Holodeck T-Shirt – Like Vegas in Space

Apparently the most interesting place to which anyone has boldly gone.

Everyone seems so clean-cut in Star Trek, yet you know what the holodeck gets used for. You just know. It isn’t even implied but it is presumed. So here’s a Holodeck T-Shirt for you to look at while we discuss here that which is not discussed on the show.

Red Dwarf touched on it in a number of episodes when the crew managed to acquire a Virtual Reality machine, but it’s never discussed in Star trek. Yes, it’s a wholesome, pre-watershed show about the virtues of humanity’s future, but surely we cannot be expected to believe that the famous holodeck aboard the USS Enterprise wasn’t used for a bit of the other – at least occasionally. The whole crew were devoted to their well-pressed uniforms and upholding the standards of the Federation but that’s a long tour in space for a single man or woman. Yes, it’s lovely to walk through unspoilt paradises, or take part in famous historical or fictional events, but let’s face the reality that there was blatantly one holodeck on the sub-basement level of the ship that contained a box of tissues and some baby oil. Of course you have those nasty instances when the damn thing went on the fritz and turned its creations into reality, but the chance of ending up with a half-electronic family pales in comparison to the idea of years of space and nothing but cold showers and chaste conversation. All of this made me believe that it would have been far better to be a Klingon. As well as my propensity for scary women, at least they knew how to have fun. So, as the tee says, what happens on the holodeck, stays on the holodeck. Just remember to clean up afterwards.

This Star Trek T-Shirt is available from Welovefine.com where it costs $25.00. It comes in red and sizes range from S to XXXL. And remember that when you’re in space and you’re having your own Pon Farr moment, it’s ok to enjoy the holodeck. Boldly go and get yourself some.

 

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Tokyo T-Shirt – This is Godzilla’s Country

Gojira! Gojira!

For someone who pretty much hates the lazy design that goes into the ‘I heart (insert whatever here)’ t-shirts, this Tokyo T-Shirt is a clever and amusing alternative. And who doesn’t love Godzilla?

So, you may remember that a while back, I looked at a Hello Kitty shirt in tribute to my friend Nicola heading over to Japan to go and teach English for a year. Well, now she’s there, and she started a blog, so I’m totally plugging said blog for her because I reckon it’s going to be pretty interesting, especially if you ever wondered what it’s like to head off to a foreign land and go live and work there. She tells me that Tokyo is awesome and completely mental and that’s just making me even more jealous of her being out there. But then, I don’t have to deal with Godzilla or Mothra, and therefore, in those stakes, I’m up. So, this blog of Nicola’s can be found at JapanMeInTheFace.wordpress.com (the name should give you some indication of Nicola’s sense of humour) and I look forward to reading lots of interesting things on there over the coming weeks and months. She’s the sort of person who will discover amazing places where the furniture is made out of rice and all the food is in haiku-form so it should be a good read.

As for this delightful Godzilla T-Shirt, you can find it at drasticplasticrecords.com where it’s available for the very reasonable price of $14.98. It comes in black, and sizes range from S to XXL. I believe Godzilla takes a size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL, but if that’s required, I’m sure you can contact the manufacturer and request one specially – though there may be a slight increase in price.

Face Hugger T-Shirt – Parasitic benefits

How can you resist that darling little thing?

 

One of the most iconic and cringeworthy moments in all of horror came from something with the name “Face Hugger”. Ok, so it’s a slimy, arachnoid alien that takes over your body by mouth-raping you with its insides as it chokes you with its tail, but this Face Hugger T-Shirt could teach me some lessons.

What could I possibly learn from the face hugger? Well, dieting tips for one thing. As it’s clasped onto your ‘boat’ (that’s cockney-rhyming-slang for face for the uneducated amongst you – face=boat race=boat) it’s feeding you and keeping you alive. Just as people used to swallow a single male tape worm in a pill to lose weight (no, they actually did), I wouldn’t mind spending a bit of time with a face hugger. Obviously, the whole thing about it laying an egg in your chest that ends up killing you would not be ideal, but scientists have been messing with the dna of insects for years so hopefully it wouldn’t be too hard to make it sterile. Therefore, it just clamps onto your face, controls your eating habits for a set period of time, and then it falls off. Done. As it is, with out the aid of fictional (or so they say) alien parasites, my diet is not going so well. I’m having weekends off, and seeing as that was just a four day weekend, I’m still pretty stuffed. With fat and self-loathing. So, the sooner we can create a sterile larval alien, the better. Either that, or I go for another run this evening. Whatever’s easiest, I guess.

