January 18, 2013 § Leave a comment
Snow is falling across London at the moment, and is ruining my plans for the weekend. If only this was the ice planet, Hoth, I could relax in the familiar surroundings of Echo Base. I’ll have to settle for this Hoth T-Shirt. Well, I haven’t looked at a Star Wars tee in a while.
There are several similarities between London at the moment and Hoth. It’s snowing… well, there’s probably some other stuff too, right? But it’s the differences that stand out the most. For a start, if I get cold strolling around Kilburn, I can’t slice anything open and live inside it. It’s not that I have an objection to the activity per se, but there are very few living things in that neck of the woods that would fit me. The day they let cows graze in Queen’s Park, I’m sorted, but until then, when it snows, I’ll just have to settle for going indoors. You’ve got to feel sorry for Taun Tauns really. Not only do they live on one of the galaxy’s least hospitable planets, they have ice monsters and insensitive pirates wielding lightsabers desecrating their corpses to keep their Jedi buddies warm to worry about. I can’t imagine it’s a particularly pleasant existence. But then again, nor is mine at the moment. Not having a Taun Taun, I have to rely on a Train Train. Or even just a train. And I’m guessing that won’t be working. And my weekend plans have been cancelled due to weather. And I haven’t got my walking boots or nice Scotch whisky (a must for the cold) on me at the moment either. Not that this compares to the true suffering of a beast forced to ferry rebels around Hoth, but it’s a bit sucky nonetheless.
Make your experience of the snow a little less sucky by buying yourself this Star Wars T-Shirt. You can buy it at Nachomamatees.com where it’s available for $16.99. It comes in blue and there are lots of sizes to choose from. AS for me, I shall drink some cocoa and try to stave off hypothermia. Such fun.
January 15, 2013 § Leave a comment
Reading is sexy. Once you get past the age of finding haircuts and trainers sexy, reading is the next step up. So I found a very apt, Reading T-Shirt. But I do have a problem, and the problem is Reading. The town, not the activity.
So, there is a town in the UK called Reading (but pronounced ‘Redding’) and it’s pretty awful. How do I know? I used to live there. Thankfully it was only a brief stay, but it really is a wretched, horrible place. Sorry, if you’re from that neck of Berkshire, but it’s true. There are maybe two good shops, three good pubs and then the rest of it is a cross between a dump, the zombie apocalypse, a dystopian future and a small turd. Not a nice place by any stretch of the imagination. Which is a shame, because reading, the activity, is one of my most favourite things ever. I get lost in books and I actually feel comforted when they surround me. I can almost hear the words on the pages yearning to be read by me, and that makes me feel very special. In contrast, being surrounded by Reading makes me feel nauseated and threatened. Why must they be spelled the same? It’s not fair. It’s like if the word ‘Beautiful’ meant ‘beautiful’, but also meant ‘diseased sexual predator’ (and there’s more than a few of those in Reading too). It’s not fair. Not fair at all. Anyway, enjoy reading, because it is sexy and any woman who reads often, regularly and studies a variety of texts immediately is lifted in my estimations.
This Reading Is Sexy T-Shirt is £16.85 and comes from Spreadshirt.co.uk. It comes in loads of colours, sizes range from small to XXL and it’s a great design. And it’s true. Unless you’re talking about the town. Uuurrrggghhh…
January 4, 2013 § Leave a comment
Because the last post was so serious, it’s only right that I return to the silly status quo with this post. And being that the weekend is coming up, a Weekend T-Shirt would be most appropriate. After all, it’s been a long week. All three days of it.
After spending several days doing very little other than smoking, eating, drinking and sleeping, work came as a bit of a shock. A very boring shock, but a shock nonetheless. As it was the beginning of the month, I had to do loads of stuff to do that involved using my brain. My brain hasn’t been used to being used in quite some time. My brain, like me, has been wrapped up warm in a duvet, eating chocolate and watching TV for too long. So, as previously attested, work was a dull, wet thump of a shock. And it was only three days! What am I going to be like next friday after five days of labour!? I’m already a nervous wreck, having to deal with all sorts of things happening. Things! Happening! Ergo, I am a really looking forward to the weekend. I’m still doing stuff, but it’s stuff that I’m good at, which is, of course, the unimportant stuff which I think is very important. I can also revel in sleeping again. But I am trying to be a little healthier this year, so less of the chocolate and more walking would be good. Whatever I do though, it won’t be work and, for those two days, that will be bliss. Oh, and I’m going to be doing some drinking too. Plenty of it. Which is all sorts of awesome.
