Huckleberry Finn T-Shirt – Want to be gone fishin’

“The average man don’t like trouble and danger” – Mark Twain

Huck Finn is a bit of an old hero of mine. However, though I like the idea of floating down a broad river, fishing for my supper, I have a couple of issues with that. Ergo, here is a Huckleberry Finn T-Shirt.

As mentioned above, I like the idea of my rod dangling over the side of a boat (as the bishop said to the actress, etc) but I know that it just isn’t going to happen. Firstly, I can’t fish. I have tried several times and I know that it’s not for me. I’ve been nearly drowned, I’ve cut my digital artery on a swiss army knife (that was a fun trip to the doctor’s) and generally, I’ve had quite a miserable time. And aside from some minnows in a lemonade bottle, I’ve never caught anything. Between my father and some friends who are serious fisherman, I have studied under many and always come up short. Therefore, I can say without doubt, that Fishing is not for me. The other part of the problem of fishing for my supper is that I don’t like fish. Apart from the occasional scampy and the odd lobster, seafood appeals to me about as much as someone inserting a syringe of flesh-eating bacteria into my genitals. The smell of tuna makes me gag, and the sight of cod is more than off-putting. So it wouldn’t work. At all. Ever. And yet, I genuinely long for it. Or at least the idea of it. I have wept with longing and implored the heavens to give me the ability to disappear into the realm of endless days and quiet skies. I have worked and studied to find a route to it all, and yet there is none that will do, and so, it seems, it is at an end. My days of dreaming are sunk, gone down to the gloomy depths where the greatest myths and legends swim away into the dark oblivion of memory. It is all over, bar the shouting.

But, at least I can where a nice t-shirt, right? Well, this one was found at Fab.com where it currently costs $22 (reduced from $32 at the time of writing). It comes in green, it comes in sizes S, XL and 2XL, and was created by the brand Mojoware. So keep fishing, folks.

 

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Star Wars Episode IV T-Shirt – Do Do, Do Do, Do-do Doo-da-doo…

No Droids Allowed! – Their kind aren’t welcome here.

Last night, I watched Episode IV. I haven’t seen it in a long, long time (in a flat far, far away) and it was pretty awesome to watch it fresh. So, I’ve picked out this Star Wars Episode IV T-Shirt to help me celebrate a return to my favourite franchise of films.

Now, when I say I haven’t seen New Hope in a long, long time, that means about six months ago. Maybe a little more even(!). Of the original series, it was never my favourite, but watching it last night reminded me why it’s still a great film. Alec Guinness is brilliant, Darth Vader is the classic bad guy and Luke is the archetypal hero-in-the-making. It’s visually lush, the sound track is inspired and everything about it is original, from the sets to the costumes to the sound effects. It’s amazing how much this film particularly influenced those that followed it – and not just in the Sci-Fi genre. So many films have subtle hints, and several others have hearty nods to a film that really did revolutionise the films that followed it. It’s very easy to overlook it now – even to discredit it – but that’s because we’re so used to it being one of the biggest events in cinematic history. Anyway, back to film. The cantina scene remains one of my favourites. From Obi Wan cutting that guy’s arm off to the shots fired between Han and Greedo, it’s a scene that sets the tone for so much of the franchise. The dangers of alien worlds, the hostilities of space travel, the diversity of species and the awesomeness of lightsabers. Now, with the help of this excellent t-shirt, you can act like you’ve actually been there. And, if you’re a real Star Wars fan, you’re probably convinced that you have been there anyway.

If this is the New Hope T-Shirt you’re looking for, you can get it for yourself at shotdeadinthehead.com where it will cost you £17.99 (or 2,000 now, plus 15,000 when we reach Aldaraan). It comes in nine colours with sizes ranging from Jawa to Bantha (S-2XL). May the force be with you…

p.s. The “do do”s in the title are the opening notes to the Cantina Band song. Duh.

 

Anti-Gun T-Shirt – No need.

Unless you’re killing zombies, there’s no place for guns in a civilised world.

Ok, I’m going to sound like a proper hippy now. And I don’t like that. I’m not the hippy-sort. Yes, I have long hair, but it’s more rock than folk if you know what I mean. Anyway, here’s an Anti-Gun T-Shirt.

