Holodeck T-Shirt – Like Vegas in Space

May 20, 2013 § Leave a comment

Star Trek T-Shirt

Apparently the most interesting place to which anyone has boldly gone.

Everyone seems so clean-cut in Star Trek, yet you know what the holodeck gets used for. You just know. It isn’t even implied but it is presumed. So here’s a Holodeck T-Shirt for you to look at while we discuss here that which is not discussed on the show.

Red Dwarf touched on it in a number of episodes when the crew managed to acquire a Virtual Reality machine, but it’s never discussed in Star trek. Yes, it’s a wholesome, pre-watershed show about the virtues of humanity’s future, but surely we cannot be expected to believe that the famous holodeck aboard the USS Enterprise wasn’t used for a bit of the other – at least occasionally. The whole crew were devoted to their well-pressed uniforms and upholding the standards of the Federation but that’s a long tour in space for a single man or woman. Yes, it’s lovely to walk through unspoilt paradises, or take part in famous historical or fictional events, but let’s face the reality that there was blatantly one holodeck on the sub-basement level of the ship that contained a box of tissues and some baby oil. Of course you have those nasty instances when the damn thing went on the fritz and turned its creations into reality, but the chance of ending up with a half-electronic family pales in comparison to the idea of years of space and nothing but cold showers and chaste conversation. All of this made me believe that it would have been far better to be a Klingon. As well as my propensity for scary women, at least they knew how to have fun. So, as the tee says, what happens on the holodeck, stays on the holodeck. Just remember to clean up afterwards.

This Star Trek T-Shirt is available from Welovefine.com where it costs $25.00. It comes in red and sizes range from S to XXXL. And remember that when you’re in space and you’re having your own Pon Farr moment, it’s ok to enjoy the holodeck. Boldly go and get yourself some.

 

Bananaman T-Shirt – Have a banana.

April 15, 2013 § Leave a comment

Bananaman T-Shirt

I’m going bananas.

I was in the pub not long ago, and some child (they were about 24 – I feel old) didn’t know who Bananaman was. I felt shocked, saddened, slightly disturbed and a little tipsy (well, I was in the pub). So, to educate the youngsters, here’s a Bananaman T-Shirt.

Now, I should point out that I’m talking about the TV series. Bananaman first appeared in Nutty (and the then the Beano and Dandy) as a comic strip, but that was before my time (sort of – not really). Back then, the main character was called Eric Wimp. In the TV show, voiced almost entirely by The Goodies, Bananaman’s alter ego was Eric Twinge. And he was awesome. Like a cross between Popeye, Superman and a person who really like Bananas. Eric lived at 29 Acacia Road and whenever he ate a banana, he became the eponymous hero. His ‘Olive Oil/Lois Lane/Girl who also really likes bananas’ was Fiona, a newsreader who often covered his adventures. He battled the Masterminds of Evil like Appleman, General Blight and Dr Gloom, and the terrifying Heavy Mob. And he always won because he’s a superhero and that’s what superheroes do. Laced with more British comedy than a bun fight in an East London pub full of Benny Hill and Carry On cast-members, it was a terrific show and one that still stands up to being entertaining, even when you’re an adult like what I am now. And the theme song was great too. Basically, if you grew up without Bananaman in your life, you had a bad childhood. Sorry, but you did.

This great-looking t-shirt is brought to you by Missimo.com where alas, it only comes in small (what about us huskier Bananaman fans!?). It’s got a red base and costs just £16.00, and I think it looks great. So eat a banana – you never know what will happen…

 

Star Wars Bacon T-Shirt – THIS is how you crush the rebellion.

February 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

Sith T-Shirt

Now you will witness the power of this fully operational frying pan.

Why am I looking at this tee? Well, it combines two of my favourite things in the world ever. Star Wars and Bacon. Anything that combines those two things instantly gets my approval. So, without further ado (not that there had been too much ado before now – precious little ado actually), here is a Star Wars Bacon T-Shirt.