Celebrate the weekend in style by getting yourself this tee. It comes from solidthreads.com and costs just $14.95 at the moment. It comes in royal blue and sizes range from small to XXL. Have a very merry weekend and enjoy every second of not doing anything. I shall do likewise.
January 2, 2013 § Leave a comment
Dateline London. Train fares have been increased to levels that make rail transport almost prohibitive. And it’s not even like we have nice trains! It’s hardly power and steam. In fact, there’s very little power and the only steam you see is the hot, germy breath of your fellow commuters fogging up the windows. So a Superman T-Shirt is apt, because these days, it just doesn’t make any sense.
To me, Superman never made sense. Ok, he was the first Superhero to really capture the imagination, but he was dated pretty much straight away. And as every plot seems to revolve around someone having some kryptonite or two things happening simultaneously, it got old fast too. Felix Baumgartner recently went faster than a speeding bullet when he jumped from space so that’s been done by a non-Kryptonian. And the powerful locomotive one really is dated. Not just because of all the heavy machinery invented since, but also because, if you live in the UK, you have no idea what “powerful” train looks like anymore. A sluggish, ugly, disease-filled, angry, diesel monstrosity is what we’re used to and as they’re almost always late. We can’t even fathom the concept of them being powerful. And now, our beloved leaders have decided to up the fares. In some places by 50%. Why? Apparently we’re paying for all the lovely, shiny upgrades we’re getting. You know. The ones that will be rubbish, if we do ever actually see them. Lucky us. I’d quite like Superman to come to Britain now, take a look at our trains and then smash them all up and make us start again with good engines and fair fares. Ah, to dream…
This is a lovely looking t-shirt, and if you are a fan of Clark Kent’s alter-ego, it makes a nice change to the classic “S” t-shirt. You can find it at shotdeadinthehead.com where it costs £17.99. It comes in 10 different colours (but you have to go with the classic blue don’t you?) and sizes go from small to 2XL. Oh, and if you look up at the sky and see a man-shaped blur, streaking across the sky faster than a bullet and you think it’s a bird, you want sectioning.
December 31, 2012 § Leave a comment
Yes, it’s that time again. Where we say goodbye to the old year and hello to the new year, same as the old year. So, rather than just find a tee with “2013” stamped on it, I thought this would do as my New Years Eve T-Shirt. It informs on what I’ll be drinking. Probably. But who knows…?
Tonight is not a night of sensible, restrained sipping, but for raucous, sloshed quaffing. As it was so done by our forefathers, so shall it be done by us. I’d actually quite like to be sensible. I would. It would be great to not spend the first day of 2013 nursing a hangover reminiscent of the apocalypse, but I will be doing so, I dare say. It’s tradition. Besides, if my new years resolution is to eat vegetables, do exercise and live an altogether healthier lifestyle, it’s only fitting that I say goodbye to 2012 with a night consisting of 40 cigarettes, 50 units of alcohol and a traffic cone that I’ll steal at 4am in the morning. Happens every year like clockwork. I don’t know what it is about traffic cones that are so appealing to the average drunk, but they are. Maybe it’s because they make a fetching hat and a handy vomit catching receptacle all in one (though it’s important to do it in that order or it gets the worst kind of messy). And said vomit, will be comprised mostly of alcohol that could have been anything in its previous pre-stomach incarnation. Hence this Bathtub Gin T-Shirt which is both a charming and very clever design, but also a description of my impending imbibings. Lovely stuff.
Where does one get their hands on this t-shirt? Head over to cafepress.co.uk where at the moment it is just £21.50. It was designed by the very talented IStillLiveWithMyParents and it comes in nine colours and nine sizes too. In fact, I may just go and lie in the bath and have people pour gin onto me. Saves energy. Nice.
December 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
All human desire causes pain. This was the idea that Schopenhauer put forward in his work The World as Will and Representation and, well, he was pretty much on the money with that one. So, here’s a Schopenhauer T-Shirt for those of you in pain with desire.