You can get this Alien T-Shirt from Fivefingertees.com where it costs just $7.99. It comes in both men’s and women’s styles with lots of sizes and colours to choose from. And hugging is good for everybody. Human contact is healthy. If only I were healthy…

You Are Not Alone T-Shirt – They’re out there…

What would be the logistical problems of an alien dating agency?

Well, I had a boring weekend and that’s not a good thing. Partly because it’s antisocial, but also because it gives my brain a chance to do some heavy thinking. Sunday evening ended with the conclusion that I need to date an alien. Ergo, this You Are Not Alone T-Shirt is perfectly apt.

Now, before you think I’ve strolled down the route of the uber-nerd who fantasises about the three-breasted Martian hooker, I should say that I haven’t. I mean, sure, just after watching Total Recall for the first time when I was like 15, yeah I thought about it but that’s not the point. Anyway, so, I was thinking about what happens when (alright, ‘if’) we make contact with other species from across the universe. This means that there will be new dating opportunities (after the initial ‘honestly, we’re not trying to kill you’ period) and whoever gets in on the ground floor first could make a mint. There would be problems of course. Coding so that something works on a PC and a Mac is hard enough without introducing alien technology to the equation – though I bet someone at Microsoft or Apple is working on that already. But once it’s up and running, given the amount of lonely people on Earth, the aliens would probably have a similar issues. This is all predicated on there being some level of mutual sexual attraction between us and them but if Sci-Fi has taught me anything, there are lots of attractive females among the Stars. Ok, so Captain Kirk already had most of them, but I’m sure there’re plenty left. And for those of us (and I’m including myself in this statement) that are a bit on the lonely and frustrated side of things at the moment, this could be a great opportunity. Who knows – perhaps being fat and shy are the most important things to a woman from across the galaxy. One can only hope.

So, as I work out how to set up a social/dating site using the coloured lights from Close Encounters, I shall leave you with this rather good Alien T-Shirt design. It’s another one that you’ll need to print onto a tee yourself, but it looks great and will set you back just $10.00 from Tshirt-factory.com. Also, note the alien giving the middle finger. That’s cool though, as this one totally doesn’t do it for me.

P.S. Upon reading the above article I note all (and there are a few) the problems with my brain and promise to try and not have another quiet weekend ever again, and to stick to more conventional methods to find a girlfriend that don’t involve inter-stellar travel, hitchhikers guides or telescopes (especially not telescopes). Apologies for my weird, weird brain.

 

Star Wars Bacon T-Shirt – THIS is how you crush the rebellion.

Now you will witness the power of this fully operational frying pan.

Why am I looking at this tee? Well, it combines two of my favourite things in the world ever. Star Wars and Bacon. Anything that combines those two things instantly gets my approval. So, without further ado (not that there had been too much ado before now – precious little ado actually), here is a Star Wars Bacon T-Shirt.

So, say you’re a couple of Sith guys with most of the universe under your control. Like any successful business, you want 100% market share of everything you’re involved in (weapons, soldiers, the Force, etc…). It’s natural. But how do you get people to convert? Were I Vader, or the Emperor, the first bit of propaganda I would do, would be to start a rumour about how the rebels are going to ban bacon. Maybe that the “light” side of the force was all about dieting and that bacon just didn’t fit in with that philosophy. Every ship in the galaxy would turn against them. Han and Chewie would have flushed Ben and Luke into the vacuum of Space, paid Jabba what they owed him with the reward money for doing so, and gone and had a bacon sarnie. The whole saga over by act the start of act 2. Done. Instead though, the Sith preached all the boring stuff and didn’t win hearts and minds. Bacon wins hearts and minds. And then clogs up the arteries of said hearts with win. fatty, salty win. It’s odd they didn’t think of it, seeing as a Sith lightsaber is kind-of the same colour as bacon.

This Sith T-Shirt is brought to you by the good folks at the geekiest place on Earth, Thinkgeek.com. It costs between $20.99 and $22.99, comes in red and sizes range from Small to XXXL. And in my mind, if the rebellion had been crushed, to sweeten the guards at Imperial checkpoints, Han would have renamed his ship the Millennium Bacon. May the Pork be with you.

 

Hoth T-Shirt – Where’s a Taun Taun when you need one?

