Tokyo T-Shirt – This is Godzilla’s Country

Gojira! Gojira!

For someone who pretty much hates the lazy design that goes into the ‘I heart (insert whatever here)’ t-shirts, this Tokyo T-Shirt is a clever and amusing alternative. And who doesn’t love Godzilla?

So, you may remember that a while back, I looked at a Hello Kitty shirt in tribute to my friend Nicola heading over to Japan to go and teach English for a year. Well, now she’s there, and she started a blog, so I’m totally plugging said blog for her because I reckon it’s going to be pretty interesting, especially if you ever wondered what it’s like to head off to a foreign land and go live and work there. She tells me that Tokyo is awesome and completely mental and that’s just making me even more jealous of her being out there. But then, I don’t have to deal with Godzilla or Mothra, and therefore, in those stakes, I’m up. So, this blog of Nicola’s can be found at JapanMeInTheFace.wordpress.com (the name should give you some indication of Nicola’s sense of humour) and I look forward to reading lots of interesting things on there over the coming weeks and months. She’s the sort of person who will discover amazing places where the furniture is made out of rice and all the food is in haiku-form so it should be a good read.

As for this delightful Godzilla T-Shirt, you can find it at drasticplasticrecords.com where it’s available for the very reasonable price of $14.98. It comes in black, and sizes range from S to XXL. I believe Godzilla takes a size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL, but if that’s required, I’m sure you can contact the manufacturer and request one specially – though there may be a slight increase in price.

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Parrot T-Shirt – Here’s a joke for you…

The quiet parrot.

To change things up for this post, regarding this rather awesome and witty Parrot T-Shirt design, I’ve decided to tell you a joke. Apologies if you already heard it, but I’ve heard it loads of times and it still makes me laugh.

So, this woman walks into a pet shop one day, and she’s taking a look around but nothing really appeals to her. The dogs, the cats, the rodents. None of them really seem right. As she’s walking out of the shop, she notices that the behind the counter is a beautiful parrot with bright plumage and shiny feathers. She walks up to the guy behind the counter and asks him how much the parrot costs.
“What, this one?” he says, indicating the bird in question “I don’t think you want this one, miss.”
“Why not?” she inquires.
“Well,” says the man “he’s a rescue. Normally that’s fine, but this one was rescued from a brothel. He’s picked up quite a few bad habits and his language is frankly disgusting. I’m going to have to spend quite a lot of time training it out of him before I sell him.”
After convincing the man behind the counter to let her buy the bird, assuring him that she’ll spend every day talking to him and training the bad language out of him, she heads home with her new pet.
He settles in fine and for a couple of hours says nothing at all. He’s very friendly and sweet, but doesn’t say a word. Then, there’s a knock at the door and the woman goes to answer it. It’s her mother who has popped round for tea. As soon as she walks into the room, the parrot starts screeching obscenities. F-ing this and S-ing that, turning the air blue. But after a minute of this he goes all quiet again. The woman’s mother is understandably shocked.
“It’s alright, mother,” the woman reassures her “he used to belong to a ghastly brothel but I’m re-educating him and I’ll get rid of all that foul language.”
With the mother reassured, the two sit down for tea.
A little while later, and there’s another knock at the door. In walks the vicar and the parrot starts off again. Lurid references and body parts, curses and swears. And again, after a minute, he goes all quite again.
The vicar is very flustered and the woman and her mother explain the whole story. The vicar tells her that it’s very charitable of her to attempt to bring this bird’s vocabulary back to an acceptable level.
A short while later, they hear a key in the lock of the front door. The woman’s husband has arrived home and she, her mother and the vicar look up at the parrot with dread. When the man walks into the room, they’re all staring intensely at the bird, who turns to see the husband walk into the room and then says
“Alright, Dave! I’ve not seen you since last tuesday!”

There you go. I bet the woman in that joke wishes her parrot had nothing to say, eh readers? Anyway, this beautiful t-shirt design comes to you from Tshirt-Factory.com. It’s just the design, which you can buy for £10.00 and print onto a tee yourself. See the site for more details on how to do that. And beware buying a parrot. Especially if you frequent brothels.

Ministry Of Silly Walks T-Shirt – Yes, Mr Teabag.

May I see your silly walk?

For at least the third time on this blog, I’m looking at a Monty Python T-Shirt. I feel this is a good thing. Especially when this Ministry Of Silly Walks T-Shirt highlights one of the all-time classics of the show.

