Banana-Saurus Rex T-Shirt – Jurassic Pun.

Other edible dinos include the Jello-Dactyl, Egg-Asaurus and Tri-Celery-Tops.

Dinosaurs and puns are two of my favourite subjects, and this Banana-Saurus Rex T-Shirt combines both. The only problem is adding the fruit and vegetables, which are two of my least favourite things. Blurgh. 

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with dinosaurs. Fascinated to the point of being a bit of an expert and decidedly destined to grow into a palaeontologist. Somehow, along the way, that dream died, or at least was replaced with various other dreams as I hit my teens – none of which are probably appropriate for this blog. Then, when I grew older, I invented this fun game. When you’re walking down a road or in the country, just imagine, at any given point in your strolling or meandering, that you are suddenly confronted by a T-Rex, say 50 metres/yards in front of you. What would you do? Should you stand still, hope it goes for someone else, run, or hide? Can you scramble up that bank, break into that house, dive down that path or alleyway? What is your best option for survival? And when you’re done with that, you can then try it with something like a lion or tiger or whatever (presents slightly different challenges). Trust me, I know it sounds silly, but it’s oddly addictive and it can really break up long walks. So, that’s the dino aspect of this tee covered – now for the fruit. I distrust fruit. And vegetables. There’s something sinister about them. Ok, people claim they’re all about distributing seeds, but I’m not buying it. I think it’s a secret plot by the plants to overthrow us somehow. I haven’t worked out the exact details yet, but if I don’t, there’s a chance we’ll realise only too late how evil they are…

Anyway, this splendid Dinosaur T-Shirt was found on Uncovet.com where it costs $25.00. It is available in brown, and sizes range from small to XXL, so whether you’re a raptor or a rex, you’ll be able to get the right size. As for all the punning, long may it continue. Pun on, gentlepeople, pun on.

 

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Unicorns T-Shirt – Horny Horses

I should meet this Nobody Ever. He’s said a lot of stupid stuff.

Ah, Unicorns. Everyone’s favourite mythological horse (sorry, Pegasus fans, you’re out). This funny Unicorns T-Shirt made me giggle, but then it made me think. I’m not sure these creatures are as cool as everyone makes them out to be.

If you’ve ever ridden a horse, you’ll know that at any given time, it’s about a split-second from going completely mental. God forbid you’re riding one when it goes nuts, because when it goes nuts, it goes full on macadamias. Bucking, kicking, bolting… Now imagine that it had a massive spike growing out of its face. Not so cute now, is it? You’ve basically weaponised crazy. And I’ve got this covered whether you’re a creationist or an evolutionist. If they existed (I know they didn’t, but let’s hypothesise), either Noah didn’t want one on the ark because it would either puncture the boat or kill everything else on it, or natural selection made the equine propensity for nuzzling their downfall. It’s a flawed design. Unless you actually want to kill someone, in which case just trot one of these towards them, then throw a mouse on its back and watch the show. But, it’s because of this that I think Unicorns are awesome. Certainly not lame, and therefore, the T-Shirt is correct.

This tee was found on Fab.com and was brought to you by Skip N’ Whistle. It’s reduced to $19 (down from $25) at the time of writing, but the only size left is XL. And it comes in black. So saddle up your horned steed, jump on board, probably die within ten minutes from horn-related injuries, get reincarnated and go buy this t-shirt. Sorted.

 

Cynical T-Shirt – I’m a proud cynic.

They call me Mr Cynical

So I went off and found a Cynical T-Shirt. Why? Well, I’ve decided not to fight my natural inclinations any more. Let me tell you why I’m a cynic…

People. Yep, them. They are the reason. Sounds like I’m being unfair or bitter perhaps, but I’m not. People are the cause of every problem, every negative situation and everything else that sucks. Consider that. All the shit and awfulness in the world was caused by humanity. Oh sure, they’ve also created the wonder and the beauty, but you have to walk a long way to find it. The junk and wretchedness will be right in front of you. Seriously – just try it now. Look around you. I’ll bet you find something that upsets, annoys, depresses or irks you, we’ll before you find something that excites you or makes you happy. Now, because of all of this, I’ve decided to embrace my cynicism. That way, I expect the disappointment, and that makes it all easier to deal with. And in turn, when I do find one of the wonders of humanity, it’s not such a shock, and I can appreciate it with a cooler head. And that’s a win.