So, say you’re a couple of Sith guys with most of the universe under your control. Like any successful business, you want 100% market share of everything you’re involved in (weapons, soldiers, the Force, etc…). It’s natural. But how do you get people to convert? Were I Vader, or the Emperor, the first bit of propaganda I would do, would be to start a rumour about how the rebels are going to ban bacon. Maybe that the “light” side of the force was all about dieting and that bacon just didn’t fit in with that philosophy. Every ship in the galaxy would turn against them. Han and Chewie would have flushed Ben and Luke into the vacuum of Space, paid Jabba what they owed him with the reward money for doing so, and gone and had a bacon sarnie. The whole saga over by act the start of act 2. Done. Instead though, the Sith preached all the boring stuff and didn’t win hearts and minds. Bacon wins hearts and minds. And then clogs up the arteries of said hearts with win. fatty, salty win. It’s odd they didn’t think of it, seeing as a Sith lightsaber is kind-of the same colour as bacon.

This Sith T-Shirt is brought to you by the good folks at the geekiest place on Earth, Thinkgeek.com. It costs between $20.99 and $22.99, comes in red and sizes range from Small to XXXL. And in my mind, if the rebellion had been crushed, to sweeten the guards at Imperial checkpoints, Han would have renamed his ship the Millennium Bacon. May the Pork be with you.

 

Cup Of Tea T-Shirt – Lent has arrived.

February 13, 2013 § Leave a comment

Tea-Shirt

Give me tea or give me death! Or coffee. Maybe juice.

Lent has arrived. After a night of stuffing myself with pancakes, I now feel the need to sacrifice something. So, like a fool – a crazy, sexy fool – I’m giving up tea AND biscuits. Am I mad? Probably. So, to celebrate/commiserate, here is a Tea T-shirt.

As a British person, tea is, quite rightly, a big part of my life. From high tea in bone china to a bag in a mug, I drink rather a lot of the stuff. It is often accompanied by biscuits in some form or another. From bourbon creams to garibaldis, from chocolate digestives to vanilla wafers, I’ll munch them all. And it is because they are common factors in my daily existence that I am giving them up for a few weeks. There’s no point in giving up something alien. That’s not a challenge. I could easily give up taunting armadillos, or teaching economics to daffodils, but I’ll gain nothing from it. Those activities combined take up no more than 20 minutes of my week. Tea and biscuits take up much more. Also, what with this technically being a religious thing, and me being raised C of E, tea and biscuits came naturally to mind. To make up for these things being missing in my diet, I shall be drinking more coffee than is medically safe. Hopefully I’ll drink enough that I’ll be able to see through time and, more miraculously, develop a metabolism. That’d be nice. Anyway, wish me luck, and keep the pot warm for my return at Easter.

You can get this Tea-Shirt (see what I did there?) for yourself at spreadshirt.co.uk where it will cost you £20.80. It comes in a multitude of colours, styles and sizes so you’ll find the fit for you. So sit back and enjoy a cuppa, dunk a rich tea biscuit, and think of me hopped up on coffee.

 

Gonzo T-Shirt – Hunter was my hero.

January 7, 2013 § Leave a comment

Hunter S. Thompson T-Shirt

“Buy the ticket, take the ride.” – Hunter S. Thompson

When I finished reading my first Hunter S. book, I immediately bought my second. And then my third. I don’t think there’s much left of his work that I haven’t read. And there are few men who I admire more, so a Gonzo T-Shirt is most fitting. Let me tell you why he’s my hero.

Over a decade ago now, I read Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas. It was a big deal in my literary history as I discovered a very different way to write a book – to experience a book. As he drove through Bat Country, and walked through the halls of the hotel filled with grapefruit and lizards, his words (coupled with Ralph Steadman’s amazing illustrations) had me feeling as drugged up and tuned in as he was himself. Then the fear of Hell’s Angels and the heat of The Rum Diary. I was hooked. And then I started to read more about the man. Kingdom Of Fear is still a secret favourite of mine. It’s hilarious, terrifying and it’s quite hard to believe that it actually happened. He had his own agenda that was wholly his own, and his own style that, again, was unique to him. I even admire the reasons for his suicide in a weird way. Not wanting to become another relic of literature, being trotted out for long articles in Playboy or opinions on fellow authors who had passed, he went out with a bang. He chose his own fate. I never thought I could admire someone who killed themselves, but his death was on his own terms, in his control and it was his way of writing the final page and not giving a damn about what anyone thought of it. Thompson’s greatest achievement is his Gonzo journalism, and the symbol of the two-thumbed fist will, to me, will always be a sign of his original, magnificent writing talent.

