Friendly Monster T-Shirt – Like looking in a mirror.

“I have never seen a greater monster of miracle in the world than myself” – Michel de Montaigne

Yes, I am in one of my bleaker moods and have been dwelling within my own dark philosophies for a while now. You know how it goes. Self-deprecation, self-loathing, etc. Therefore, here is a Monster T-Shirt. Very fitting.

I apologise for my somewhat regular strolls into the shadows of my own mind. This is a t-shirt blog and yet you have to listen to me prattle on about the inanities and idiocies of my own thoughts about a hundred subjects that have nothing to do with t-shirts. Sucks to be you – or me for that matter. But, as this is my blog, I get to say what goes on here and it’s quite a good way to help get all the wretched neuroses out of my daily life. I don’t know what set it off this time, and nor do I particularly care. No doubt it was ridiculous and inconsequential in and of itself, and yet like that evil butterfly that flaps its wings in South America, it has has created a hurricane of angst, doubt and delusions here. All that is wrong is pushed to the fore of my mind. From my non-existent love life, to my fading social appeal, to my desperate attempts to be creative. It is like being surrounded by horrors that scowl and grin at me, mocking my attempts to be anything beyond the wasted potential that I am now. Lost in a sea of mediocrity and missed opportunities, I know not how to be anything else. I am the unexciting sort of monster who cowers in his cave, afraid of the light and abhorrent to the rest of his species. Such is life. I dare say I’ll cheer up eventually – it tends to happen – but I must serve my sentence in misery to earn my time in the sun. The most I can hope for at the moment, like the monster in this illustration, is to be present while others are happy, and hope that it rubs off on me.

Aside from my self-invented problems, this is a gorgeous and beautiful t-shirt. The illustrator has created something truly charming and should be very proud of a very pleasing design. I found this on Uncovet.com. It costs $25.00, comes in grey, and is available in women’s sizes ranging from Small to XL.

 

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Together Is Better T-Shirt – For charity.

‘The long-lasting love of a family is more healing than a band-aid could ever be.’ – Unknown

I don’t do nearly enough good deeds. Sure, I rescue kittens from burning buildings on regular occasions, but it’s less charitable when you start the fires yourself. So, to make up for all of that, here’s a Together Is Better T-Shirt – the proceeds of which go to charity.

What’s better than treating yourself to a new t-shirt? How about treating yourself to a new t-shirt which then helps make life better for families facing really tough times. This shirt comes to you from the Ronald MacDonald Housing Charities who do amazing work to ensure that, when children get sick, and have to spend some time in the hospital, their parents or guardians have somewhere to live close by. Ideally next door. By doing this, children and parents get to spend more time together, and they get to experience something as close to a normal life as possible. And yes, it is that Ronald MacDonald. I may hate his burgers, but consarnit, I think he does good charity work. And the kids think he’s pretty fun too. If you want to raise some money for them or donate to their cause, you can find their main site right here. It’ll help you get to heaven, wipe your conscience clean, and you get to help some sick children and their parents too. Do it! Do it now!

This Charity T-Shirt sports the Together = Better logo, and is available from rmhcshop.org.uk. It comes in grey, sizes range from Small to 2XL and it’l cost you just £8.00. That’s a great price, and all of that dosh goes straight into the charity’s coffers so they can build new houses and make people’s lives a bit better. Nice.

 

Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt – Getting Lost

I’m Late! I’m Late! I’m Late!

A little while ago, you’ll remember that I looked at a Cheshire Cat shirt, which got me thinking about the whole Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass thing. And some minor gripes I have with it. As I ramble on about that for a while, here’s an Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt for you to enjoy.

Do you know what I’d do if I saw a fully-clothed, talking rabbit run down into its hole? I’d go home, build a cage, catch the little sod the next day and make millions in the show business world. The last thing I would do, even if I were small enough to do so, is scramble down the rabbit hole after him. That’s just idiotic. Alice got what she deserved as far as I’m concerned. I enjoyed these books when I read them many years ago, but I always had a few questions regarding certain aspects of the plot. Enough of it weirded me out that by the time I got to the caterpillar, I’d have bought half an ounce off him and just got stoned. Who wants to run around in that nightmare? It would have made the Mad Hatter’s tea party a darn sight more bearable too. As for my aforementioned favourite character, the Cheshire Cat, he seems like the most normal person in Wonderland. …I jest of course, but despite how much I enjoy these books, I still like to think that I might have done one or two things differently to Alice. And I’d probably have never left – why would you? All the oysters, tea, caterpillar dope, drunk mice and talking cats you could ever want. I still think I’d have caught that damn rabbit though.

