Huckleberry Finn T-Shirt – Want to be gone fishin’

May 13, 2013 § Leave a comment

Huckleberry Finn T-Shirt

“The average man don’t like trouble and danger” – Mark Twain

Huck Finn is a bit of an old hero of mine. However, though I like the idea of floating down a broad river, fishing for my supper, I have a couple of issues with that. Ergo, here is a Huckleberry Finn T-Shirt.

As mentioned above, I like the idea of my rod dangling over the side of a boat (as the bishop said to the actress, etc) but I know that it just isn’t going to happen. Firstly, I can’t fish. I have tried several times and I know that it’s not for me. I’ve been nearly drowned, I’ve cut my digital artery on a swiss army knife (that was a fun trip to the doctor’s) and generally, I’ve had quite a miserable time. And aside from some minnows in a lemonade bottle, I’ve never caught anything. Between my father and some friends who are serious fisherman, I have studied under many and always come up short. Therefore, I can say without doubt, that Fishing is not for me. The other part of the problem of fishing for my supper is that I don’t like fish. Apart from the occasional scampy and the odd lobster, seafood appeals to me about as much as someone inserting a syringe of flesh-eating bacteria into my genitals. The smell of tuna makes me gag, and the sight of cod is more than off-putting. So it wouldn’t work. At all. Ever. And yet, I genuinely long for it. Or at least the idea of it. I have wept with longing and implored the heavens to give me the ability to disappear into the realm of endless days and quiet skies. I have worked and studied to find a route to it all, and yet there is none that will do, and so, it seems, it is at an end. My days of dreaming are sunk, gone down to the gloomy depths where the greatest myths and legends swim away into the dark oblivion of memory. It is all over, bar the shouting.

But, at least I can where a nice t-shirt, right? Well, this one was found at Fab.com where it currently costs $22 (reduced from $32 at the time of writing). It comes in green, it comes in sizes S, XL and 2XL, and was created by the brand Mojoware. So keep fishing, folks.

 

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Jaws T-Shirt – Can I wear this in the ocean?

May 4, 2013 § 1 Comment

Jaws T-Shirt

‘Duh… Duh… Duh… Duh… Duh Duh Duh Duh DuhDuhDuhDuh’

Jaws is one of those iconic films that everyone knows, even if they haven’t seen it. It preys on your fears and turns any calm and peaceful ocean into a terrifying pool of blood and death. Ergo, here’s a Jaws T-Shirt.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, a giant mechanical shark appears. But for all of the nightmares and irrational fears it has sparked, it was Steven Spielberg himself who suffered the most at the hands of this beast. An impressive prop, it looked all set to be the star of the film alongside Rod Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss, but then the problems started. As soon as they put it into the water, it started to rust and warp quite rapidly. Animating it was almost impossible and despite how impressive it looked, on camera, it just looked like a big fake shark. That’s why it appears only very briefly in the film. But then, that’s why it’s so terrifying. You spend the whole film waiting and waiting – building up the tension and nerves and stress. Apart from fleeting glimpses, it’s only at the end of the film that you get a good look at the monster. So that’s one reason I’m showing you this today. The other reason is because it’s now a very Spring-ish Summer and a lot of you will be heading to the beach this weekend. Just be careful when you get into the water. You never know what’s lurking beneath the surface…

It’s becoming a genuine pleasure to find a new t-shirt from Layer Eight who are masters of turning films and tv shows into fashionable tees. This one features the Amity Island logo and the colours are perfect. A great looking shirt. I discovered this it on notonthehighstreet.com, where it costs £25, comes in blue, and sizes range from small to XXL. So whether you’re a dogfish or a whale shark, there’s something for you here. Enjoy!

P.s. Alas, people have a rather irrational hatred of sharks. Yes, they can be dangerous but then they are predators. And then there are also the morons eating Shark fin soup – the procurement of which is frankly barbaric. Sharks need a little help too sometimes, so if you feel like helping to make the lives of sharks a little easier, I urge you to donate to The Sharks Trust. Do it!