I was stood in the street the other day, outside work, having a cigarette and I began to people watch. It’s a naturally occurring phenomenon. Have people, will watch. Anyway, as I studied the humans that passed by, something struck me, figuratively speaking (no one threw anything at me is what I mean). I have an awesome gait. Seriously. People walk funny. I never thought of myself as particularly graceful, but looking at the rest of you, I realised that my strides are consistent and smooth, my footfalls light but firm, and my balance is exceptional. The rest of you all jolt and stomp and stumble around like you’re still getting used to shoes while I have the air of elegance about my strolling. I’m proud. But as long as I watched, I saw no really silly walks. I’d love to see you doing a John Cleese impression by flicking out your toes, twisting your knees and swivelling your hips, but you don’t. No wonder the Ministry of Silly Walks doesn’t get the funding it used to get. You lot wouldn’t even get a research fellowship at La Marche Futile! As for me, I’m lobbying parliament for a Ministry of Elegant Walks. I shall let you know if I get anywhere with that one.

This John Cleese T-Shirt is available from Notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by the talented lot at Layer Eight, it comes in grey or blue, with sizes going from small to XXL. All of that for just £25. A price by the way which is now equal to the paltry weekly allowance offered by the MoSW. Stupid government cuts…

 

Normal T-Shirt – I really do sometimes.

There’s no such thing as normal. Well, that’s what the voices tell me.

 

For your consideration is this Normal T-Shirt. I have always been of the opinion that there is no such thing as the concept of ‘normal’ but every now and again, I’m reminded that that I’m pretty ab-no-such-thing-as-normal. For many reasons. Let’s go through them.

Here’s 10 to get you started:

1. I don’t like steak. I’m a red-blooded, non-vegetarian meat-lover. But still, I find steak boring, bland and unimaginative.

2. I don’t believe in ghosts but I’m convinced I saw one once. It was weird and it creeped me the hell out.

3. I have something verging on a superstition about not being superstitious.

4. I’m a half-Scottish Cockney, and yet I have a classically posh English accent.

5. I enjoy ironing. I find it very therapeutic.

6. I occasionally daydream about being a superhero. I’m almost 30.

7. I have four drawers full of t-shirts and yet I don’t think I have enough.

8. I have developed a system of street golf involving my cigarette butts and gutters.

9. My residual self image would be either the Blob or the Hulk on any given day.

10. I own a ridiculously expensive pair of cowboy boots that I never wear.

There. And that’s just for starters. That’s the PG stuff. I’m not even going to start on the really freaky stuff – you’d probably have nightmares for a week! Now, I reckon we could all get a list like that down on paper – we all have our idiosyncrasies. Maybe, have a think about it. We’re all weird. But I maintain I’m more weird than most. And the face in my window whispers confirmation of that in the middle of the night sometimes.

Anyway, you can get your own Sometimes I Pretend T-Shirt at Notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by Otto’s Day, costs £24.00, comes in four colours and sizes range from Small to XL. And with that, I shall see you normals later.

Star Wars Bacon T-Shirt – THIS is how you crush the rebellion.

Now you will witness the power of this fully operational frying pan.

Why am I looking at this tee? Well, it combines two of my favourite things in the world ever. Star Wars and Bacon. Anything that combines those two things instantly gets my approval. So, without further ado (not that there had been too much ado before now – precious little ado actually), here is a Star Wars Bacon T-Shirt.

So, say you’re a couple of Sith guys with most of the universe under your control. Like any successful business, you want 100% market share of everything you’re involved in (weapons, soldiers, the Force, etc…). It’s natural. But how do you get people to convert? Were I Vader, or the Emperor, the first bit of propaganda I would do, would be to start a rumour about how the rebels are going to ban bacon. Maybe that the “light” side of the force was all about dieting and that bacon just didn’t fit in with that philosophy. Every ship in the galaxy would turn against them. Han and Chewie would have flushed Ben and Luke into the vacuum of Space, paid Jabba what they owed him with the reward money for doing so, and gone and had a bacon sarnie. The whole saga over by act the start of act 2. Done. Instead though, the Sith preached all the boring stuff and didn’t win hearts and minds. Bacon wins hearts and minds. And then clogs up the arteries of said hearts with win. fatty, salty win. It’s odd they didn’t think of it, seeing as a Sith lightsaber is kind-of the same colour as bacon.

This Sith T-Shirt is brought to you by the good folks at the geekiest place on Earth, Thinkgeek.com. It costs between $20.99 and $22.99, comes in red and sizes range from Small to XXXL. And in my mind, if the rebellion had been crushed, to sweeten the guards at Imperial checkpoints, Han would have renamed his ship the Millennium Bacon. May the Pork be with you.