It’s actually a relatively old concept, but Schopenhauer fleshed out and developed the idea that Plato and Aristotle had been arguing about thousands of years before. In fact, he turned it around and formed the idea that there was a collective will, almost with its own identity, that was forever unfulfilled and seeking to be satisfied. So there you go. Didn’t come here expecting a lesson in 19th century philosophy, did you? …You did? Weirdo. Anyway, I had my own bit of suffering to go through today, driven by my desire to not have a sensitive tooth. Two fillings. Not the most fun I’ve had on a lunch break, but there have been worse days. And as annoying, uncomfortable and painful as invasive dentistry can be, it sure beats not being able to eat on one side of your mouth. Two weeks of that is not fun. But I’m all better now. I dare say I will continue to desire and that will cause me pain, but at least the pain won’t be in my mouth. Of course, it was Schopenhauer who said that life, without pain, lacks meaning. To be honest, Art, I could learn to live with meaningless.
So if you’re in the market for a Philosopher T-Shirt, I recommend this one. It was designed by Strk3 and you can find it at cafepress.com where it costs $37.99. It’s available in nine colours and nine sizes so you’re sure to find the one for you. Just remember to floss, gargle and stop drinking fizzy drinks!
December 15, 2012 § Leave a comment
So you might have noticed that the blog has been a little quieter this week. That’s because I have the plague. It’s why this Slightly Damaged Human T-Shirt is very apt. My throat is dead and I’m sneezing all the time. And this highlights an old problem.
I never say “bless you” after someone sneezes. I shouldn’t have to state that like I’m an alcoholic in a therapy session, yet modern attitudes dictate I must. I can almost hear some of you gasping in horror. I imagine some of you fainting or thinking of it as a sign of armageddon. It’s certainly not because I’m a mean person, or because I’m worried about offending atheists. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. You sneezed. If you believe that this is the devil trying to pull your soul out of your nose, you’re an idiot and therefore my saying “bless you” is merely an act of enabling. Or perhaps you believe that this sneeze is something to be proud of – something worthy of blessing like a beautifully carved piece of iconography or the like. It’s not. It’s a sneeze. Also, who am I to offer a blessing? I’m not a confirmed member of the clergy or any other religious organisation so surely I have no right to bless anyone. And surely it can’t be polite either. Why is the sneeze different from any other bodily function? We don’t bless people for farting do we? And in many ways sneezing is so much worse. When you’re in the presence of someone who farts, most of the time they have at least a single layer of cloth between the guff-dust and you. There’s no guarantee that there’ll even be any impossibly thin piece of paper in between you and eruption of dead brain cells, mucus and every germ that likes to make your sinuses a home. But whatever. I never say “bless you” and that isn’t going to change. Deal with it.
So, as well as being ill, thought processes like this probably point to a very damaged human, but this was the closest tee I could find to that. It was designed by Nipheon who runs berlinshirts.net but I found this one on spreadshirt.co.uk where it comes in lots of colours, sizes S to XXL and is a very reasonable £16.65. I shall go back to my sneezing a coughing. And you better not say “bless you”. Be told.
December 13, 2012 § Leave a comment
What better t-shirt for an icy winter’s morning than this? Not only are Morecambe and Wise synonymous with Christmas (even now) but their cheery theme song, Bring Me Sunshine, is a mantra we’re all chanting now. To warm us all up, here’s a Sunshine T-Shirt. Brrrr…
I must have seen every Morecambe and Wise sketch now. When I was a kid, my Grandparents used to have some of their Christmas specials on VHS (ask your parents if you have no idea) and every time the holidays came round, it would go on. And the laughter never got softer. It was always loud, and even now I still find myself chuckling, giggling and guffawing to the madness of Eric and the frustration of Ernie. It’s nice to have something to laugh about when you’re stood in the freezing cold, waiting for a train or a bus. It just got particularly cold in the South East of England and even my Scottish genes – well suited to dealing with chills – are starting to become overwhelmed. And, after years of avoiding it, I can attest that Twyford Station on a winter’s morning is still the coldest place on the planet. I swear I saw a couple of penguins getting on the 07:16 to Reading this morning. And even they were wearing jumpers. Sunshine would be so welcome in the dark, Antarctic-esque midwinter of semi-rural Berkshire. Maybe we can do it. Maybe we can make the sun appear if we all just start singing along. Bring me sunshine (now), through the years. Never bring me, any tears (because they’ll freeze my eyes open). In this world where we live (and die of hypothermia), there could be more happiness (and more gloves and more scarves)… Come on everybody! …no? Boo.