Together Is Better T-Shirt – For charity.

May 3, 2013 § Leave a comment

Together Is Better T-Shirt

‘The long-lasting love of a family is more healing than a band-aid could ever be.’ – Unknown

I don’t do nearly enough good deeds. Sure, I rescue kittens from burning buildings on regular occasions, but it’s less charitable when you start the fires yourself. So, to make up for all of that, here’s a Together Is Better T-Shirt – the proceeds of which go to charity.

What’s better than treating yourself to a new t-shirt? How about treating yourself to a new t-shirt which then helps make life better for families facing really tough times. This shirt comes to you from the Ronald MacDonald Housing Charities who do amazing work to ensure that, when children get sick, and have to spend some time in the hospital, their parents or guardians have somewhere to live close by. Ideally next door. By doing this, children and parents get to spend more time together, and they get to experience something as close to a normal life as possible. And yes, it is that Ronald MacDonald. I may hate his burgers, but consarnit, I think he does good charity work. And the kids think he’s pretty fun too. If you want to raise some money for them or donate to their cause, you can find their main site right here. It’ll help you get to heaven, wipe your conscience clean, and you get to help some sick children and their parents too. Do it! Do it now!

This Charity T-Shirt sports the Together = Better logo, and is available from rmhcshop.org.uk. It comes in grey, sizes range from Small to 2XL and it’l cost you just £8.00. That’s a great price, and all of that dosh goes straight into the charity’s coffers so they can build new houses and make people’s lives a bit better. Nice.

 

Banana-Saurus Rex T-Shirt – Jurassic Pun.

May 1, 2013 § Leave a comment

Dinosaur T-Shirt

Other edible dinos include the Jello-Dactyl, Egg-Asaurus and Tri-Celery-Tops.

Dinosaurs and puns are two of my favourite subjects, and this Banana-Saurus Rex T-Shirt combines both. The only problem is adding the fruit and vegetables, which are two of my least favourite things. Blurgh. 

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with dinosaurs. Fascinated to the point of being a bit of an expert and decidedly destined to grow into a palaeontologist. Somehow, along the way, that dream died, or at least was replaced with various other dreams as I hit my teens – none of which are probably appropriate for this blog. Then, when I grew older, I invented this fun game. When you’re walking down a road or in the country, just imagine, at any given point in your strolling or meandering, that you are suddenly confronted by a T-Rex, say 50 metres/yards in front of you. What would you do? Should you stand still, hope it goes for someone else, run, or hide? Can you scramble up that bank, break into that house, dive down that path or alleyway? What is your best option for survival? And when you’re done with that, you can then try it with something like a lion or tiger or whatever (presents slightly different challenges). Trust me, I know it sounds silly, but it’s oddly addictive and it can really break up long walks. So, that’s the dino aspect of this tee covered – now for the fruit. I distrust fruit. And vegetables. There’s something sinister about them. Ok, people claim they’re all about distributing seeds, but I’m not buying it. I think it’s a secret plot by the plants to overthrow us somehow. I haven’t worked out the exact details yet, but if I don’t, there’s a chance we’ll realise only too late how evil they are…

Anyway, this splendid Dinosaur T-Shirt was found on Uncovet.com where it costs $25.00. It is available in brown, and sizes range from small to XXL, so whether you’re a raptor or a rex, you’ll be able to get the right size. As for all the punning, long may it continue. Pun on, gentlepeople, pun on.

 

Unicorns T-Shirt – Horny Horses

April 30, 2013 § Leave a comment

Unicorns T-Shirt

I should meet this Nobody Ever. He’s said a lot of stupid stuff.

Ah, Unicorns. Everyone’s favourite mythological horse (sorry, Pegasus fans, you’re out). This funny Unicorns T-Shirt made me giggle, but then it made me think. I’m not sure these creatures are as cool as everyone makes them out to be.