I don’t like commenting on the politics of other countries, but because I enjoy the USA so much, it does annoy and upset me that so often (far, far too often) there is a story in the news about someone shooting someone else. Or shooting lots of people. We have gun crime in the UK too. But it’s far more likely that UK gun crime revolves around farmers forgetting to renew their license than actual shootings (though sadly, sometimes that happens too). But it’s now reaching ridiculous proportions in the US. Guns for sport are fine – as long as they’re properly protected, but an Uzi or AK-47 has no place in sport. If you need an Uzi to hunt a deer, you’re a really crappy hunter. Consider taking up a different hobby that doesn’t require the ability to aim. After the tragic school shooting in the US at the end of 2012, the NRA actually proposed that guns should be in all schools, carried by official security personnel. Really!? Yeah, put kids next to guns. Nothing could go wrong there. I mean, how bloody stupid do you have to be? I don’t even get the handgun thing if I’m honest. But if you put yours down, you have to hope that the guy next to you puts his down too, and if he doesn’t you have to pick yours up again… it goes on and on. No one wants to be the first to drop his weapon, so no-one drops their weapons. Of course you could hide behind that 2nd amendment. The one about having a militia to protect you from, well, whoever. Who’s actually going to attack the US these days in a way that means having guns would do any good? The British Red Coats? The Ruskis? Zombie Bin Laden? It just doesn’t make any sense these days. But when you treat a 200 year old political document like Holy scripture, this is what happens. It’ll probably never change, but I wish it would.

Anyway, mini-rant over. This excellent t-shirt is a great way to show your opposition to the idea of guns, whether you live in the US, the Uk or anywhere else. You can get it on spreadshirt.co.uk, where it costs £16.46, comes in loads of colours and sizes range from S-XXL. Until the zombies happen, there’s just no need for the guns.

 

Vegetable T-Shirt – The pleasures of being lazy.

More slothful than a forest full of sloths.

It’s been a while since my last post. You’ll excuse me for taking a Christmas break. I’ve done very little with my time. I’ve been vegging (surely it should be ‘veging’ or ‘veg-ing’ but I’m going with the consensus spelling) out. Ergo, the Vegetable T-Shirt.

I have been doing my best impressions of vegetables in the last couple of days. Sitting like the archetypal couch potato and  lying in filth like a bulbous marrow, I have been wallowing, and how I have wallowed. For two days now, I have done nothing. It has been glorious. After a very hectic festive period, I’ve rewarded myself with blissful lethargy. I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek and Family Guy, consumed little else but chocolate and fizzy drinks. I’ve smoked my weight in cigarettes, had a couple of beers and taken at least two baths a day. It has been heaven, but it will soon come to an end. And that’s not a bad thing. Slight duties and activities would be welcome I’m sure. I have to continue moving to my new house and work will start again. Then there’s the whole New Year’s Eve thing. I’m sure I can handle getting back to doing some form of exercise a little more strenuous than lifting the TV remote. Well, maybe start with a big sandwich and work my way up to lifting myself out of the couch. We’ll see how it goes.

You can get this t-shirt for yourself from Esquire Clothing where, at the time of writing, it is reduced from £25.00 to £16.00 (very nice!). It comes in green, and sizes range from small to XL. Now, if only I could stop looking like a hairy pumpkin…

 

Mayan Calendar T-Shirt – For us survivors.

It’s the end of the world as w- oh, wait. Never mind.

Well, another end of the world that failed to materialise. I wore this Mayan Calendar T-Shirt in preparation and everything. Nothing. Not so much as a flaming comet or skyscraper-sized tidal wave. What a let down.

How are we supposed to prepare for the end of the world when people like the Mayans, Nostradamus and the developers who “discovered” the Millennium Bug have cried wolf so many times. Do you know what I did in preparation for today? I sat at my desk at work and then went outside for a smoke. Hardly what I’d like to do at the end of the world, but that’s because I just didn’t believe. What would I do if I could be sure the world was ending? Not sure, but it’d be a damn sight more exciting than spreadsheets and a single Winston Blue. So what did happen? Well, a lot of idiots looked even more idiotic. REM got a lot richer. News presenters looked smug (I mean more than usual). That was about the sum of it. I’m not saying that I want to see the end of the world, but flaming meteorites, giant monsters, aliens, earthquakes and the like would sure go a long way to breaking up an otherwise dull friday in December. A few screams instead of yawns would shake things up a little bit (…that doesn’t make me sound weird at all). Oh, well. Maybe next time.