I discovered this delightful ladies Wonderland T-Shirt at notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by Not For Ponies, costs £25, comes in grey with sizes ranging from small to large. So, ladies, if you’re a fan of the Alice books, this should be the perfect tee for you. Enjoy!

 

Captain Britain T-Shirt – Time to become Brian Braddock

If I’m going to fit into that costume, there’s work to be done. Lots of it.

One of my all time favourite comic book heroes, Captain Britain is a great character, and not just a UK clone of Captain America as many people think. So, to educate you, and to inspire myself a little, I’ve found a Captain Britain T-Shirt for you.

I first came across the character of Brian Braddock, aka Captain Britain in eXcalibur many years ago, as he was heading up the British/European version of the X-Men. He had a lot of the traditional superhero traits. He was tough, could lift 100 tons and fly, but he could also be a bit of a laugh – see his battle with The Juggernaut to witness a very British sense of humour. He’s Psylocke’s brother, he roomed with Spiderman at college, and was given some of his powers by Merlin (yes, that Merlin). He also had help from the writing of Alan Moore at one point which really developed his character and made him unique. That’s why I liked him – I could identify more with him than almost any other mutant or superhero. With all of that in mind, my best mate and I did once pledge to go to Comic Con dressed as Judge Dredd (him) and Captain Britain (me), and I’d like to be able to do that. Why can’t I? Well, I done got pretty fat over the last couple of years. I’ve got a bad diet and I ain’t exercising nearly as much as I should these days. All of that has to change. So I’m using the Captain Britain idea to inspire me a bit. By July, even if I don’t head to San Diego, I want to be able to pull on a costume like his and look good. That means eating greens and not much of anything else, going for a few runs and pumping some iron. That starts now. Watch this space, and feel free to shout a bit of encouragement at me.

So, to inspire me, I shall be grabbing a Captain Britain Tee. I found this one at superherohaven.com, but I’m going to have to wait because it’s out of stock everywhere I looked. This one comes in grey and is £17.99. Well, maybe when it comes back in stock, I’ll be able to order a large instead of an extra large. That’s the goal anyway.

 

Ministry Of Silly Walks T-Shirt – Yes, Mr Teabag.

May I see your silly walk?

For at least the third time on this blog, I’m looking at a Monty Python T-Shirt. I feel this is a good thing. Especially when this Ministry Of Silly Walks T-Shirt highlights one of the all-time classics of the show.

I was stood in the street the other day, outside work, having a cigarette and I began to people watch. It’s a naturally occurring phenomenon. Have people, will watch. Anyway, as I studied the humans that passed by, something struck me, figuratively speaking (no one threw anything at me is what I mean). I have an awesome gait. Seriously. People walk funny. I never thought of myself as particularly graceful, but looking at the rest of you, I realised that my strides are consistent and smooth, my footfalls light but firm, and my balance is exceptional. The rest of you all jolt and stomp and stumble around like you’re still getting used to shoes while I have the air of elegance about my strolling. I’m proud. But as long as I watched, I saw no really silly walks. I’d love to see you doing a John Cleese impression by flicking out your toes, twisting your knees and swivelling your hips, but you don’t. No wonder the Ministry of Silly Walks doesn’t get the funding it used to get. You lot wouldn’t even get a research fellowship at La Marche Futile! As for me, I’m lobbying parliament for a Ministry of Elegant Walks. I shall let you know if I get anywhere with that one.

This John Cleese T-Shirt is available from Notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by the talented lot at Layer Eight, it comes in grey or blue, with sizes going from small to XXL. All of that for just £25. A price by the way which is now equal to the paltry weekly allowance offered by the MoSW. Stupid government cuts…

 

Sweet T-Shirt – Let’s not be sour about this.

“Change in all things is sweet” – Aristotle

Ok, so that last post was a bit bitter. It was a full on “I hate everything” moment. I still hold much of it to be true, but there is some sweetness in the world. Not in my world, but the world in general. So here’s a very Sweet T-Shirt to make you go “Awww…” instead of “Aarrgghh!!!”.

