Jaws T-Shirt – Can I wear this in the ocean?

‘Duh… Duh… Duh… Duh… Duh Duh Duh Duh DuhDuhDuhDuh’

Jaws is one of those iconic films that everyone knows, even if they haven’t seen it. It preys on your fears and turns any calm and peaceful ocean into a terrifying pool of blood and death. Ergo, here’s a Jaws T-Shirt.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, a giant mechanical shark appears. But for all of the nightmares and irrational fears it has sparked, it was Steven Spielberg himself who suffered the most at the hands of this beast. An impressive prop, it looked all set to be the star of the film alongside Rod Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss, but then the problems started. As soon as they put it into the water, it started to rust and warp quite rapidly. Animating it was almost impossible and despite how impressive it looked, on camera, it just looked like a big fake shark. That’s why it appears only very briefly in the film. But then, that’s why it’s so terrifying. You spend the whole film waiting and waiting – building up the tension and nerves and stress. Apart from fleeting glimpses, it’s only at the end of the film that you get a good look at the monster. So that’s one reason I’m showing you this today. The other reason is because it’s now a very Spring-ish Summer and a lot of you will be heading to the beach this weekend. Just be careful when you get into the water. You never know what’s lurking beneath the surface…

It’s becoming a genuine pleasure to find a new t-shirt from Layer Eight who are masters of turning films and tv shows into fashionable tees. This one features the Amity Island logo and the colours are perfect. A great looking shirt. I discovered this it on notonthehighstreet.com, where it costs £25, comes in blue, and sizes range from small to XXL. So whether you’re a dogfish or a whale shark, there’s something for you here. Enjoy!

P.s. Alas, people have a rather irrational hatred of sharks. Yes, they can be dangerous but then they are predators. And then there are also the morons eating Shark fin soup – the procurement of which is frankly barbaric. Sharks need a little help too sometimes, so if you feel like helping to make the lives of sharks a little easier, I urge you to donate to The Sharks Trust. Do it!

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The Horror T-Shirt – Apocalypse Now Time.

“Have you ever considered any real freedoms? Freedom from the opinions of others… even the opinions of yourself?”

Apocalypse now is a legendary film. Even the making of it is legendary (heart attacks, cyclones, et al). And the book that inspired it, Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad is equally as powerful. This Horror T-Shirt symbolises where I feel I’m getting to. And the Brando quote above is most apt. The horror. The horror…

Remember how I was talking about change a few posts back? Well, I’ve been studying some of the more potent metamorphoses that have occurred in fiction and the change in Colonel Kurtz in both Apocalypse Now and Heart of Darkness is arguably the most powerful. A soldier with perfect discipline who disappears into the jungle and realises who he is and what the world is to such an extent that he simply can’t go back to what he was before. He has walked to the very edge, stared into the abyss, felt it stare back at him and realised that he was the abyss. Every fault in the world is a fault within him. This is what I have arrived at. Now, I’m not about to go and hide in the jungle and become a violent cult-leader (chance would be a fine thing). No, I’m merely acknowledging that I am the problem, not the world around me. It is my ugliness, created and sculpted by my own opinions that is making my life worse. It is my concern over who I am now that is preventing me from being who I want to be. I am fat, ugly and unsociable, but I have to stop letting that hold me back. I’m not the only fat, ugly and unsociable person in the world. And I’m not the worst of them either. I must shrug off the world, discard opinion and decide for myself. There. That got deep quick, eh? Feeling uncomfortable yet?

So, if you’re having your own philosophical moment, or if you’re just a fan of the book/film, you can get this Apocalypse Now T-Shirt at Blueraytshirts.co.uk. It’s available in black, comes in sizes S-XXL and costs £13.99. Who knows what piece of fiction will influence my life next…

 

International T-Shirts – Meet National identi-T

From left to right: Canada, Spain, Scotland.

National identity is something I’ve never really been that interested in before, and it can be a very odd concept. It can also be dangerous. That’s why it’s nice to find a company that makes T-Shirts and celebrate the best things about nations from all over the world. These International T-Shirts are an excellent way of showcasing the things that make countries from around the world fun, unique and special.