And I thought they smelled bad on the outside. Quite roomy though.

Snow is falling across London at the moment, and is ruining my plans for the weekend. If only this was the ice planet, Hoth, I could relax in the familiar surroundings of Echo Base. I’ll have to settle for this Hoth T-Shirt. Well, I haven’t looked at a Star Wars tee in a while.

There are several similarities between London at the moment and Hoth. It’s snowing… well, there’s probably some other stuff too, right? But it’s the differences that stand out the most. For a start, if I get cold strolling around Kilburn, I can’t slice anything open and live inside it. It’s not that I have an objection to the activity per se, but there are very few living things in that neck of the woods that would fit me. The day they let cows graze in Queen’s Park, I’m sorted, but until then, when it snows, I’ll just have to settle for going indoors. You’ve got to feel sorry for Taun Tauns really. Not only do they live on one of the galaxy’s least hospitable planets, they have ice monsters and insensitive pirates wielding lightsabers desecrating their corpses to keep their Jedi buddies warm to worry about. I can’t imagine it’s a particularly pleasant existence. But then again, nor is mine at the moment. Not having a Taun Taun, I have to rely on a Train Train. Or even just a train. And I’m guessing that won’t be working. And my weekend plans have been cancelled due to weather. And I haven’t got my walking boots or nice Scotch whisky (a must for the cold) on me at the moment either. Not that this compares to the true suffering of a beast forced to ferry rebels around Hoth, but it’s a bit sucky nonetheless.

Make your experience of the snow a little less sucky by buying yourself this Star Wars T-Shirt. You can buy it at Nachomamatees.com where it’s available for $16.99. It comes in blue and there are lots of sizes to choose from. AS for me, I shall drink some cocoa and try to stave off hypothermia. Such fun.

 

Zapp Brannigan T-Shirt – The Velour Fog

“Kif! I have made it with a woman. Inform the men!” – Zapp Brannigan

Zapp Brannigan is a character that I can quote verbatim over and over again, and laugh at myself doing it. Therefore, I want a Zapp Brannigan T-Shirt. I wonder if it’s in any way like Brannigan’s Love…?

Yes, this is another one of those posts that could just be me writing loads of quotes and giggling as I do it. The Zappster is, after all, a very quotable character. He’s used sparingly on the show, but this just means that when he does make an appearance, it is enjoyed even more. Billy West chose the perfect voice for him – sleazy and pompous – and the writing team really pull out all of the stops when it comes to giving him hilarious and masterly lines. And to top it all off, they gave him Kif – his squidgy, green alien adjutant whose groan can be heard whenever Zapp is around. For every grin of triumph or sly look from Zapp, there is weary groan from Kif, just to accentuate those punchlines. When Zapp said “If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.” It was the groan that followed, accompanied by Kif’s look of resigned despair that made it just a little bit funnier. I’m eagerly awaiting the release of the new season on DVD – coming soon hopefully! In the meantime, I shall just keep chuckling to myself whenever I think of perhaps the funniest character on the show.

So celebrate 31st century’s most powerful idiot, and the only known sufferer of Sexlexia, by picking up this Futurama T-Shirt. It comes from Blahblahtshirts.com, costs £11.33, comes in loads of sizes and the colour black. Alas, it’s 100% cotton and not velour, but there’s still plenty of places to pin the medals you make for yourself. Now you just need to build yourself a Lovenasium and you’ll be as popular as Zapp. Get to it!

 

Star Wars Episode IV T-Shirt – Do Do, Do Do, Do-do Doo-da-doo…

No Droids Allowed! – Their kind aren’t welcome here.

Last night, I watched Episode IV. I haven’t seen it in a long, long time (in a flat far, far away) and it was pretty awesome to watch it fresh. So, I’ve picked out this Star Wars Episode IV T-Shirt to help me celebrate a return to my favourite franchise of films.