This delightful looking cupcake-themed tee is very lovely. It’s as cute as a button (not that I spend much time noticing the cuteness of buttons – stupid turn of phrase) and just darling. It’s so sweet that I can only taste sugar, and have now developed diabetes! It’s so sweet… Nope. Can’t do it. It is very sweet but I’m not the sort of person who does sweet really. Apart from occasional videos featuring kittens and a penchant for the romantic (not that I ever get a chance to show that off), I’m not really about sweetness. I’m cynical, distrustful and dismissive of anything that appears to be too ‘nice’ or ‘lovely’. Yes, it’s part of the problem. I know that. Anyway, I really like the design of this tee. It is cute, but it also has an edge to it. There are skulls, bad grammar, evidence of physical harm, fangs and anthropomorphising food is an indication of cannibal tendencies. Ok, so I made that last one up, but I could believe it. I think this is a very cool shirt, and am only sad that I could only find a girl’s version.

This Cupcake T-Shirt is available from Attitudeclothing.co.uk where it costs £21.99. In women’s fit, it comes in grey, and sizes range from small to XL. I’m off to neck a bottle of honey and rub a kilo of granulated into my skin. Try and make myself sweeter. Yeah.

 

Hammerhead Shark T-Shirt – Going a bit deeper…

There’s an ocean in here.

So, I’ve been away from you for a couple of days now. Sorry about that. I think I had brain fever or something. At one stage, during a temperature-induced hallucination, I saw an ocean in myself. And to symbolise this, here’s a Shark T-Shirt. A millpond it weren’t.

Sweat-soaked, pounding headache, dry-tongue… the last fews days haven’t been particularly pleasant. I felt nauseated every time I stood up. On the mend now, but for a couple of days, I was in a pretty ropey way. But worst of all were the dreams. Writhing apparitions seared themselves into my dreams, babbling, ranting and whispering prophecies, secrets and formulas. Ghosts of the past showing me the different paths I could have walked, and spectres of the future laying out the maps I may choose to take in the days and years ahead. Mistakes made manifest between my thoughts, duelling with triumphs. It got pretty intense. I maintain my illness may well have been psychosomatic, and a product of the philosophising I’ve been doing of late about my life and what it could be or should be or what I would will it to be. Or I caught a bug. Either or. The point is that I rediscovered the ocean of imagination, emotion and intelligence that I’ve been missing of late. It is a deep ocean within my thoughts that I need to reconnect to. But lurking just below its surface, are sharks. Circling and daring me to enter and make it to depths that they cannot reach. That’s why I went looking for this t-shirt. It’s also why I’m telling you that for a little while, posts here won’t be so regular. I’ve got a lot of junk in my brain I need to clean up and that takes priority, so for a little while at least, BigScaryTees will be a bit quieter. Still plenty of cool tees to look at, but maybe only one or two new ones a week. We’ll see.

If you’re a fan of bizarre mental activities, or just a fan of fish or sea-dwelling predators, you can find this tee at spreadshirt.com where it costs CAD$22.21. Sizes range from Small to XXL, there are loads of colours and alternative styles to choose from. And remember: If you’re going to dip your toe in the water, it’s better to just dive in and face what lurks beneath.

 

Eye T-Shirt – I can be really stupid sometimes.

That’s one in the eye.

Ever do something so stupid you can’t actually believe you’ve done it? Every now and again, I do just such a stupid thing and that’s why I’ve found this Eye T-Shirt. Allow me to explain…

It’s January, and that means a long month when it comes to money. Recovering from Christmas and having a really long month to get through means spending some time indoors, eating cheap soup and bread and enjoying all the free entertainment you can get. I’m broke as a joke, boracic lint and very much potless, so I had a quiet weekend. I did very little and barely left the house in an effort to not venture too deep into the depths of my overdraft. I did some painting to help pass the time and as well as nerding it up with those Grey Knights I mentioned a few posts prior to the this one, I also started on a new canvas. It’s nice to get the acrylics out and dab, scrape and brush away. Makes me very happy anyway. So, there I am, doing some fine detail work on the picture, hunched over so that my face is right over my brush. Then I lean in to take a closer look at the strokes, not remembering to take the brush out of the way before I do so. The thin wooden shaft went straight into my eye, or rather just to the side of the eyeball but still into the squishy area. Painful? Yes. Unpleasant? Certainly. A stupid, dumb-ass, idiotic thing to do? You know it was. How am I that special that I can even do that to myself?! I’ve done several particularly ludicrously dopey things in my time, and this is up there in my top 3. So this morning, my eye was swollen, slightly bruised and a bit blurry, but I’ll recover from the discomfort. The embarrassment may take longer to get over.