So, if you’re a fan of Gonzo like what I am, make sure you grab this Hunter S. Thompson T-Shirt for yourself. It can be found at oldskoolhooligans.com where it costs just £11.99. It comes in red and sizes range from S-XXL. And I shall close with one of my favourite Hunter S. quotes: “I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”

 

Che Guevara Mario T-Shirt – Rise up (eat your mushrooms)!

December 18, 2012 § Leave a comment

Mario T-Shirt

We want our Peach and our Fire Flowers too” – Zapata (not really)

Mario and I have spent a lot of time eating mushrooms together. Then we’d jump down the drain, beat up some tortoises, run around and shoot fire from our finger tips. Good times. And, as Mario was responsible for a revolution in gaming, this Che Guevara Mario T-Shirt is most apt.

Friends! Plumbers! Talking Fungus! Lend me your long-tongued dinosaurs! It is better to die by being bitten by a piranha plant, than to live without ever having played Mario… Well, that’s enough of me hashing bits of other speeches together. Mario was revolutionary without the communist doctrine – though Marxio might have made a good alternative. Without Mario, the platform game as we know it today would never have come to be. Carting games would also be gone. And party games. This Italian plumber who spends his days chasing after a princess while battling giant bullets, walking bombs and whatever the hell a goomba is, made gaming what it is today. I don’t think Guevara would be proud, but in terms of iconic status, Mario is to gamers as Che is to socialists. I can think of few heroes worthy of being immortalised like this (massive lie).

If you’d like to get you hands on this Mario T-Shirt, head over to t-shirts.com where it’ll set you back just $16.99. It comes in red, and sizes go from small to XL. Viva Mario! Viva el Reino del Toadstool! E viva la Revolucion!

Santa T-Shirt – He sees you when you’re sleeping…

December 17, 2012 § Leave a comment

santa claus t-shirt

Surely it makes you a heretic if you don’t believe in a saint?

It’s unavoidable. It’s here. The halls have been decked with boughs of holly (which are probably snagging people’s awful Christmas jumpers) and everyone is jingling their bells (surely an indecent act). So here’s a Santa T-Shirt that I found. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Here is a list of things I have learned about Santa Claus:

1. You can ruin Santa Claus for anyone by noting the similarities between St Nick and Jimmy Saville. Think about it. White hair, red track suit, creeping into kids’ bedrooms, rummaging in his sack… Not nice is it.

2. Also, Santa is an anagram of Satan.

3. Old-school Santa Claus used to carry off naughty children in his sack (sounds like Jimmy Saville again, doesn’t it).

4. Our modern day Santa was designed by Coca Cola.

So, hopefully that’s dragged you down to the level of seasonal depression that I usually dwell in until 26 December. I wish I still believed in the Father Christmas that I believed in when I was a kid, but I don’t. Presents now are about greed, reciprocal greed and obligations. Reindeer are a now a delicacy steak or burger choice served at quirky restaurants. And according to Lord of the Rings, the elves have all gone away. Christmas is dead to me now. It’s just an excuse to get fatter and get more stuff. Joy to the frigging world.

However, as I understand it, there are some of you out there who still cling to the ideals of Christmas. I salute your optimism and, to show my admiration, I’ve found you this Santa Claus T-Shirt for you to wear. It’ll cost you £21.50 from cafepress.co.uk, is available in nine colours and sizes range from small to 3XL. So celebrate, smile, sing carols, eat turkey, open presents and enjoy yourself. I shall be imitating this.

 

Strange T-Shirt – The rabbit is talking to me.

December 11, 2012 § Leave a comment

rabbit t-shirt

Beep.

*This is John’s Doctor. He’s been working in isolation recently and the lack of human contact has made him slightly… strange. Before being coaxed down from the ceiling and being put under heavy sedation, he made me promise to upload the following post and the above picture of a Strange T-Shirt. He should be back to normal soon.*

Did you see the monkey? Did he tell you to come here? Did he give you the magic potion? It doesn’t matter. You’re here now and that’s what matters. It matters that you’re here. DON’T TOUCH THAT! It’s ok. You weren’t to know. And if you did know, then a) that’s naughty, and b) I paid far too much for this tin-foil helmet. Everyone thinks they’re a joke, but I know they’re not. They’re essential. Like oranges and books about cats. …did you hear that? No, neither did I. I have a tiny bottle of the antidote for you but it’s probably where you are or will be a little while ago. Something like that. Anyway. I have a t-shirt. If you stare at it, he talks to you. No-one else is talking to me. Well, if you don’t count the wind or Sebastian Le Cabbage, but I haven’t seen him since this morning when he stole my tea. It’s a Rabbit T-Shirt. Did you know the CIA trained rabbits to steal your teeth? They’ll say they didn’t, but I know a pair of slippers who have the inside scoop.