In true cynical tradition, this tee is brought to you by amazon.co.uk (that enormous, faceless, tax avoiding corporation). Sizes range from XS to XXXL, it comes in light blue, and will cost you between £14.99 and £18.99. So there. Deal with it.

Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt – Getting Lost

I’m Late! I’m Late! I’m Late!

A little while ago, you’ll remember that I looked at a Cheshire Cat shirt, which got me thinking about the whole Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass thing. And some minor gripes I have with it. As I ramble on about that for a while, here’s an Alice In Wonderland T-Shirt for you to enjoy.

Do you know what I’d do if I saw a fully-clothed, talking rabbit run down into its hole? I’d go home, build a cage, catch the little sod the next day and make millions in the show business world. The last thing I would do, even if I were small enough to do so, is scramble down the rabbit hole after him. That’s just idiotic. Alice got what she deserved as far as I’m concerned. I enjoyed these books when I read them many years ago, but I always had a few questions regarding certain aspects of the plot. Enough of it weirded me out that by the time I got to the caterpillar, I’d have bought half an ounce off him and just got stoned. Who wants to run around in that nightmare? It would have made the Mad Hatter’s tea party a darn sight more bearable too. As for my aforementioned favourite character, the Cheshire Cat, he seems like the most normal person in Wonderland. …I jest of course, but despite how much I enjoy these books, I still like to think that I might have done one or two things differently to Alice. And I’d probably have never left – why would you? All the oysters, tea, caterpillar dope, drunk mice and talking cats you could ever want. I still think I’d have caught that damn rabbit though.

I discovered this delightful ladies Wonderland T-Shirt at notonthehighstreet.com. It was created by Not For Ponies, costs £25, comes in grey with sizes ranging from small to large. So, ladies, if you’re a fan of the Alice books, this should be the perfect tee for you. Enjoy!

 

Bananaman T-Shirt – Have a banana.

I’m going bananas.

I was in the pub not long ago, and some child (they were about 24 – I feel old) didn’t know who Bananaman was. I felt shocked, saddened, slightly disturbed and a little tipsy (well, I was in the pub). So, to educate the youngsters, here’s a Bananaman T-Shirt.

Now, I should point out that I’m talking about the TV series. Bananaman first appeared in Nutty (and the then the Beano and Dandy) as a comic strip, but that was before my time (sort of – not really). Back then, the main character was called Eric Wimp. In the TV show, voiced almost entirely by The Goodies, Bananaman’s alter ego was Eric Twinge. And he was awesome. Like a cross between Popeye, Superman and a person who really like Bananas. Eric lived at 29 Acacia Road and whenever he ate a banana, he became the eponymous hero. His ‘Olive Oil/Lois Lane/Girl who also really likes bananas’ was Fiona, a newsreader who often covered his adventures. He battled the Masterminds of Evil like Appleman, General Blight and Dr Gloom, and the terrifying Heavy Mob. And he always won because he’s a superhero and that’s what superheroes do. Laced with more British comedy than a bun fight in an East London pub full of Benny Hill and Carry On cast-members, it was a terrific show and one that still stands up to being entertaining, even when you’re an adult like what I am now. And the theme song was great too. Basically, if you grew up without Bananaman in your life, you had a bad childhood. Sorry, but you did.

This great-looking t-shirt is brought to you by Missimo.com where alas, it only comes in small (what about us huskier Bananaman fans!?). It’s got a red base and costs just £16.00, and I think it looks great. So eat a banana – you never know what will happen…

 

Tokyo T-Shirt – This is Godzilla’s Country

Gojira! Gojira!

For someone who pretty much hates the lazy design that goes into the ‘I heart (insert whatever here)’ t-shirts, this Tokyo T-Shirt is a clever and amusing alternative. And who doesn’t love Godzilla?