Anyway, my ridiculousness aside, this very fitting tee is brought to you by Toy Machine and you can get hold of it at tumyeto.com. It costs $19.00, comes in Charcoal (I think there’s a black version too), and sizes available include S, L and XL. I’m going to go and take some more painkillers and hope that my swelling goes down.

 

Francis Bacon T-Shirt – The simple joy of painting

Because there is no greater escape than art.

This Francis Bacon T-Shirt is not only damn well correct (well, he was a very smart cookie), but it’s also very pleasing to look at. And tonight, I’m going to do a little bit of painting, and I’m going to love it.

Every day my brain creates billions of thoughts. So many that I can barely hear myself think. So many that by the end of the day, I’m overwhelmed by them. It’s not a boast, but a lament. If you’ve got a high IQ and a touch of dyslexia like me, you may know exactly what I mean. It’s like drowning in your own brain. Well, when I get home tonight, I’m going to empty my mind of thoughts. Buddha did this by sitting under a bodhi tree and saying “Om” (so I understand). I do this by painting. I let my imagination take over and I let it do something simple. Now, this is no state to compose a masterpiece in. I don’t think I could approach a canvas in that state. No, I’m going to paint something the needs nothing else than a fraction of my imagination and a steady hand. I’ve got some Grey Knight Terminators to work on (look it up if you don’t know – Man dollies of the nerdiest order) and I’m going to enjoy the simple process of following lines and practicing effects. This is not art, but painting. Every now and again, I will get a canvas prepared and test my imagination to the max, but tonight, I want to relax with a quiet, geeky little project that will calm my nerves, chill me out, and get me through another day. If I do that, and keep going, then eventually, I’ll get to the stage where I can tackle something more artistically complex, but tonight I want simple. I’m sure Francis would have understood. I paint because I want to be loved too (sounds like a slight contradiction when it’s this geeky), but I also paint because sometimes, I like to forget that love even exists, along with the rest of the world. I seek only oblivion in a small room.

This wonderfully illustrated Painting T-Shirt is brought to you by culturelabel.com. It costs £19.80, sizes range from small to XL, and it comes in grey. There are also some more colourful kids’ versions on the site too. So, I suggest, if you’re feeling stressed, you should go and do something simple, quietly fun and good for you. Enjoy your evenings.

 

Avengers T-Shirt – My Movie of 2012

“Puny God” – The Incredible Hulk

There can only be one movie of 2012 and, for me at least, it’s a pretty easy choice. The Avengers was, for all geeks, a work of brilliance. Therefore, it’s only right that I have an Avengers T-Shirt to go with it.

The last 40 minutes. Just when the portal opens and the six of them are there, in Manhattan, getting ready to fight alien monstrosities. That’s what made this film so brilliant for me. It’s so gloriously, geekily magnificent that I start jumping up and down with excitement when it gets close. And there are certain lines. “I’m bringing the party to you”, “I’m always angry”, “We have a Hulk”, “And Hulk: Smash.”… there are others too. They bring out the eight year old in me. It’s amazing. To have that cast, directed by Joss Whedon (who I have a serious geek-man-crush on – Firefly!), with that story line… It’s a nerdgasm of mammoth proportions. If you didn’t catch it, you should see this film as any remotely geeky person will think all the more of you. And ladies, if you want to get a geeky guy, quote a single line from Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow character and he will propose to you there and then. This film made my year in ways that the frankly disappointing third instalment of the Batman films or Prometheus were never going to do. The only annoying thing is that I have to wait until 2015 until the sequel. So, it’s a hands-down win for The Avengers in my film of 2012 chart.

This t-shirt comes from Play.com where it costs just £7.99. It comes in grey with sizes from Small to XXL (though at the time of writing only a couple of sizes are in stock). I still believe in heroes, and this film helped me affirm that belief. Love it.