 

Meat Loaf T-Shirt – Like a Tee out of Hell

Classic rock and pie charts combined. Awesome.

Every now and again, my musical tastes revert to Meat Loaf. It’s like my default music for some reason. And that’s kind of happening now. So, in celebration of this, I have found this brilliant Meat Loaf T-Shirt. It’s like the only time maths has been cool.

My musical tastes run in phases, and I always start each phase with Meat Loaf. I’m not sure why. I have several days of music on my iPod, with genres ranging from Metal to Rap, from Blues to Trance, with a few lashings of Folk, Punk, Classical and plenty of Rock in between. But despite this, I get bored. I feel like I’ve listened to everything. That’s when I go back to The Loaf. I also look like him a bit (yes, ladies, it’s true). Usually, after a few renditions of Bat Out Of Hell or I’d Lie For You (And That’s The Truth), I create a new playlist and move on. Then, in several months’ time, I’ll have to reset again, and I’ll be listing to Hot Patootie again. It’s like a musical comfort blanket, I guess. You can rock out, dance to it a bit and it’s great sing-along music too. And now, you can have the fun of applying mathematics to it as well. As well as the above pie chart, there’s “2/3 ≥ satisfactory” and “∞<old”. I’m working on others too (turns out I need to spend a bit more time with my algebra books before I start trying this stuff – but I’m sure there are plenty there). Anyway, I shall start a new musical phase soon as I’m currently enjoying Mr Marvin Adey (yep, that’s his real name) at his romantic, OTT best.

Grab your own Meaty tee at Chargrilled.co.uk. It’ll cost you £17.95, there are loads of colours and sizes go up to XXXL in this men’s style (there are hoodies and women’s fit as well). Now go pull on a frilly shirt and waistcoat combo, get some red roses, and get your oversized romantic on.

 

Under The Weather T-Shirt – Language, illness and atmosphere.

This will give you a sunny disposition.

I love a clever tee. And a tee design that shows passion in its creation. The Under The Weather T-Shirt has all of that in spades, and I think it looks just great. And it gives me plenty to talk about too (aside from my own changing of ways).

Let’s start with the weather. In London today we’ll have had freezing fog, snow, rain and we’re in for a warm weekend apparently. Nice. That’s what British weather should be. Completely schizophrenic and entirely unhelpful. In terms of illness, I’m getting a cold apparently. Not that I have any visible symptoms, just a familiar tickle in the sinuses that leads me to believe that in a few days I’ll be hacking, sneezing and generally feeling miserable. So there you go. And this is why I love this t-shirt. It exploits the wonders of the English language through pun and metaphor allowing me to talk about these disparate subjects without the need for a tortured segway. Not only that but the illustration is as cute as a button too.

This tee was created by the good folks at paperpencilpen.com who look to be something worth getting excited about. I recognise a fellow serial drawer and doodler when I see one and the people behind these designs have that wonderful ability in abundance. It’s the ability to just sit down and start drawing. Nothing so quickly becomes something. It’s great. And to transfer that to t-shirt design makes me very happy. This t-shirt will cost you $14.00, comes in white, and there are several styles and loads of sizes to choose from. I also urge you to check out their entire range – it’s full of tee-resure. See. I can pun too.

Hoth T-Shirt – Where’s a Taun Taun when you need one?

And I thought they smelled bad on the outside. Quite roomy though.

Snow is falling across London at the moment, and is ruining my plans for the weekend. If only this was the ice planet, Hoth, I could relax in the familiar surroundings of Echo Base. I’ll have to settle for this Hoth T-Shirt. Well, I haven’t looked at a Star Wars tee in a while.

There are several similarities between London at the moment and Hoth. It’s snowing… well, there’s probably some other stuff too, right? But it’s the differences that stand out the most. For a start, if I get cold strolling around Kilburn, I can’t slice anything open and live inside it. It’s not that I have an objection to the activity per se, but there are very few living things in that neck of the woods that would fit me. The day they let cows graze in Queen’s Park, I’m sorted, but until then, when it snows, I’ll just have to settle for going indoors. You’ve got to feel sorry for Taun Tauns really. Not only do they live on one of the galaxy’s least hospitable planets, they have ice monsters and insensitive pirates wielding lightsabers desecrating their corpses to keep their Jedi buddies warm to worry about. I can’t imagine it’s a particularly pleasant existence. But then again, nor is mine at the moment. Not having a Taun Taun, I have to rely on a Train Train. Or even just a train. And I’m guessing that won’t be working. And my weekend plans have been cancelled due to weather. And I haven’t got my walking boots or nice Scotch whisky (a must for the cold) on me at the moment either. Not that this compares to the true suffering of a beast forced to ferry rebels around Hoth, but it’s a bit sucky nonetheless.

