as you enjoy the looks of this lovely Seagull T-Shirt.
Though there is technically no such thing as a seagull (there are lots of different gulls – none of which are called ‘seagulls’) their reality is a stark and chilling indictment of the dangerous nature of birds. Now, I like birds, as a rule. I have no quarrels with quails nor any bad blood with blackbirds. But Seagulls are nasty bits of work. Their greatest crime? Chip stealing. Yes, these bully-boys with beaks that frequent British seaside towns will pinch the chips right off your plate as you try to enjoy the sunshine. And when you look to take them on – to reclaim your chip – you see the evil little eyes filled with hatred for humanity, and the yellow, knife-like beak that protrudes from their so-called faces, and think better of it. Yes, other countries may have bears, lions, koalas or any other big predator, but we have these things. An Englishman’s chip is sacred, and these feathered fiends defile the sanctity of the fried potato with such regularity that we ought to fear them. I do. Therefore, I haven’t been to the beach in England in about five years. I don’t miss it (though, admittedly, seagulls are the least of the reasons why I don’t miss English seaside towns).
Enough of my anti-avian ramblings. This Gull T-Shirt is brought to you by the talented folks at Mild West Heroes. It was created by the very talented Michelle Barker and I discovered it on notonthehighstreet.com. It costs £19, sizes range from small to XL and comes in blue. You go take a look, and I shall continue my research onto anti-seagull chip-protection systems.
May 15, 2013 § Leave a comment
This week, I reread a story that I’d not thought about in a long time. It was from Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories. It’s called ‘The Cat Who Walked By Himself’ and so, fittingly, I’ve decided to look at this Moon and Cat T-Shirt.
I’ve looked at plenty of cat t-shirts already since this blog began, but this was rather a fetching one and it deserved a place. It’s also very apt that I should discover it this week. The Cat Who Walked By Himself was always a story I loved. If you’ve not read the Just So collection of stories, I do recommend it. It’s a fantastic work of fiction, for children and adults alike, and one of Kipling’s finest literary moments. There are stories about how the Rhinoceros got his skin and how the camel got his hump and lots of other intelligent, charming and often funny short tales that are well worth a flick through. But the one that always stood out for me, was this one. The cat is clever and cunning, proud and unique. He tricks humans so easily and does everything right, though he never wins. He never gets the real prize. Small perks and wins, yes, but he is still denied peace and love. He walks alone. Always. And everywhere he goes, the same problems haunt him, for all are alike to him. I imagine Kipling staring long into the eyes of a cat, back in the days when they were not considered house pets (when he wrote this, cats traditionally would never be allowed into houses – certainly not at night, unless there was a mice problem – they lived outdoors) and saw beyond the brooding mass of wonderfully evil intelligence that is so obvious in our feline friends. He saw the entity that it was – alone, in the darkness, and without love. Beastly, yet fragile.
This Cat T-shirt comes to you from Spreadshirt.com where it costs $27.49. It was designed by Fat Cat Shirts & Cat Lover Gifts, comes in four colours and sizes range from S to XXL. One can only be thankful that cats were let in from the cold.
May 4, 2013 § 1 Comment
Jaws is one of those iconic films that everyone knows, even if they haven’t seen it. It preys on your fears and turns any calm and peaceful ocean into a terrifying pool of blood and death. Ergo, here’s a Jaws T-Shirt.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, a giant mechanical shark appears. But for all of the nightmares and irrational fears it has sparked, it was Steven Spielberg himself who suffered the most at the hands of this beast. An impressive prop, it looked all set to be the star of the film alongside Rod Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss, but then the problems started. As soon as they put it into the water, it started to rust and warp quite rapidly. Animating it was almost impossible and despite how impressive it looked, on camera, it just looked like a big fake shark. That’s why it appears only very briefly in the film. But then, that’s why it’s so terrifying. You spend the whole film waiting and waiting – building up the tension and nerves and stress. Apart from fleeting glimpses, it’s only at the end of the film that you get a good look at the monster. So that’s one reason I’m showing you this today. The other reason is because it’s now a very Spring-ish Summer and a lot of you will be heading to the beach this weekend. Just be careful when you get into the water. You never know what’s lurking beneath the surface…
It’s becoming a genuine pleasure to find a new t-shirt from Layer Eight who are masters of turning films and tv shows into fashionable tees. This one features the Amity Island logo and the colours are perfect. A great looking shirt. I discovered this it on notonthehighstreet.com, where it costs £25, comes in blue, and sizes range from small to XXL. So whether you’re a dogfish or a whale shark, there’s something for you here. Enjoy!