Above, I’ve picked three of my favourite countries. I love the warmth and friendliness of Canada, and I’m a fan of Ice Hockey too. I love the relaxed way of life and art of Spain, while that bull reminds me of childhood holidays. As for Scotland, well it’s my spiritual homeland, full of astounding scenery and beauty. These are just three of a wide range of tees provided by National identi-T who choose to represent the creativity and traditions of countries around the world, rather than their history or national beliefs. It’s all about looking for the fun in a country, and the things that make it singular and wonderful, and portraying that on a tee. Great idea. It’s so much better than tired old flags and sports tops. It’s subtle and friendly, rather than being about competition or shouting. And you can purchase them for a number of reasons too, as I’m finding out just thinking about it. I’ve chosen three of my favourite countries that I’ve visited before, but I could have gone for the countries that I want to go to, or the country that I came from. So many options and stunning designs too.

I discovered this charming and clever company on notonthehighstreet.com where all of the adult shirts are available for £22.50 and there are 20 countries to choose from. I think all of the designs are delightful and I’m sure you’ll enjoy them too.

 

Star Wars Episode IV T-Shirt – Do Do, Do Do, Do-do Doo-da-doo…

No Droids Allowed! – Their kind aren’t welcome here.

Last night, I watched Episode IV. I haven’t seen it in a long, long time (in a flat far, far away) and it was pretty awesome to watch it fresh. So, I’ve picked out this Star Wars Episode IV T-Shirt to help me celebrate a return to my favourite franchise of films.

Now, when I say I haven’t seen New Hope in a long, long time, that means about six months ago. Maybe a little more even(!). Of the original series, it was never my favourite, but watching it last night reminded me why it’s still a great film. Alec Guinness is brilliant, Darth Vader is the classic bad guy and Luke is the archetypal hero-in-the-making. It’s visually lush, the sound track is inspired and everything about it is original, from the sets to the costumes to the sound effects. It’s amazing how much this film particularly influenced those that followed it – and not just in the Sci-Fi genre. So many films have subtle hints, and several others have hearty nods to a film that really did revolutionise the films that followed it. It’s very easy to overlook it now – even to discredit it – but that’s because we’re so used to it being one of the biggest events in cinematic history. Anyway, back to film. The cantina scene remains one of my favourites. From Obi Wan cutting that guy’s arm off to the shots fired between Han and Greedo, it’s a scene that sets the tone for so much of the franchise. The dangers of alien worlds, the hostilities of space travel, the diversity of species and the awesomeness of lightsabers. Now, with the help of this excellent t-shirt, you can act like you’ve actually been there. And, if you’re a real Star Wars fan, you’re probably convinced that you have been there anyway.

If this is the New Hope T-Shirt you’re looking for, you can get it for yourself at shotdeadinthehead.com where it will cost you £17.99 (or 2,000 now, plus 15,000 when we reach Aldaraan). It comes in nine colours with sizes ranging from Jawa to Bantha (S-2XL). May the force be with you…

p.s. The “do do”s in the title are the opening notes to the Cantina Band song. Duh.

 

Avengers T-Shirt – My Movie of 2012

“Puny God” – The Incredible Hulk

There can only be one movie of 2012 and, for me at least, it’s a pretty easy choice. The Avengers was, for all geeks, a work of brilliance. Therefore, it’s only right that I have an Avengers T-Shirt to go with it.

The last 40 minutes. Just when the portal opens and the six of them are there, in Manhattan, getting ready to fight alien monstrosities. That’s what made this film so brilliant for me. It’s so gloriously, geekily magnificent that I start jumping up and down with excitement when it gets close. And there are certain lines. “I’m bringing the party to you”, “I’m always angry”, “We have a Hulk”, “And Hulk: Smash.”… there are others too. They bring out the eight year old in me. It’s amazing. To have that cast, directed by Joss Whedon (who I have a serious geek-man-crush on – Firefly!), with that story line… It’s a nerdgasm of mammoth proportions. If you didn’t catch it, you should see this film as any remotely geeky person will think all the more of you. And ladies, if you want to get a geeky guy, quote a single line from Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow character and he will propose to you there and then. This film made my year in ways that the frankly disappointing third instalment of the Batman films or Prometheus were never going to do. The only annoying thing is that I have to wait until 2015 until the sequel. So, it’s a hands-down win for The Avengers in my film of 2012 chart.