Make your experience of the snow a little less sucky by buying yourself this Star Wars T-Shirt. You can buy it at Nachomamatees.com where it’s available for $16.99. It comes in blue and there are lots of sizes to choose from. AS for me, I shall drink some cocoa and try to stave off hypothermia. Such fun.

 

Coffee T-Shirt – Me and my stupid mouth.

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons” – T.S. Eliot

My morning java is an important part of my life. Until I’ve had a cup, I’m utterly useless – something that I demonstrated this morning with real flair. So, a Coffee T-Shirt, and a brief story about how my idiocy manifests first thing in the morning.

So, after showering and getting dressed, I head downstairs in my new house to go make toast and coffee. As I’m waiting for the kettle to boil, one of my new housemates comes down and we exchange the pleasant good mornings. We’ve been very polite to each other, but I sense we’re both still in the ‘I-don’t-really-know-you-yet’ stage of housematehood. That’s fine. We’re nice enough to each other and I dare say we’ll strike up more meaningful conversations one day. Anyway, we had a brief chat, made a couple of jokes and then, as she was turning on the coffee maker, she noticed my mug of instant and asked if I’d like some real coffee. I enjoy real coffee as much as the next man, but first thing in the morning, I love instant coffee. My tastebuds aren’t really awake and the freeze-dried flavour is actually a bit comforting to me. I’ve always had instant coffee first thing in the morning and I love it. Now, this is what I should have conveyed to my housemate this morning when she offered me real coffee. But my brain decided to take a holiday at that point, saying “ok vocal chords, I trust you to handle this.” and, given this free reign, my mouth came up with the sentance:

“It’s ok. I have instant love.”

…what the hell was that!? Really!!? That’s not even a sentence! That doesn’t mean anything! Thanks mouth. Thanks for that slice of erudition worthy of Wilde or Wittgenstein. It’s as if that was my mouth’s version of a ‘watch this’ moment. Instant love!? It sounds like a really bad pick up line or an advert for viagra! I apologise for the amount of exclamation marks I’m using right now, but this situation has earned more than a few of them, as has my disbelief at the fact that my mouth is that stupid. Why not “It’s ok. I love instant coffee.”? Would that have been so difficult?! Am I so dense that that is beyond me? That’s the conversational equivalent of dribbling. People who say words like that should be made to wear rubber armbands and crash helmets all day. I’m such a prat before my first cup of coffee. Dear God… Anyway, my house mate went upstairs before I could even make a joke about how retarded that sounded, and I went about my day trying to claim that the coffee made me do it.

This Coffee Made Me Do It T-Shirt comes from wordsbrand.com where it costs between $17 and $24 US. It comes in plenty of styles, colours and sizes so you’re sure to find one that fits you. And I’m going to find my mouth some sort of restraining mechanism or gag so that I don’t go around informing anyone else of my ‘instant love’. Stupid coffee…

Potato T-Shirt – The jacket’s off and the chips are down.

Potato wedgie! Get it?

Ah, the humble potato. Long have I been an ardent fan of this marvellous vegetable. So I have been searching the internet for this Potato T-Shirt – a fair monument to the saviour of mankind’s meal times that is the simple spud.

I had a jacket potato for lunch today. That made me think about just how much we owe to this type of veg. It’s not a looker, is it? Never could this lumpy, brown little mud-dweller compete withe the majesty of an artichoke or an aubergine, but its wonder lies in its versatility and flavour. Some people say that potatoes are flavourless, but to those of us with a more delicate palate, its subtle taste is heaven. And that versatility! Chips, crisps, fries, roasties, new, baby new, jackets, mash, dauphinoise, sauté… the list goes on. I’ve even sampled a potato-based pizza! The wonders never cease. We can therefore forgive its homely looks, and instead praise it for what’s on the inside, and what it has the ability to become. If only people would do the same with me, I’d be the happiest man on the planet. Then, just when you don’t think the potato could possibly get any better, the chimps at  2smartmonkeys.com add a pun to the mix. Well that’s just glorious. A potato wedgie. That’s the sort of cleverness that civilisations are built on.

So, head over to 2smartmonkeys.com and grab your own. It will cost you £17.00, comes in black and two shades of grey, and it comes in the standard array of sizes. Give praise to the potato – if any food stuff has earned your admiration, surely it must be the spud.