P.s. Alas, people have a rather irrational hatred of sharks. Yes, they can be dangerous but then they are predators. And then there are also the morons eating Shark fin soup – the procurement of which is frankly barbaric. Sharks need a little help too sometimes, so if you feel like helping to make the lives of sharks a little easier, I urge you to donate to The Sharks Trust. Do it!
April 25, 2013 § Leave a comment
So I went off and found a Cynical T-Shirt. Why? Well, I’ve decided not to fight my natural inclinations any more. Let me tell you why I’m a cynic…
People. Yep, them. They are the reason. Sounds like I’m being unfair or bitter perhaps, but I’m not. People are the cause of every problem, every negative situation and everything else that sucks. Consider that. All the shit and awfulness in the world was caused by humanity. Oh sure, they’ve also created the wonder and the beauty, but you have to walk a long way to find it. The junk and wretchedness will be right in front of you. Seriously – just try it now. Look around you. I’ll bet you find something that upsets, annoys, depresses or irks you, we’ll before you find something that excites you or makes you happy. Now, because of all of this, I’ve decided to embrace my cynicism. That way, I expect the disappointment, and that makes it all easier to deal with. And in turn, when I do find one of the wonders of humanity, it’s not such a shock, and I can appreciate it with a cooler head. And that’s a win.
In true cynical tradition, this tee is brought to you by amazon.co.uk (that enormous, faceless, tax avoiding corporation). Sizes range from XS to XXXL, it comes in light blue, and will cost you between £14.99 and £18.99. So there. Deal with it.
April 8, 2013 § 1 Comment
Yep, so this blog has just had its first birthday. For a whole year now, I’ve been trawling cyberspace for you, bringing you cool, interesting, iconic and unusual t-shirts, as well as plenty of waffle from me. So here’s my First Birthday T-Shirt.
A year ago, I wrote my first blogpost about t-shirts. That seems like a long time ago now. Hundreds of t-shirts and thousands of visits later, I’m still going. There have been calmer moments where you might only see at most a single tee a week, and busier times where you might get at least one a day. You’ve read my lyrical waxing on the subjects of cats, computer games, album covers and, of course, monkeys. And in each of my posts, I’ve tried to put a little of myself as well. From lovelorn to lyrical, from depressed to delighted, you’ve witnessed much of the unique mess that goes in to making whatever the hell it is I am – I’m still trying to figure out what that is. All the spelling mistakes, nonsensical conclusions and daftness. All the dropped links, tortured metaphors and ridiculous musings. I trust you have enjoyed them all. And if you didn’t manage to enjoy them, at least you managed to find where to buy a new t-shirt or waste a couple of minutes of your day reading my waffle. Here’s to the next year where I will continue to skulk about the internet, discovering tees for our mutual appreciation, inspiration and enjoyment. And you never know, I might get round to finally creating my own too.
As for this Birthday T-Shirt, it can be found on spreadshirt.com. It’ll cost you $31.60, it comes in loads of colours and the sizes range from small to 3XL. I hope you have something to celebrate soon too. Onwards!
March 6, 2013 § Leave a comment
For your consideration is this Normal T-Shirt. I have always been of the opinion that there is no such thing as the concept of ‘normal’ but every now and again, I’m reminded that that I’m pretty ab-no-such-thing-as-normal. For many reasons. Let’s go through them.