If you’ve ever ridden a horse, you’ll know that at any given time, it’s about a split-second from going completely mental. God forbid you’re riding one when it goes nuts, because when it goes nuts, it goes full on macadamias. Bucking, kicking, bolting… Now imagine that it had a massive spike growing out of its face. Not so cute now, is it? You’ve basically weaponised crazy. And I’ve got this covered whether you’re a creationist or an evolutionist. If they existed (I know they didn’t, but let’s hypothesise), either Noah didn’t want one on the ark because it would either puncture the boat or kill everything else on it, or natural selection made the equine propensity for nuzzling their downfall. It’s a flawed design. Unless you actually want to kill someone, in which case just trot one of these towards them, then throw a mouse on its back and watch the show. But, it’s because of this that I think Unicorns are awesome. Certainly not lame, and therefore, the T-Shirt is correct.

This tee was found on Fab.com and was brought to you by Skip N’ Whistle. It’s reduced to $19 (down from $25) at the time of writing, but the only size left is XL. And it comes in black. So saddle up your horned steed, jump on board, probably die within ten minutes from horn-related injuries, get reincarnated and go buy this t-shirt. Sorted.

 

Cynical T-Shirt – I’m a proud cynic.

April 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

cynical tshirt

They call me Mr Cynical

So I went off and found a Cynical T-Shirt. Why? Well, I’ve decided not to fight my natural inclinations any more. Let me tell you why I’m a cynic…

People. Yep, them. They are the reason. Sounds like I’m being unfair or bitter perhaps, but I’m not. People are the cause of every problem, every negative situation and everything else that sucks. Consider that. All the shit and awfulness in the world was caused by humanity. Oh sure, they’ve also created the wonder and the beauty, but you have to walk a long way to find it. The junk and wretchedness will be right in front of you. Seriously – just try it now. Look around you. I’ll bet you find something that upsets, annoys, depresses or irks you, we’ll before you find something that excites you or makes you happy. Now, because of all of this, I’ve decided to embrace my cynicism. That way, I expect the disappointment, and that makes it all easier to deal with. And in turn, when I do find one of the wonders of humanity, it’s not such a shock, and I can appreciate it with a cooler head. And that’s a win.

In true cynical tradition, this tee is brought to you by amazon.co.uk (that enormous, faceless, tax avoiding corporation). Sizes range from XS to XXXL, it comes in light blue, and will cost you between £14.99 and £18.99. So there. Deal with it.

Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt – Getting Lost

April 16, 2013 § Leave a comment

Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt

I’m Late! I’m Late! I’m Late!

A little while ago, you’ll remember that I looked at a Cheshire Cat shirt, which got me thinking about the whole Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass thing. And some minor gripes I have with it. As I ramble on about that for a while, here’s an Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt for you to enjoy.

Do you know what I’d do if I saw a fully-clothed, talking rabbit run down into its hole? I’d go home, build a cage, catch the little sod the next day and make millions in the show business world. The last thing I would do, even if I were small enough to do so, is scramble down the rabbit hole after him. That’s just idiotic. Alice got what she deserved as far as I’m concerned. I enjoyed these books when I read them many years ago, but I always had a few questions regarding certain aspects of the plot. Enough of it weirded me out that by the time I got to the caterpillar, I’d have bought half an ounce off him and just got stoned. Who wants to run around in that nightmare? It would have made the Mad Hatter’s tea party a darn sight more bearable too. As for my aforementioned favourite character, the Cheshire Cat, he seems like the most normal person in Wonderland. …I jest of course, but despite how much I enjoy these books, I still like to think that I might have done one or two things differently to Alice. And I’d probably have never left – why would you? All the oysters, tea, caterpillar dope, drunk mice and talking cats you could ever want. I still think I’d have caught that damn rabbit though.

I discovered this delightful ladies Wonderland T-Shirt at notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by Not For Ponies, costs £25, comes in grey with sizes ranging from small to large. So, ladies, if you’re a fan of the Alice books, this should be the perfect tee for you. Enjoy!

 

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