Anyway, bring a little more sunshine to your winter with this fantastic Morecambe and Wise T-Shirt from Brit-Com-Tee specialists Layer Eight. Another find from notonthehighstreet.com, this shirt comes in blue (I think the grey is out of stock at the moment) and sizes range from small to XXL, costing £25.00. What do you think of this winter so far? Rubbish!
November 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
The week is over, and the weekend is just beginning. This is a time for celebration, and this means a bit of music. Therefore, I have found the Music Tree T-Shirt – And now for something a little different…
Rather than just waffle on like I always do, I thought I’d give you a run-down of the first ten songs that appear on my iPod. I’ll do no shuffling or skipping – it’ll just be the first ten. Here goes.
- Nothing But A Good Time – Reel Big Fish – a Ska-punk cover of the Poison classic. Foot -tapping rating: 8/10.
- Summerholidays Vs. Punkroutine – Refused – Nice, bass-driven heavy punk with tortured vocals and a somewhat funky rhythm. Head-nodding rating: 7/10
- You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere – Brett Dennen – A beautiful cover of the Dylan classic. Head-swaying rating: 7/10
- Auto Pilot – Queens of the Stone Age – A mellow, almost “lazilly drugged” turn from a brilliant band. Desire-to-take-narcotics rating: 8/10
- Rain – The Cult – Great rock n’ roll. Solid bass, wailing guitars and great vocals and lyrics. Sing-in-the-shower rating: 8/10
- Electric Worry – Clutch – Down South blues rock with a rusted, jagged edge. Desire-to-neck-a-bottle-of-bourbon rating: 7/10
- Last Leaf – OK Go – Moving and very sweet acoustic number with rich, rustic sound-engineering. Want-to-cry rating: 8/10
- Swagger Of Thieves – HLAH – Boisterous, swaggering return from one of the best bands to ever come out of NZ. Desk-head-banging rating: 9/10
- Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright – Bob Dylan – One of the most honest and human sentiments ever expressed in music. Knowing-nod rating: 9/10
- Rock Box – Run DMC – Rap royalty combining super-clever lyricism and glam metal aesthetics perfectly. Desire-to-wear-an-adidas-tracksuit rating: 9/10
So that’s what I listened to while I wrote this post. And this Music Tee was the perfect visual accompaniment. It’s excellently designed, playful and original. It was created by Auraclover whose entire range is something to be admired. You can find this tee on spreadshirt.com where it costs $22.20, comes in lots of colours and sizes from S-XXL. And boy, am I relieved that none of my truly embarrassing musical tastes cropped up in that selection!
November 23, 2012 § Leave a comment
This week has featured a lot of animal t-shirts (and yes, I’m including wookies in that) but I don’t think I’ve ever found a Fish T-Shirt that I really like. Well, now I have. And here it is.
The Koi (being the Japanese word meaning “carp”) is a long-suffering fish. Prized by some, devoured by many, but undeniably beautiful and even graceful, carving a white or golden line through the water of pond or stream. The tattooing community in particular have taken the koi to heart, finding resonance with the idea of it as a symbol for perseverance during times of hardship or adversity. Personally though, I find them a good metaphor for me. Yes, me. The one that is myself. That being which I am fond of indicating with the perpendicular pronoun. No, I don’t smell of fish, though I have been known to be a little scaly, but that’s still not why I find resonance with the carp itself. Predators hunt it, it’s seen as unthreatening and slow, it hides in darkness and only surfaces when it needs to. While all around it people speak of symbolism and commercial value, as the chaos of the world carries on all about, it just keeps on swimming. It’s serene and silent against a backdrop of chaos and chatter. And I’d like to think, though I cannot keep up such a persona all the time, just by living, I do a relatively good koi impression. I hope I do anyway.
I found this Koi T-Shirt at spreadshirt.com where it costs just $27.10 with a little delivery charge on top of that. You can have it in loads of colours sizes go from small fry to trophy catch (S-3XL) so you should find one to fit. And to paraphrase an old saying: Swim alone, committing no sin, with few wishes, like a koi in the stream.