There are lots of End Of The World T-Shirts out there, but I found this one on spreadshirt.com. It costs $17.30, comes in sizes ranging from small to XXL and plenty of colours. Well, until the next ancient society predicts global destruction (probably next year) we’ll just have to get by on the memories.

p.s. The other reason I didn’t throw myself into a binge of narcotics and prostitutes (yeah, that’s probably what I’d do) was because the Mayans never said the world would end today, but people like hyping these things up and I’m just shamelessly riding the bandwagon to get a post out of it. So there you go.

 

Fat T-Shirt – Well, that’s my resolution sorted then.

FEEEED MEEE! …no, wait.

I got fat. I was never really thin, but I got myself down to being a larger-than-normal normal guy. Now, I appear to be a fat guy again. I’m going to get this Fat T-Shirt to help motivate myself to drop a few pounds (stone) in the new year.

I’d like to say that I don’t know how it happened but, alas, I do. I have an appalling diet, I drink too much and I don’t do nearly enough exercise. I used to run a bit, and eat that green stuff called… er… fruit, but not so much these days. I exist on a “diet” of chocolate and fast food. And beer. And never running anywhere ever anymore. I don’t even get time to walk anywhere really. Well, I do have time but other things like painting, working and playing on an xbox seem to get in the way a bit. Well, today I saw myself in a full length mirror for the first time in a while. I got proper fat all over again. The hotel room I’m staying in right now has loads of these mirrors all over the place and I’ve been trying not to look in them, but this morning I saw the full extent of the devastation that my “lifestyle” has had on me. It was pretty horrific. And terrifying. But it’s not like I can do anything about it now. Start a diet and exercise just before Xmas? Pffftt! Yeah. That’ll work. Therefore, I shall enjoy Christmas, just as I always do. There will be dinners, lunches, brunches and drinks and I’m damned if I’m going to miss out on that stuff. But when 2013 rolls around, I am going to force myself to do something. I’ve got guts to get rid of, flab to fight and excess rolls to burn off. I may fit into a large t-shirt (instead of an XL) before too long.

I discovered this t-shirt on spreadshirt.com where it costs $20.20. This version comes in sizes S-XXL and there are loads of colours available (I picked green to remind me of healthy food). If  sweat is fat crying, then my blubber will be bawling like a kid with a skinned knee throughout next year. Bring it on.

 

Grumpy Cat T-Shirt – Now this is my kind of kitty!

“Grumpy Cat! Do you like this t-shirt?” “No.”

 

Ah, Grumpy Cat – also known as Tard, or Tardar Sauce. I’m not one for being overly enthusiastic about internet memes, but every time I see this feline curmudgeon, I do tend to giggle. So it’s only proper that a Grumpy Cat T-shirt exists. Even if it is just for girls.

She’s about a year old now, which, going by cat lifespans, means we may only have another 12 years to enjoy what I think is the most enchanting cat in the world right now. I mentioned her in the last post on this blog, and as that post was all about me being grumpy, Grumpy Cat would make a great pet for me. Alas, she already has some very lucky and very lovely owners who love her despite of (or perhaps because of) her crabby expression. Even the memes, which usually get old after you’ve seen one – how many times must a man “not simply” do something before you get bored of the meme? – are still amusing me. Not all of them, but there are some good ones out there, and I still like the original video. I hope we’ll keep seeing Tard in new photos and videos over the years. Cats only get grumpier with age and in a few years, this little kitty will be able to burn a hole in your brain with her delightful grumpiness.

As mentioned, alas this tee is only for girls (though there are other grumpy cat tees out there). I found it on customizedgirl.com where it costs $22.97, comes in sizes Small to 2XL and there are loads and loads of colours to choose from. Tard will surely be happy to see this tee… oh, yeah, no she won’t.

Christmas Party T-Shirt – Yippee ki yay…

“Come out to the Christmas party, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”

It’s that time of year again. The Christmas party at the place where I work happens tonight. In fact, as I wrote this last night, it’ll be happening at the time this goes up on the site. Alas, I won’t be wearing this Christmas Party T-Shirt.