This t-shirt comes from Play.com where it costs just £7.99. It comes in grey with sizes from Small to XXL (though at the time of writing only a couple of sizes are in stock). I still believe in heroes, and this film helped me affirm that belief. Love it.

 

Christmas Party T-Shirt – Yippee ki yay…

“Come out to the Christmas party, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”

It’s that time of year again. The Christmas party at the place where I work happens tonight. In fact, as I wrote this last night, it’ll be happening at the time this goes up on the site. Alas, I won’t be wearing this Christmas Party T-Shirt.

Our festive shindigs tend to be pretty entertaining. Someone will get plastered early, there will be some sort of gossip-worthy event and there will be people heading off to a disreputable club afterwards. However, very rarely is it hijacked by international terrorists led by Alan Rickman. In fact, I don’t recall a single instance of this happening. Which is upsetting. I want to spend at least one night a year wearing a vest, carrying an automatic weapon and fighting against German-accented enemies. It’s not fair, darn it! However, I can sublimate this by watching Die Hard – the best Christmas film ever. And if you don’t think it’s a Christmas film, you’re a fool. I’m sure I once read in the bible about how Mary and Joseph only went to bethlehem to go to the Christmas party of Joseph’s ex which was being held in a high rise building that got taken over by terrorists. Or something like that. So, if you want to spice up your own Christmas party, you can either go to LA and get glass stuck in your feet, or you can wear this Die Hard T-Shirt. The choice is yours.

I found this tee at spreadshirt.com and it was designed by ThirdStringShirts. It costs $25.69 (+p&p) and comes in lots of colours with sizes going from S to XXL. I’m sure if Mr Nakatomi were alive today, he’d be wearing one to his Christmas do. Honour his memory by doing the same.

 

Glennz Tees – Some more great designs.

Clockwise from top left: Arch Enemies, Gummi Alien, Practice Range, Air Guitar.

A few months back, I looked at a selection of my favourite Glennz Tees, and now I’m going to look at even more of them. Why? Because they’re just too damn awesome.

Why don’t I focus on one at a time like I do with all the other tees? Well, if I did that, there’d be a Glennz t-shirt reviewed and talked about every day. The output of quality, wonderful t-shirts is just too good and I may as well have just called this the bigscaryglennztees blog. I’m not gushing or sucking up – just go take a look at their site and see if you can find a bad design. I can’t. Each tee has me amused, ranging from quiet giggles to full on RAOTFLMAOYSST (Rolling Around On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off Yet Somehow Still Typing – I stole that from Bill Bailey). Because of this exceptional pedigree in tee production, I’ve picked out another four faves. Don’t forget that Christmas is coming and these will make great gifts for t-shirt fans. So, going clockwise from top left we have…

Arch Enemies – Do penguins even know what bats look like? I hope so.

Gummi Alien – Chest-bursters have never been so delicious.

Practice Range – No need to carp on about this one.

Air Guitar – New meaning to the term “Pump up the music”

All of these shirts cost $21.95 and come in plenty of sizes and the colours shown. Glennz don’t do massive runs of their shirts, so if you want one, it’s always best to act with alacrity and fork over the moolah pronto. I dare say I’ll pick out even more of their tees for this blog soon, so keep reading for future updates.

 

Ninja T-Shirt – End of an era (that nobody saw)

All we’ve got left are turtles. *sad face*

It’s only right that I take a look at a Ninja T-Shirt today, after yesterday’s sad news that Ninjas will soon be extinct and a thing of the past. Of course, we still have the Turtles, but even they’re not safe.

It’s true. It’s tragic, but it’s true. Those men of legend, dressed in black and carrying more weaponry than a small army are to become a thing of the past. According to the last two ninjas in Japan, they’re just not dangerous enough anymore. In the modern age, an age of guns and the internet, an age of nuclear power, there is no place left for the humble ninja. The last masters of this art, Kawakami and Hatsumi, have decided not to name heirs, meaning that after them, there will be no true ninjas ever again. All we will have left are the history books, and the vast collection of films, characters and comic books inspired by these silent and deadly assassins. The most famous of these would be the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, those instantly recognisable heroes in a half-shell. Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael may not be real, but they’ll be the closest thing we have to real ninjas in no time at all. The only problem with this though, is that their future, in the form of a new film, has been entrusted to Michael Bay. They may as well prostrate themselves before Shredder now and let him finish them off. Bay likes to ruin things from my childhood. He already took the Transformers and defiled them, and not long ago he announced that the Teenage MUTANT Ninja Turtles would be aliens rather than mutants because mutants just aren’t believable. Thank God he never got let loose on the Xmen. I hope I’m proved wrong and that he does a good job, but I’m not holding my breath. So, with that, ninjas will fade from the world, and I for one shall be very sad about that.