If you channel your thoughts to spreadshirt.com, you can find this t-shirt. It comes in many colours, but not transparent. Sizes range from the t-shirts that would fit the little gnomes that keep stealing my cigarette butts, to something that would be snug on the elephant who’s always behind me. It costs £18.40, but that could just be code. I’ll leave it with you. You’ll know what to do. Especially if you lick the screen that you just read this post on. It’s like you’re licking me…

 

Ghost In The Shell T-Shirt – Or should I?

December 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

laughing man t-shirt

“I thought what I’d do was I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes”

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been getting reacquainted with one of my favourite Japanese exports and one of the best animated shows ever. And therefore, we have a Ghost In The Shell T-Shirt.

The storyline, told through comic-books, films and television series, is set in the mid-21st century. Japan has survived two more world wars and finds itself at the technological cutting edge once again. Cyborg technology has come on in leaps and bounds and most humans now have cybernetic brains, and some have almost entirely prosthetic bodies. The Cyber-brain also allows net access at all times, and this has led to new types of crime and new types of criminal. Section 9, the brainchild of Mr Aramaki and led by Major Motoko Kusanagi, is a specialist anti-terror public security force. Armed with all the weaponry they could ever want, they hunt down the most troubling and fascinating criminals that the net has nurtured, or even created. That all lends to a very cool setting but what makes the films and television shows in particular so wonderful is the stunning art-direction and the expansive, philosophical dialogue. The very nature of existence is questioned throughout the story, and the superior look of the visuals makes for an always exciting experience. One of the main story lines focussed on the character of The Laughing Man – a name taken from Salinger – and on this t-shirt you’ll see the logo he became synonymous with. I’d tell you more, but I think you should give it a go for yourself. If nothing else, check out the films – well worth it.

This Laughing Man T-Shirt can be found at spreadshirt.com where it costs £20.20. Lots of colours and sizes S-XXL are available. Now go watch those movies! And the tv show! And other stuff!

 

Christmas T-Shirt – My sentiments exactly.

November 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

christmas t-shirt

This t-shirt’s a cracker.

Bah, and indeed, humbug. I’m not normally down on Christmas, but this year, I’m really not feeling it, and as the happy day approaches, I shall be wearing this Christmas T-Shirt.

I work in an industry where people start planning for Christmas in June. By the time I get to the end of November, I’d happily stuff Santa Claus into his own sack with a couple of bricks and through him into the Thames. If Christmas dinner were up to me, I’d serve reindeer steak in the hope that I’d get Rudolph. I shall be putting a bear-trap in the fire grate. I have no problem with some people celebrating the birth of Christ (if that’s your bag, good luck to you) or enjoying family, but I do take issue with mindless flocks worshipping Coca Cola’s Santa Claus® and all of the greed that goes with it. I’m going to have to go and elbow my way through the shops, stepping on small children and fighting people who would be sane and courteous at any other time of year, just to get some gifts. I’ll have to put up with the stench of mulled wine in the pubs I frequent. Brussels sprouts will rear their ugly, smelly, green heads again. Trains and traffic will be a nightmare. All that God-awful music that gets vomited into my ears day after day after day. It’s cold, it’s dark and quite frankly, I’d rather saw off my own foot with a blunt plastic ruler dipped in vinegar and salt than suffer through everyone forcing themselves to be jolly again. I can only hope that my grim, dark mood infects those around me this time and we can forget the whole stupid thing. When I read history, I was never a big fan of Oliver Cromwell, but when I found out that he made celebrating Christmas illegal, I really warmed the miserable git.

And what shall the uniform of this particular Scrooge be this year? Why, it’ll be this tee which sums up my feelings both accurately and succinctly. I found it at Spreadshirt.com where it costs $22.70. It comes in a variety of colours and sizes range from small to XXL. Now, if someone could please inject my mince pie with a strong sedative, I can sleep through the whole rotten thing.

 

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