So, you may remember that a while back, I looked at a Hello Kitty shirt in tribute to my friend Nicola heading over to Japan to go and teach English for a year. Well, now she’s there, and she started a blog, so I’m totally plugging said blog for her because I reckon it’s going to be pretty interesting, especially if you ever wondered what it’s like to head off to a foreign land and go live and work there. She tells me that Tokyo is awesome and completely mental and that’s just making me even more jealous of her being out there. But then, I don’t have to deal with Godzilla or Mothra, and therefore, in those stakes, I’m up. So, this blog of Nicola’s can be found at JapanMeInTheFace.wordpress.com (the name should give you some indication of Nicola’s sense of humour) and I look forward to reading lots of interesting things on there over the coming weeks and months. She’s the sort of person who will discover amazing places where the furniture is made out of rice and all the food is in haiku-form so it should be a good read.

As for this delightful Godzilla T-Shirt, you can find it at drasticplasticrecords.com where it’s available for the very reasonable price of $14.98. It comes in black, and sizes range from S to XXL. I believe Godzilla takes a size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL, but if that’s required, I’m sure you can contact the manufacturer and request one specially – though there may be a slight increase in price.

First Birthday T-Shirt – Big, Scary, and one year old.

I shall blow out my candle and make a wish. 🙂

Yep, so this blog has just had its first birthday. For a whole year now, I’ve been trawling cyberspace for you, bringing you cool, interesting, iconic and unusual t-shirts, as well as plenty of waffle from me. So here’s my First Birthday T-Shirt.

A year ago, I wrote my first blogpost about t-shirts. That seems like a long time ago now. Hundreds of t-shirts and thousands of visits later, I’m still going. There have been calmer moments where you might only see at most a single tee a week, and busier times where you might get at least one a day. You’ve read my lyrical waxing on the subjects of cats, computer games, album covers and, of course, monkeys. And in each of my posts, I’ve tried to put a little of myself as well. From lovelorn to lyrical, from depressed to delighted, you’ve witnessed much of the unique mess that goes in to making whatever the hell it is I am – I’m still trying to figure out what that is. All the spelling mistakes, nonsensical conclusions and daftness. All the dropped links, tortured metaphors and ridiculous musings. I trust you have enjoyed them all. And if you didn’t manage to enjoy them, at least you managed to find where to buy a new t-shirt or waste a couple of minutes of your day reading my waffle. Here’s to the next year where I will continue to skulk about the internet, discovering tees for our mutual appreciation, inspiration and enjoyment. And you never know, I might get round to finally creating my own too.

As for this Birthday T-Shirt, it can be found on spreadshirt.com. It’ll cost you $31.60, it comes in loads of colours and the sizes range from small to 3XL. I hope you have something to celebrate soon too. Onwards!

 

Zelda T-Shirt – A Link to my past.

It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this t-shirt.

The Legend of Zelda games have a special place in my heart. Therefore it’s high time I looked at a Zelda T-Shirt, and this one is my favourite. Me and Link go way back, so we’re both pretty olde school.

There has never been a series of games that has had an effect on me like the Zelda titles. Shigeru Miyamoto created freedom within those games, as well as an epic storyline, wonderful characters, suspense, mystery and, above all else, fun. Each title, without exception, has been a joy to play, and some of them have even taken over my life for short periods of time. Ocarina of Time was immense and made choosing the N64 over the original Playstation a great decision for me. The fact that I am actually humming Epona’s song to myself now demonstrates how much I enjoyed that game. And then Twilight Princess owned me too. It was a fantastic game with excellent elements which turned the Wii from a gimmicky machine into a serious gaming platform (albeit for a limited number of titles). And I completed that game three times – twice at 100% – all objects found and every inch of Hyrule covered. It was great. But even before stunning graphics, the old Zelda games I had on my SNES and Game Boy were just as fun. Fun. Pure, joyful fun. I still love the feeling of running through Hyrule field and occasionally killing orcs, because it meant I was off on an adventure, even if I didn’t know what that adventure was. I don’t get to have so many adventures these days, either in real life or in video games, but at least I know I can always grab a copy of a Legend of Zelda game and head off to rescue a Princess. That’s a nice thing to have.