Our festive shindigs tend to be pretty entertaining. Someone will get plastered early, there will be some sort of gossip-worthy event and there will be people heading off to a disreputable club afterwards. However, very rarely is it hijacked by international terrorists led by Alan Rickman. In fact, I don’t recall a single instance of this happening. Which is upsetting. I want to spend at least one night a year wearing a vest, carrying an automatic weapon and fighting against German-accented enemies. It’s not fair, darn it! However, I can sublimate this by watching Die Hard – the best Christmas film ever. And if you don’t think it’s a Christmas film, you’re a fool. I’m sure I once read in the bible about how Mary and Joseph only went to bethlehem to go to the Christmas party of Joseph’s ex which was being held in a high rise building that got taken over by terrorists. Or something like that. So, if you want to spice up your own Christmas party, you can either go to LA and get glass stuck in your feet, or you can wear this Die Hard T-Shirt. The choice is yours.

I found this tee at spreadshirt.com and it was designed by ThirdStringShirts. It costs $25.69 (+p&p) and comes in lots of colours with sizes going from S to XXL. I’m sure if Mr Nakatomi were alive today, he’d be wearing one to his Christmas do. Honour his memory by doing the same.

 

Take The Pith T-Shirt – Orange you glad I found this one.

Have a zest for life? Need a gift for a new squeeze?

I’ve admired this tee for a long time now, and for some reason, I never put it onto this blog. Now’s the time to set that straight. here, for your pleasure, is the Take The Pith T-Shirt. Enjoy.

Now, I could just take this opportunity to come up with a vast array of fruit-based puns and, in part, I shall. However, I shall also wax lyrical about the excellent design qualities of this tee. Add a cute illustration to a clever pun and stick it onto a t-shirt, I’m going to enjoy it, and this is one of the best I’ve seen. It’s brought to you by Sparrow Legs, a student (although the bio was created some time ago so let’s hope they got a job) who appears to have only designed a single tee. Well, if you’re going to do one, make it a good one, though with talent like this we must hope for more of these designs in the future. Now, back to the punning. Though one could talk at length about what’s so a-peeling about this shirt, the idea is pipped to the post by the idea of some ripe punning. Citric to making good puns… actually, that’ll do. I’m starting to give myself a headache. Kumquat may, this is a good t-shirt, and… *dies of over-punning*

So, get this Orange T-shirt (which technically isn’t an orange t-shirt – it’s green, but then you do get green oranges…) by heading over to spunky.co.uk. It’s only available in sizes small and XL at the moment, but it’s reduced slightly to £22.49 at the time of writing, so grab it quick to save. I’m now off to have punning therapy. I obviously have a problem.

 

Life Of Brian T-Shirt – Romani Ite Domum!

What’s so special about the Cheesemakers?

I may not be the Messiah (and I do tend to be more of a very naughty boy) but I know a good tee when I see one, and this Life Of Brian T-Shirt is a cracker. By Jehovah it’s good! *gets stoned*

There are some films that the nerdier among us can quote verbatim. Every line. Even the lines that aren’t funny (not that there are many of those in this film). I don’t need to see this film ever again (though I dare say I’ll see it another 1000 times because it’s awesome) but I think I should have the t-shirt to show my allegiance. After all, the People’s Front Of Judea do important work. And it’s not like the Romans have ever done anything for us! Apart from the… never mind. The important thing is that they’re not the Judean People’s Front, nor are they the Popular Front (Splitter!). With Reg, Brian and the others, they can really change things if they get the chance. It’s an awesome film and one of the Monty Python gang’s greatest achievements. And this is a cracking garment fresh from the drawing board of Brit-com-tee makers Layer Eight. The “fight-the-power” fist, coupled with the combat green, mean this is worthy of Jehovah himself! *gets stoned again*

I found this gem on notonthehighstreet.com where it costs a most reasonable £25. It only comes in green and the sizes available range from Small to XXL. Alas, it’s out of stock at the moment, but it says it’s coming back in stock in early December, so you should still be able to get it in time for Christmas, or Brian-mas as we call it in my house. Now, if you’ve not read this by sunrise, I’ll cut your balls off.