You can get your own rather fetching Turtles T-Shirt by heading over to Truffleshuffle.com. It costs £25.99 (and some p&p), the sizes currently available are L-XXL and it comes in white. Perfect to celebrate the legend that is the ninja, and mourn his tragic loss. Cowabunga dudes.

 

Calvin & Hobbes T-Shirt – There’s treasure everywhere…

“Reality continues to ruin my life” – Calvin

Sometimes it helps to be needlessly indignant and overly self-important, as long as you know you’re doing it. I do it regularly, and it always reminds me of Calvin. And so, a Calvin & Hobbes T-Shirt is called for.

When Bill Watterson created a comic strip about a young boy and his stuffed toy tiger, he probably didn’t know how popular it would be. To many, it’s become more of a philosophy than simple entertainment – perhaps the fact that the lead characters are named after two eminent thinkers makes this happen more often than not. I discovered their adventures over a decade and a half ago, with the book Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat and only a few months ago, I bought the complete works (three hardbound volumes) and I still find myself cackling hysterically when I flick through the pages. In part, this is because Calvin seems to think along very similar lines to me. The world is undoubtedly out to get us, but there’s plenty of time to spend strolling around, thinking out loud and trying to work out what it all means (while also building some terrifying snowmen). And I’m particularly fond of this shirt. It’s like a modern reworking of Goya’s The Dog taken from The Black paintings – staring up at the nothingness and mystery beyond. If you grew up with Calvin and Hobbes, I know you’ll like this shirt too. They were a great duo, both for their comedy and their insights into the meaning of everything. I’m sad Bill Watterson stopped writing the strip, but at the same time, he gave them a wonderful final scene.

You can get your own Calvin & Hobbes T-Shirt by heading over to blazintees.com where it retails for $19.99. There are loads of sizes and it comes only in black. I shall now leave you with some wisdom from Calvin that I think we can all appreciate: “I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”

 

Computer T-Shirt – Feeding the machines…

“…of a cybernetic ecology / where we are free of our labors…” – Richard Brautigan

It’s been a week of computers, I thought to myself this morning. And then I realised, every week for me is one of computers. At work, at home… So I went and found a Computer T-Shirt.

This tee is a perfect way way of summing up what my life is all about these days. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is check a few things on my iPad. On the tube to work, I’m staring at twitter updates and news articles on my phone. At work, I spend nine hours a day staring into a computer screen. Then when I get back home, my laptop goes on. Five days a week. Even on weekends of social engagements and exploration, everything is punctuated by computers. I check weather, listen to music, read books, tweet, check emails and so much more, all with a screen. The screen, that seems to stare back at me – ever hungry and desperate for my attention. It’s like being attached to an unaffectionate, electronic baby that won’t leave me alone. Waiting for the Matrix to become a reality? I think it already happened, albeit in a gradual, mundane and uninspiring way. So this the nature of humanity’s succumbing to the will of the machine – it happens not with a bang, but with The Microsoft Sound and The Symphonic Splash. And I don’t think there’s going to be a Neo or a Morpheus to pull us out of this spiral. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of technology (I couldn’t have this blog or all of my music on one tiny gizmo if it wasn’t there), but I don’t like it being omnipotent. But, I daresay, when the day arrives when we can actually crawl into our computer screens, we shall gleefully and subserviently do so, so that we may be held in the arms of machines of loving grace. They’re already watching over us.

Back to this tee, it’s called Study and comes from the very talented designer Esther Lee. She has a style inspired in part by psychedelic animation, and in part by minimalist imagery, giving her work a striking and recognisable style. I found this t-shirt at supersuperficial.com where it costs £35. There are other colour ways available somewhere on the site, but this black comes on in small (though I’m hoping some larger ones appear soon. Back to hoping for a recanting from Mr Brautigan.