This charming Link T-Shirt comes to you from Stylinonline.com where it costs $19.88 and comes in brown. Sizes range from small to XXL, though at the time of writing, only small and XL were in stock. So, go grab some heart pieces, do some forward rolls and smash the sh*t out of everything with your sword as you run all over the place. You know you want to.

 

Face Hugger T-Shirt – Parasitic benefits

How can you resist that darling little thing?

 

One of the most iconic and cringeworthy moments in all of horror came from something with the name “Face Hugger”. Ok, so it’s a slimy, arachnoid alien that takes over your body by mouth-raping you with its insides as it chokes you with its tail, but this Face Hugger T-Shirt could teach me some lessons.

What could I possibly learn from the face hugger? Well, dieting tips for one thing. As it’s clasped onto your ‘boat’ (that’s cockney-rhyming-slang for face for the uneducated amongst you – face=boat race=boat) it’s feeding you and keeping you alive. Just as people used to swallow a single male tape worm in a pill to lose weight (no, they actually did), I wouldn’t mind spending a bit of time with a face hugger. Obviously, the whole thing about it laying an egg in your chest that ends up killing you would not be ideal, but scientists have been messing with the dna of insects for years so hopefully it wouldn’t be too hard to make it sterile. Therefore, it just clamps onto your face, controls your eating habits for a set period of time, and then it falls off. Done. As it is, with out the aid of fictional (or so they say) alien parasites, my diet is not going so well. I’m having weekends off, and seeing as that was just a four day weekend, I’m still pretty stuffed. With fat and self-loathing. So, the sooner we can create a sterile larval alien, the better. Either that, or I go for another run this evening. Whatever’s easiest, I guess.

You can get this Alien T-Shirt from Fivefingertees.com where it costs just $7.99. It comes in both men’s and women’s styles with lots of sizes and colours to choose from. And hugging is good for everybody. Human contact is healthy. If only I were healthy…

Biohazard T-Shirt – Getting reborn

‘My sun sets to rise again’ – Robert Browning

The man who once told you about t-shirts is dead. I am the new version. 2.0. Except I’ve done this so many times it’s more like version 11.3, but that’s not the point. This Biohazard T-Shirt, created for a very a band that I used to like a lot, is a good metaphor. Here’s what’s happening.

You know what I had for lunch today? Fruit, yoghurt and low fat cheese. Know what I’m about to do in a moment? Go for a run. And then I’m going to lift weights. Yeah. Why this intense activity and apparently healthier living? Well, it’s the only way I’m going to change the body-of-a-God-shame-it’s-Buddha that I’ve got. And that joke has always annoyed me because Siddhartha Gautama was not a God, but an enlightened human and there is no evidence that he was in any way chunky. Anyway, I need to make changes. Drastic, immediate and tough changes that will turn me back into the muscle-bound hulk that I was a few years back. And I’m determined to do it this time round. Even though these actions could be biologically hazardous (hence the relevance of the symbol), I’m willing to take that risk to reconstruct the truly God-like frame that I once had. Bring it on. I’m going to get healthy (and still smoke and have the occasional drink) or die trying. This tee is also apt because it has ‘Reborn in defiance’ written on it, due to the fact that it celebrates an album of that name by the hardcore band Biohazard. I’m going to need some of their aggression and power as I start running again. I am defying my natural state of fat and lazy, and replacing it with healthy and proactive. My goal? To go from XL to L t-shirts before the summer. And to look a bit like a superhero too. Bring it on.

This Reborn In Defiance T-Shirt comes to you from the good folks at Thisispulp.co.uk where it will cost you just £13.99. It comes in orange and is currently only available in small. Which is a bit of a shame as I doubt I’ll ever fit into a small, but it’s a great looking shirt nevertheless. Onwards, to glory.