Now, when I say I haven’t seen New Hope in a long, long time, that means about six months ago. Maybe a little more even(!). Of the original series, it was never my favourite, but watching it last night reminded me why it’s still a great film. Alec Guinness is brilliant, Darth Vader is the classic bad guy and Luke is the archetypal hero-in-the-making. It’s visually lush, the sound track is inspired and everything about it is original, from the sets to the costumes to the sound effects. It’s amazing how much this film particularly influenced those that followed it – and not just in the Sci-Fi genre. So many films have subtle hints, and several others have hearty nods to a film that really did revolutionise the films that followed it. It’s very easy to overlook it now – even to discredit it – but that’s because we’re so used to it being one of the biggest events in cinematic history. Anyway, back to film. The cantina scene remains one of my favourites. From Obi Wan cutting that guy’s arm off to the shots fired between Han and Greedo, it’s a scene that sets the tone for so much of the franchise. The dangers of alien worlds, the hostilities of space travel, the diversity of species and the awesomeness of lightsabers. Now, with the help of this excellent t-shirt, you can act like you’ve actually been there. And, if you’re a real Star Wars fan, you’re probably convinced that you have been there anyway.

If this is the New Hope T-Shirt you’re looking for, you can get it for yourself at shotdeadinthehead.com where it will cost you £17.99 (or 2,000 now, plus 15,000 when we reach Aldaraan). It comes in nine colours with sizes ranging from Jawa to Bantha (S-2XL). May the force be with you…

p.s. The “do do”s in the title are the opening notes to the Cantina Band song. Duh.

 

Robots T-Shirt – Where’s my Automaton?

The fact that I don’t have a robot does not compute.

We were all promised so much, so long ago. And yet we never got half of what we were supposed to have by now. And the greatest thing missing from my life (apart from love, companionship and a true sense of purpose) is a robot. This Robots T-Shirt highlights my pain well.

I’m not asking for much. It doesn’t need the realistic look of Mr Data, the unparalleled intelligence of Project 2501, the humour of Bender, or the killing power of Mechagodzilla. It just needs to be a robot. A cool robot. I want my damn robot! Years (decades!) ago, we were promised hotels on the moon, flying cars and eternal life. Granted, some of these promises were made by the writers of sci-fi books and films, but still! All science-fiction has some grounding in science-fact, and the fact of the matter is that I’m still missing a robot over here. As things stand, Asimo is the closest thing we’ve got but there’s only one of him and he costs too much. Also, he’s not exactly a great conversationalist, even if he’s impressive in other areas. A robot has always been top of my list (along with a working lighsaber and a Firefly class transport ship), but I guess I shall just have to keep waiting. But, while I wait for my robot, I shall console myself with this splendid I Robots T-Shirt, designed by the very talented Hannah Baber. Each little robot that makes up the bigger robot is very cool and very cute – kind of like if Devastator from the Transformers was assembled in a toy store… although thinking about it, that probably happens quite a bit.

Anyway, this splendid, original and delightful t-shirt was found on notonthehighstreet.com. Hannah designs for Mild West Heroes who stock this for £19.00. It comes in grey, with sizes ranging from small to XL. And as I can’t have my robot yet, I shall make a point of enjoying the robots on this excellent t-shirt.

 

Moon Patrol T-Shirt – I have no idea what’s going on.

Are the deer tiny, or is the guy massive?

What makes a t-shirt cool? It’s sometimes hard to define. It can be the colours, the pattern, the graphics, or a combination of all of those. And then, every now and again, you just get something so weird, it has to be cool. Like this Moon Patrol T-Shirt. It makes no sense!

Now, I wouldn’t mind visiting the moon one day. It’d be pretty cool to bounce around and look out at the stars and back at the Earth. Maybe one day we’ll get that hotel they were promising us back in the 60s. Intrepid adventurer that I am, it sounds pretty neat. However, as open-minded as I might be, the idea of hunting tiny red deer and zapping them with some sort of laser vision does not appeal. Are these the vermin of the lunar landscape? Are they a pest to rovers and landers alike? Perhaps they chew through important wires. Surely though, in this day and age, we can manufacture some sort of humane tiny moon deer trap? Then go and releasse them on Mars and let the tiny purple bears on that planet deal with them. On the other hand, a trip to the moon may require some gigantification of the self in order to hunt normal sized red moon deer (normal in relation to Earth deer). I could get used to the laser vision, but I’d prefer to use it on the tiny yellow horses of Neptune. And, to sum up, if I can write that sort of strange and bewildering blog post about a t-shirt, that makes it cool. Fact.

So where to you find this Moon T-Shirt? Well, it’s available at boutikboutik.com where it costs €39.90 (about $43 in the US). It comes in black and is only available in medium or large. It’s brought to you by the uber-talented Ames Bros and I urge you to check out there complete range. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to keep my eyes open for tiny mauve ocelots. Pesky little critters…