Here’s 10 to get you started:
1. I don’t like steak. I’m a red-blooded, non-vegetarian meat-lover. But still, I find steak boring, bland and unimaginative.
2. I don’t believe in ghosts but I’m convinced I saw one once. It was weird and it creeped me the hell out.
3. I have something verging on a superstition about not being superstitious.
4. I’m a half-Scottish Cockney, and yet I have a classically posh English accent.
5. I enjoy ironing. I find it very therapeutic.
6. I occasionally daydream about being a superhero. I’m almost 30.
7. I have four drawers full of t-shirts and yet I don’t think I have enough.
8. I have developed a system of street golf involving my cigarette butts and gutters.
9. My residual self image would be either the Blob or the Hulk on any given day.
10. I own a ridiculously expensive pair of cowboy boots that I never wear.
There. And that’s just for starters. That’s the PG stuff. I’m not even going to start on the really freaky stuff – you’d probably have nightmares for a week! Now, I reckon we could all get a list like that down on paper – we all have our idiosyncrasies. Maybe, have a think about it. We’re all weird. But I maintain I’m more weird than most. And the face in my window whispers confirmation of that in the middle of the night sometimes.
Anyway, you can get your own Sometimes I Pretend T-Shirt at Notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by Otto’s Day, costs £24.00, comes in four colours and sizes range from Small to XL. And with that, I shall see you normals later.
February 20, 2013 § Leave a comment
So, my friend and colleague Nicola is heading off to pastures new, and she couldn’t be going any further away. She’s going to Japan. This is her last week of work and in a month, she’ll be off to the land of the rising sun. As she’s a massive fan, here’s a Hello Kitty T-Shirt that I think she’d like.
Long ago, I was going to head off to Japan to teach English but everything fell through and I ended up in a comfortable job in London. Which was fine, but I do regret not following up with it some times. Well, Nicola, who has been a friend and workmate for a couple of years or more now, is heading off to a land where they make houses out of paper, pizza delivery prices are extortionate and Godzillas roam freely across the landscape. She’s done her homework and learned japanese (well, she can count to 10), and she’s the sort of person who suits the craziness that happens in Japan. Often she’ll be the first person to find the cool, new stuff in London. She’ll tell us about pubs where everything is made of cheese, or pop-up bars that you can only find if you can decode a message in latin or morse code. We’ll miss that and will have to get round to our own exploring. And, she loves Hello Kitty. She’s moderately obsessed with it really, and that’s why this is a fitting t-shirt for her. Perhaps, as she sits on the costa del Tokyo, sipping warm saki from a dirty glass, watching the Mothras mate in the fading evening light, she’ll remember her friends back in London, toiling away and eating sub-par sushi.
If you also happen to be a big fan of Hello Kitty, you can get this tee at Welovefine.com where it costs $25. It comes in blue or white, and sizes range from small to XXL. And it’s guaranteed to repel 99% of Godzilla attacks (not really).
February 19, 2013 § Leave a comment
It’s been a while. Too long perhaps. Every now and again, I need to look at monkeys. Ergo, I have found this Urban Monkey T-Shirt which not only satisfies my want to look at primates, but is also a rather dashing tee. Ook.
The idea of an urban monkey intrigues me. Sure, there are cities around the globe that have monkeys, but the one that I currently live in, has no primates at all. What if the great apes could be seen swinging along the embankment, or macaques chasing the nightingales in Barkley Square? How much better would that be. Note the lack of question mark. It was rhetorical. The only answer is that it would be amazingly awesome on so many levels. Sure there would be problems at first. We’d have to work out how to keep the howler monkeys away from the British Library (shhh…!) and the orang-utans would probably try to dismantle all the tourists’ cameras (very delicately of course), but we could get around these things. I know I’d feel safer with a silverback gorilla dominating Royal Festival Hall. Wouldn’t you? Well, enough of my fevered ramblings on monkeys living in London. It’s a nice idea, but I don’t see it happening. Alas…
So, I shall have to be content with this charming Angry Monkey T-Shirt. I found it at Tshirt-Factory.com where it costs just $10. It’s actually a template for printing your own tee, so you might need access to some printing gear, but if you have it, you should totally make this. While you do, I shall be dreaming of feeding the rhesus monkeys in Trafalgar Square. Why not?
February 14, 2013 § Leave a comment
Well, the dreaded day has arrived again. Another year of loneliness. Another year without love or even intimate companionship. I know I already looked at an Anti-Valentine’s tee, but here’s my Valentine’s T-Shirt.
I’m not a naturally bitter person. Ok, I am a little bit, but if there’s a day that makes me akin to strong dark chocolate, dipped in black coffee, it’s Valentine’s Day. If you got a card, maybe a flower or a gift, then congrats. Well done. You’re obviously a person deserving of love. Apparently, I failed that test a long time ago and so I am one of those who never got anything. I’m now sitting in the dark, listening to the The J. Gelis Band’s Love Stinks and Rammstein’s Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da and brooding over the apparent wrong turn I took. Fat, ugly and hairy aside, I know I’m not exactly a catch, but I didn’t think I was so repulsive that in the 29 years I have existed on this planet, I wouldn’t be worthy of a single Valentine’s card that didn’t come from my mother when I was a kid, or as a token of sympathy. Actually, my two year old God-daughter gave me a card a couple of years ago. Not exactly romantic though, is it. Anyway, to all you happy couples out there, I just hope that the champagne is flat, the chocolates poisoned and that your candle lit dinner means that your electricity has been cut off. Bitter? Hell yes. Confused and annoyed? Indeed. Angry at the world and everyone in it who has happiness and love? You better believe it. Looking forward to tomorrow when this dreadful occasion is a whole year away? Yeppers.
Get your own Valentine’s Tee at Spreadshirt.com. It costs $29.10, comes in loads of colours, styles and sizes. Join me in some bitterness, darkness and tragedy. It’s not as fun as it sounds, but it gets shit done.
February 8, 2013 § Leave a comment
My music collection has grown to be somewhat eclectic over the years, but the one constant that always remains, that will always be there, is Heavy Metal. I think it’s time to salute the genre itself with a Heavy Metal T-Shirt. Rock on.
I’ve come a long way from my days as a bit of a goth. Ok, so the hair’s still long, but that’s more to do with me looking stupid with short hair than my commitments to music. In the last decade I have found myself branching out more and diversifying the music in my collection. On my iPod, you’ll now find everything from Beethoven to Muddy Waters, from Depeche Mode to the Wu Tang Clan. I enjoy it all, but despite this growth, I always regress to heavy metal. It’s who I am. I was forged in the fires of Iron Maiden and Metallica, developed with the driving sounds of Rammstein and Fear Factory, thrashed out to Slayer and Sepultura and I even suffered willingly through Nu Metal with Korn and Limp Bizkit. To quote Lemmy, one of the undoubted Gods of Heavy Metal, “I got Rock n Roll. It satisfies my soul.” and it really does. I still get chills when I hear a great riff, even when I’ve heard it so many times before. I still get the urge to grab my bass whenever I hear a great song and rock out with myself, pretending I’m playing a stadium show with one of the monsters of rock. It still gets me. I always wanted to be a rock star and though that looks like it’s not going to happen anymore, I still wish it would. Heavy metal is the music of imaginative people with true depth of character and strong personalities. If you like your metal, I salute you.
I think this is a great shirt. It’s humorous, honest and, frankly, it rocks. You can get this Metal T-Shirt by heading over to Redmolotov.com. It comes in loads of colours and sizes and the price of this Men’s Tee is £14.99. So, weather you like Hair Metal, Black Metal, Death Metal, Hard Rock, Grunge, Thrash or Classic, spend a bit of time rocking out and enjoy the finest type of music.